Always Pulling Away

[UnKnown-Self]

There is a freedom in an online forum. Especially one like this where we can talk about things not talked about. Bur when I start to feel too connected, I have to pull away for fear of getting too close.

Then the loneliness gets too much and I come back. The Pandora's Box has been ripped open and it is Not talked about. I tried but I can't be around regular people socially. Work is not the place and I try to hold on and not get overly anxious but sometimes I still do. My boss thinks this is some kind of ... Well I don't know what she thinks really but I do know that she does not believe it is something that happens in my brain and right now, at this point, I can't control the fear and panic. It's too much, beyond medication because while meds help with the moment to moment fear and panic, but when I am triggered, the brain short circuits and I go into survival mode.

It is not an appropriate reaction when trying to figure out why an attorney has charges from the travel agency on their travel card that shouldn't be there and I made the arrangements. I just have to figure out how to fix it. Not worry about if I will get in trouble or if I am being set up to fail. I get full of fear and anger and it's as if there is this giant spotlight on me with an alarm blaring "She Made A Mistake!" I am no longer the "ME" I am trying so hard to be. I am the Survivor, calculating uncountable scenarios and what will be the right way to "handle" each one. Except this is not a survivor situation, there is no need to fight, flight, freeze or fawn. In fact ANY of those reactions are totally in appropriate. It is a problem solving situation, that has a beginning and an end so I can move on to my next problem solving situation That is the job sometimes. I am capable of this work. I am smart, creative, I can adapt and I am a hard worker.

Unless the Survivor steps up, then I'm unorganized, all over the place jumping from one task to another, completing nothing, seeking approval, eating candy, anxious, angry, and focusing on all the wrong things. The Survivor doesn't have a conception of "regular problems" for the Survivor it's a life threatening world and everyone must be watched carefully and the brain is in hyper speed watching, calculating, preparing, watching, calculating, preparing . All of this is evident in my facial expressions, my voice tone, the way I move, in fact the energy is radiating from me and the intensity does not exactly make those around me comfortable. I'm not very comfortable myself in those moments and I need to focus then on bringing myself down so I can see the situation in the right perspective.

Of course saying excuse me I am having a PTSD moment and I need to step away is not an option. Sounds like it would be but we live in a world of stigma and saying you have PTSD is an excuse for acting inappropriatly. Even my current therapist and psychiatrist will not back me up. I am looking for a new therapist but finding one who specializes in PTSD and dissociation, will take my insurance, have appointments in the evening, is close enough and taking new patients, is not easy.

So I return here because the human need to be understood trumps my fear of getting too close.

Somehow that makes me feel like a selfish, inconsiderate asshole but it is what it is.

 

[HappyJock]

First off, thanks for sharing! I'd like to just start off by saying that you're not a selfish, inconsiderate asshole at all. As humans, we not only want to be heard, but understood. Not only understood, but loved and accepted. Living with PTSD isn't easy, I know. But don't doubt yourself for a second. I too, can relate -- wanting to get close, fearing to get close, distancing myself then wanting to come back, but then when I come back, I step back again. It's a never-ending circle. You're right about that too -- for a survivor, everything can seem threatening. It looks to me, actually like there are parts of you that are well improving but then this side of you, the one struggling with PTSD recovery, sometimes steps in -- I understand that and I'm the same way too. It is a lonely thing to live with, especially if we don't know anyone going through the same thing, those around us don't truly get it. So the whole fighting, over analyzing the worth of trust in someone, then getting close and distancing? Completely normal and understandable, especially for those with PTSD.

I hear you about finding a new therapist! I had to try five different ones before I ended up with the amazing one I have now. I wish you luck with your finding of a new therapist though -- and know that you're never alone as you may sometimes feel; I'm here and so are many others who can feel for you, hear you, understand you and have your back. You're right about stigma, though. I hate the world of stigma we live in, it makes it so much harder to feel loved, accepted and for us to truly recover so we can work but be understood as our lives are different after trauma. Currently, I'm trying to find a job that is good for people with PTSD -- that way, even in the workplace, the whole job is set up in safer way for those with PTSD.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey @Alice.in.Wonderland - I really connect with your post. For what it's worth, DBT has helped me a great deal specifically with interrupting that 'survivor' voice. You might look for a DBT program in your area, as a kind of stopgap until you can connect with a therapist.

Hold onto that inner voice that knows you are capable. It's telling the truth: everything else is the disorder talking.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

Thank you both.

I am very aware of DBT. I actually have several videos with Marsha Linehan. I also believe that CBT can be helpful as well. Since my traumas began as an infant I have dissociative complications. Not full blown DID where I lose time as an adult but co conscious parts that cycle through my day. After losing my husband suddenly that trauma and the grief opened my Pandora's Box. I was already going to intense all day, 5 days a week therapy and I was educating myself for the first time about PTSD even though I had been diagnosed with it in the early 80's and several times over the years.

I always knew I didn't "fit in" I just didn't know how different my thinking was.

I know there were times it would feel like I was seeing things differently or seeing it for the first time. Simple things like opening the refridgerator and not recognizing anything, like I was seeing it for the first time or walking around the corner from where (at that time) I had been been living for ten years and being lost. I would and still do have feelings of suddenly not being me.

I have had some parts in the past months introduce themselves. This is where I need help. To challenge a thought or a feeling at this time is not giving validation to a part of me that needs and deserves that validation. I have to find out what/who it is that needs validating. To not do so is being in a state of self denial and often self hate. I need to find someone who will first believe me and then help me navigate it all so I can turn the denial and self hate into self compassion and instead of challenging which really pisses some parts off, learn, understand and hopefully help the part to understand what may have been helpful or necessary at one time is counter productive and there are different ways to handle things now.

This I have to do before I can reach the children and free them of the burden of holding on to their secrets (traumas) which I don't remember because I can handle it now and mother myself so they get the love so well deserved.

I'll give a recent example. I have episodes where I will get so frustrated, something goes haywire and I am slapping my head so hard I give myself one hell of a headache. I shared this with my last therapist and I told her I am reenacting something when I do this. I don't know what but I KNOW I am not in control at those times and "something" Is taking place.

She suggested I keep a big pot of ice water in the fridge and when this happens I should immerse my head in the pot.

I told her I would consider it, all the time my inner debate team was voicing all kinds of opinions, most telling her to go dunk her head and not come up for air.

Instead the following Friday I put some ice in a glass and topped it with Grey Goose. I realize this is not positive coping but I wanted to just relax and think.

There are two parts involved during those episodes, the one hitting and the one being hit. To force myself to dunk my head in ice water would traumatize the part being hit because they would think they were going to be drowned. So while the GG was not the best choice it was better that scaring the hell out of a child part who has already been through enough.

The therapist was only focusing on the extreme anxiety not understanding the "who" that is involved.
I don't know if this is making sense but basically that is where I am.