Alternating between hyperalert and weeping

[sidptitala]

im struggling so much this past week, since the police almost outed me to my parents about abuse information passed on to them by a mandatory reporter without my consent or awareness. i felt so amped up and angry the day it happened i could hardly cycle straight. and i felt scared. then i went to bed and couldnt get up for 5 days, i was just crying all day everyday. now i am trying so hard to carry on with life but one second im so weak, then im weeping all the time, then im having constant flashbacks, then my body aches from alertness and i cant stop shaking and im scarred of absolutely everything around me, even though i know everything is fine.

i feel so alienated when i read things that tell you to reach out to your support network. who the hell has that? or 'ask a trusted friend for support'. i have friends but i am used to providing care, not receiving it. i've never asked for help in my life. i dont think i have any relationship in my life that can survive me asking for help, because my problems are so deep and enormous. i dont think im going to survive.

 

[arfie]

ouch! ! ! personally, i need a kickboxing bag to channel my anger over betrayals like this one. i am a foster mother and painfully aware of what mandatory reporting does to a child's ability to trust. still. . . not too many children will step forward on their own and leaving a child in an abusive situation is even more intolerable. sigh. . . it be one of those spots which gave birth to the folk sayings about being caught between a rock and a hard place.

are you under 18? so or no, rocking you gently and crying with you. that sucks like a hoover.
prayers in progress that you do survive. just praying. . .

 

[Sideways]

i dont think i have any relationship in my life that can survive me asking for help, because my problems are so deep and enormous.

Asking for help might be as simple as asking someone if they can meet you next week instead of this week.

It’s definitely a muscle I’ve need to work out, because it was unfamiliar territory for me for most of my life. But asking for help for small things doesn’t require sharing very much personal information, and can make a huge difference to our stress cup.

 

[sidptitala]

ouch! ! ! personally, i need a kickboxing bag to channel my anger over betrayals like this one. i am a foster mother and painfully aware of what mandatory reporting does to a child's ability to trust. still. . . not too many children will step forward on their own and leaving a child in an abusive situation is even more intolerable. sigh. . . it be one of those spots which gave birth to the folk sayings about being caught between a rock and a hard place.

are you under 18? so or no, rocking you gently and crying with you. that sucks like a hoover.
prayers in progress that you do survive. just praying. . .

thank you for your sympathy about this

i think one of the most frustrating parts of it for me is that i'm well over 18 and don't live with my parents (and some of the information the police had relates to one of them, but i have not been able to tell anyone that because of mandatory reporting). this is historical abuse i suffered as a child, which was found out from me because i have also developed ptsd from my work life as an adult and in the course of being diagnosed with it was asked about my childhood.

because of my childhood, it was recommended to me that i sign up for counselling with a specific agency- and this agency is required by law to report historical abuse allegations to the child protection agency. i was reassured that the child protection agency would contact me discreetly and ask if i wanted them to investigate, and it would be my choice. but they never contacted me and the next thing i know my family think im dead because the police are visiting them to speak with me.

i've been trying all week to contact the counsellor who informed the child protection agency and the child protection agency itself for information on what happened. but i can't get in touch with anyone who can talk to me about my case or who knows about the procedures as they relate to adults & adults who don't want their cases investigated. i'm collecting phone number after phone number and telling this story again and again and still not finding anyone who either knows about their policies in general or can give my information about why this happened in my case. i've been reading document after document about the child protection agency and can't find any information than relates to adults. which in itself is really triggering somehow, it feels like i am no longer an adult and there's nothing i can do to get the authorities to accept me as one? i deeply regret thinking being honest about this would help, it has actually just spun things more and more out of my control.

the counselling i was applying for has a very long waiting list and will not start seeing until next year at the earliest. i wish they not have waited until i started or ideally ended a counselling process before doing this to me.

i don't really understand how im going to survive this. every month, the struggle to enough work to barely make my rent, to barely eat. those things are just going up and up. i can't afford to have a breakdown, i am going to die on the streets

 

[caroline_13]

im struggling so much this past week, since the police almost outed me to my parents about abuse information passed on to them by a mandatory reporter without my consent or awareness. i felt so amped up and angry the day it happened i could hardly cycle straight. and i felt scared. then i went to bed and couldnt get up for 5 days, i was just crying all day everyday. now i am trying so hard to carry on with life but one second im so weak, then im weeping all the time, then im having constant flashbacks, then my body aches from alertness and i cant stop shaking and im scarred of absolutely everything around me, even though i know everything is fine.

i feel so alienated when i read things that tell you to reach out to your support network. who the hell has that? or 'ask a trusted friend for support'. i have friends but i am used to providing care, not receiving it. i've never asked for help in my life. i dont think i have any relationship in my life that can survive me asking for help, because my problems are so deep and enormous. i dont think im going to survive.

Holding your pain.

 

[arfie]

is that "the twilight zone" theme i hear playing in the background? that is downright ominous! ! ! removing children from unsafe living conditions is a whole heap different than a busybody deciding my childhood trauma needs to be published! ! ! steadying support while you work through that blatant bit of government overreach. i find a sense of humor is my best defense in dealing with the social services bureaucracy. that is, hands down, the hardest part of foster parenting.

i don't really understand how im going to survive this.

half a century into my recovery, i still don't really understand how i survived all this, nor how i'm gonna handle future curve balls. one of my longest running mantras is, "small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. let god lead the dance."

 

[sidptitala]

is that "the twilight zone" theme i hear playing in the background? that is downright ominous! ! ! removing children from unsafe living conditions is a whole heap different than a busybody deciding my childhood trauma needs to be published! ! ! steadying support while you work through that blatant bit of government overreach. i find a sense of humor is my best defense in dealing with the social services bureaucracy. that is, hands down, the hardest part of foster parenting.


half a century into my recovery, i still don't really understand how i survived all this, nor how i'm gonna handle future curve balls. one of my longest running mantras is, "small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. let god lead the dance."

thank you so much for your reply and thoughts, and general sympathy (it helps a lot). also to everyone else who replied, i can't quantify how much i appreciate it.