I have crossed the dividing line, which marks the beginning of my annual autumn depression, and my need for isolation. As my SI has gone, from being a mere passive background noise, to a more active but still passive voice, urging me, to poison myself, with chocolate, as I suffer an anaphylactic reaction, to caffeine, if swallowed. Yeah, I know death by chocolate.
This started, last night, as I dreamed of eating chocolate, once more, which I haven’t touched, in the past 23 years. Last time, I had similar SI was, about three years ago. As I do miss the sweet taste of chocolate, upon my taste buds.
Additionally, I am finding it hard to look after myself, grooming wise, letting my hair run wild, which I know some women spent an outrageous fortune, to achieve this look. Myself, just give me, about 4-5 hours of sleep, and Walla, it’s there. The thing is, I don’t really care, how other view me, hair wise, and even more so, now. Many ways, I wish, this was the l980s and the outrageous hairstyles, from the “New Wave” and “Gothic” era, of pop culture.
And yes, I am sleeping longer hours and more often, than, what is considered, normal for me. If I can stay awake, for longer than 8 hours, on a particular day, it’s an exceptional day, for me. All things, which I need to share, with my nurse practitioner, when I see her, on my October 31st appointment, a month and half, before I see, the psychiatrist, on December 16th, for the first time. Am hoping, this time, I don’t get a transphobic one.
My final sign is the lack of being able to write my thoughts down, whether, using paper and pen or typing them out, on the computer. Having just finished, a very productive period, in which I have written over 60 poems, in the past 30 days, including, several Sundays, that I don’t write, anything, as my day of rest and healing.
Sadly, the weather hasn’t helped me, as the greater number of grey or rainy skies, has worsen, my depressed feelings. Finding my mood is reflecting the darker skies. As my cats have taken up, their own permanent positions, around me, in bed, over the past week. And writing anything, like this, gets harder with each passing day, until my depression has been broken.
This started, last night, as I dreamed of eating chocolate, once more, which I haven’t touched, in the past 23 years. Last time, I had similar SI was, about three years ago. As I do miss the sweet taste of chocolate, upon my taste buds.
Additionally, I am finding it hard to look after myself, grooming wise, letting my hair run wild, which I know some women spent an outrageous fortune, to achieve this look. Myself, just give me, about 4-5 hours of sleep, and Walla, it’s there. The thing is, I don’t really care, how other view me, hair wise, and even more so, now. Many ways, I wish, this was the l980s and the outrageous hairstyles, from the “New Wave” and “Gothic” era, of pop culture.
And yes, I am sleeping longer hours and more often, than, what is considered, normal for me. If I can stay awake, for longer than 8 hours, on a particular day, it’s an exceptional day, for me. All things, which I need to share, with my nurse practitioner, when I see her, on my October 31st appointment, a month and half, before I see, the psychiatrist, on December 16th, for the first time. Am hoping, this time, I don’t get a transphobic one.
My final sign is the lack of being able to write my thoughts down, whether, using paper and pen or typing them out, on the computer. Having just finished, a very productive period, in which I have written over 60 poems, in the past 30 days, including, several Sundays, that I don’t write, anything, as my day of rest and healing.
Sadly, the weather hasn’t helped me, as the greater number of grey or rainy skies, has worsen, my depressed feelings. Finding my mood is reflecting the darker skies. As my cats have taken up, their own permanent positions, around me, in bed, over the past week. And writing anything, like this, gets harder with each passing day, until my depression has been broken.
