Am I Any Less Of A Person For Not Working?

[therapybankrupt]

I too suffer with guilt from others judgements of what they do not understand. I am a pretty good actress when I get all cleaned up for a social gathering now and then. Others think I am fine. I would say no to working with the symptoms that are debilitating. So up and down. The older I get I fear the day I have to return with skills so outdated.

It has been nine years. Then what? Eight years until I am eligible for Social Security. Right now on temporary Disability. Presently hoping EMDR is a success. I wonder what will I be able to do when I am all patched up? I have to enter the workforce earning over two thousand a month net to make up for the federal health insurance and the money I get now. It certainly can't be entry level minimum wage. I have to earn five hundred a week net. Am I going to have to go to school again? I am still paying off the degree I got in my forties I will never be able to use.

I am to old. Oh my! I am rambling. LOL See how I get? Sorry! No! Is the realistic answer if you are suffering PTSD symptoms weekly. I am sticking with this answer. Hugs to all who struggle with the work thing.

TB

 

[madmax]

I went on long term disability in 2007, lost my dream house to foreclosure in 2008 and have spent all of my savings on drugs alcohol and trying to keep up the appearance of a successful business man. My decisions or lack of clarity impulsive tendencies just compounded my very real irritable,reckless,hypervigilant self.2006 through 2012 was a blur to me. Sporadic memories avoidance fear horror anger guilt and lack of interest or participation in any activities once enjoyed. When you throw in flashbacks and experience gun shots going off in your head while awake or asleep work seems rather a ridiculous goal. I tried just the same because that's what men do,we provide. I am done for today.

 

[Philippa]

I understand the pressure of family wanting you to work when they don't even get that you are struggling so much just to stay sane and not kill yourself. I found it so incredibly depressing and isolating and alienating to realize that all they cared about was me getting a job. We don't have the luxury they have of staying in denial or pretending this isn't happening, because we live it. They will never get what your life is like.

I do remember it being a really awful time when I was on benefits for a few years...which I couldn't believe I'd actually ended up in that reality. Prior to PTSD, I was extremely anti the dole, unless people *like me* really need it and really cannot pick themselves up just yet.

My father raised us strictly to cherish independence and that to be a 'bludger' is about the lowest of the low you can go, so for me to turn around and go on it...well, all he saw was a 'freeloader' which he even called me the day he kicked me out of their home after I went ballistic. The crazy thing was, that a few years later when I was in Sweden with him, he started talking about his friend, who was a germaphobe, who had anxiety issues was perfectly entitled to get benefits and not work...but when I brought up that this was also how I was, he dismissed it and basically told me that I'm full of shit. I feel numb right now even remembering it and what I did after that.

I can empathize with what is quite a nightmare in itself to have to live with people who treat you this way, on top of what you are already going through. It's pressure that makes life even harder...and they don't even know what they are doing to you.

If I could go back in time, and say something to myself back then, when I was going through all this, I'd say something like: Always listen to yourSelf and your body, and if you need to rest, you rest. If you need a nap, take a nap, but don't feel guilty about doing what your whole being is telling you to do, over the demands of others. They are living in their dream, and you are living in yours. You don't have to go along with anything they say, or just pick out gems they say and leave the rest.

I also felt like I was 'less than' but I think it was because I was. I had lost a lot and I had even shrunk in size due to depression an no appetite. So I felt like I wasn't myself anymore, or someone I didn't know. I became a shell of my former self. Their input wasn't helpful at all, and made things even worse in fact. I found at the time that all external input from others was so incredibly unhelpful and compounded an already shitty situation for me, and I couldn't even tell them it was unhelpful, as I'd then be 'ungrateful' for not wanting their advice or input.

 

[madmax]

When my father heard I was on disability he called and said"I am glad you are on disability we can screw the government for a change". I just walked away from him. If you read some of my posts you would really get a better understanding of his hidden malice.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Some support there madmax. A great ego booster. This is what I am talking about what is wrong with people. When is this mentality going to change. Number one we paid into it! Number two we deserve and need it. Number three thats what it is for. Done with my rant.

 

[madmax]

I can totally relate to the issue of having to make 3668.00 net in the workforce that I just recently tried to enter on a part-time basis at 9.50 per hr.(problem was I could not even handle a simple auto-parts counter job without triggering excessive anxiety flashbacks and loss of focus) The store manager asked me if I would enter their management training program or consider moving to their corporate offices in finance if given the chance. I told them I would consider but the truth was I could not afford to take such a position given I could not function at an acceptable level and secondly I have a insurance vehicle that has a disability rider that makes my 668.00 a month payment on my behalf. All that being said I want to work somehow someday. Trying to consider myself retired just does not work for me. I need some perspective objective opinions.:confused:

 

[nursenurse]

My sufferer is pretty much unemployed right now, and I know it bugs the heck out of him. As his supporter, let me tell you, it doesn't bother me at all, except for the fact it bothers him. He is doing the best he can right now, there is no time frame for healing, and maybe that way, he may never heal. Only time will tell.

To you sufferers, give yourselves a break. You deserve it. You have to let go of society's and your own ideals of how you are supposed to function in life. Easier said than done. It is not a licence to do nothing, but rather the permission to take the time you need to heal. Maybe re-exploring a long lost hobby, or anything else that speaks of you, is acceptable, as long as you are trying to improve yourself, take care of yourself. Most importantly, you are hopefully communicating with your (understanding?) partner.

Madmax, you are a straight shooter, and I truly appreciate your thoughts when I come across them on the boards.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This is what I am talking about what is wrong with people. When is this mentality going to change. Number one we paid into it! Number two we deserve and need it. Number three thats what it is for. Done with my rant.

Yeah, exactly. When people get into a car accident, are they moochers for tapping into their car insurance? When a flood ravages their house are they moochers for making a flood insurance claim? NO!!! The "I" in SSDI stands for INSURANCE and we paid for it.

I hate to say I'm jaded, but yes I am. I've had one too many persons tell me that I'm using the system. No, I'm not. Really, I'm not so good as to have started faking my medical issues as a young child. I didn't just wake up one day and say "I don't want to work" but people seem to have this perception of me. It's part of the territory with a mental illness that can't be seen.

 

[nursenurse]

There will always be abusers of the system, but those who think ill of you because you legitimately need the system should just be plain ignored. They have a heart about the size of the Grinch's. And the understanding of an earthworm.

 

[JustBe]

It has taken me over a year to accept the new direction my life is taking. I used to look on it as a failure, now I see it as a journey.

 

[MoodElevator]

I've always had issues handling employment since my first job when I was fourteen. Once when I was working a menial loading job I made the foolish decision of telling my employer about my disorder. The next week I 'was no longer needed'. As long as you are working on yourself, you are 'working' right? There is a huge difference between deciding not to work and not being able to/taking time to heal. I also find that very few people understand this difference. I was once told by a family member that 'all mental illness is fake'; I told her she must be very mentally ill.

 

[nursenurse]

Some people just have to live under a rock. That's the only explanation. that or they take stupid pills with their orange juice in the morning.