Am i expecting too much from t?

[UnicornSightings]

Hello all! I'll try to make this brief. So I had my first solo vacation this past weekend. I had great anxiety about it. I initially booked a trip to NYC in May and chickened out. So I needed support for this one. When telling t I booked another trip and was afraid I would back out she said she'd be there for me. She'd take me to my damn gate or at least until security. Now I don't think she meant it but it sounded like she meant she would be there in a supportive way. She was NOT. Now, I didn't feel anxiety about my trip until maybe a week or so before it. I had other things I was focusing on, prob to avoid the anxiety. Then I was going to meet with her one more time before my trip and really work on ways to handle the anxiety I was feeling and would feel as it got even closer. She canceled. She CANCELED. She got sick. Which is fine. I get that. Feel better and all that. But she just writes "best wishes on your adventure" as if she's a stranger and doesn't know how hard it was going to be for me!!! And she doesn't offer to reschedule like she has every other time, just "see you in 2 weeks". Wtf. Ok she can totally be sick and have her own stuff going on. She can. But her job is to be a support to her clients. And she failed. Hard. AND I can't even email her. Like other than scheduling stuff I can't email because so quit therapy that way and then beg to come back or get really offended at her replies so I do totally get that serves to help her and to help me, too. But come ON! A solo trip to an anxiety sufferer!!! You HAVE to be there for that kind of person. For that kind of thing. And she freaken failed and I'm so pissed. And I was angry at her last time and accidentally offended her so I can't just go and express that. When I see her (if I go ever again) next week she will ask about my trip. And how do I casually tell about it without losing my shit because she wasn't there to help me at all. Yes, I did it. I'm proud of myself and all that. But so much fear and panic and she could've made it easier. Isn't that what she's for? And btw it's important to note just in case anyone says it, she did NOT help me get to the point where I could take a solo trip. That was all me. I've been writing her angry letters in my journal just to express this stuff so it doesn't just stick to me but am I nuts for expecting support for something that was so very important to me? Even though I did it, isn't that what she's there for?

 

[Friday]

You said it in the beginning: She got sick.

 

[Rumors]

So, you went on the trip yet you are focusing on your therapist not being supportive enough bc she got sick and didn't text or email you the response you were expecting. I am certainly not meaning to dismiss the importance of a supportive therapist, but is it possible that your expectation is too high? I mean she got sick. If you expect her to vomit, then run to email you supportive words, that may be more than what a lot of people can do. I think you need to say to yourself, "she got sick and did the best she could." If that doesn't satisfy you or isn't enough, then you should find someone else. Be sure to share with them what your expectation and needs are up front however so that you aren't disappointed.
On another note, I am thrilled you went on your trip. Kudos for you! You should be incredibly proud of yourself. It should be validation that you can do it and perhaps you are relying too much on the therapeutic relationship. You obviously did this trip for yourself and can handle it! Big time happiness for you there.

 

[Justmehere]

She set you up to expect a lot of very tangible in person support for this trip. I recognize that. I also think this is about more than just her being sick and canceling as to why you are so angry at her.

Different clients and therapists have a wide variety of perspectives about what support therapists should and should not offer outside of the therapy session - and there was in lies the crucial responsibility for the therapist and she client to communicate and set clear expectations and boundaries about what support will and will not happen for the client outside of sessions, what role that plays in treatment, and what to do if the therapist is unexpectedly unavailable when needed.

It's reasonable to be disappointed that she offered so much support and then couldn't do a regular appointment or what she promised above and beyond that regular appointment. Life happens. She got sick. It was reasonable for her to cancel.

It's not reasonable for you to expect a sick therapist provide lots support while too ill to work. She was sick, and maybe even really sick. Maybe she was in the ER. So many possibilities. The fact that she texted you to support you at all when she was too sick to work is above and beyond.

Maybe there is room for improvement on helping you know on what other supports you can access for distress like that and what ways you can use to manage it when she isn't avalaible to support you.

You seem to have the clear expectation that treatment requires out of session support to lessen your distress of flying alone. Based on what she said about being at the gate with you, I can see why you expect that to be a crucial element to treatment.

But it's not reasonable to believe that all therapists *should* always provide such support when someone is scared to do something out in the world like fly solo as a normal and neasecary part of treatment. I would expect from a therapist to do lots of work in sessions on a such a symptom or fear as part of a treatment plan, but unless a therapist really spelled out and planned out of session contact as part of treatment, I wouldn't expect it.

Many trauma therapists only provide outside of session support for unexpected crisis matters. Many charge fees for that time spent. Many provide no out of session contact and direct it all to crisis services. Some provide regular out of session contact, and solid therapists will communicate the boundaries and limits on this.

If there is a specific time in the future you want support for a planned difficult event, I'd ask to schedule support like an appointment. Make it a phone appointment or etc. Then it's clear what is expected and when. If she promises to be at the gate in the future, pull out your calander and ask to schedule it like an appointment. Because she would be working for you to be there. No appointment, then I wouldn't expect support at that time. And keep in mind she still may cancel if she gets sick once in awhile.

I wonder if some of your anger might be about feeling abandoned by her, and if this stirred up anger about past abandonment? Have you been through past abandonment in connection to your trauma? You would be helping her help you if you told her how this affected you and what you would have liked her to do differently, and considered if this stirred up unresolved pain from the past.

Don't send the angry email or letters. Instead, take a little time to collect your thoughts and write some notes about what happened, how you felt about it, and bring it with you to talk to her in session. Face to face. Or write the letter and bring it in to read.

See if you both can be clear about what you will expect from her in your theraputic relationship together in the future. If she can't do what you expect and want, consider consulting with other therapists and see what their treatment plan would include in terms of out of session support, and if there is one that can better meet your needs.

 

[Sideways]

We don't have much control over our feelings. If you feel angry and disappointed? That's okay. Your feelings are valid. Good on you for recognising that's how you feel.

We do, however, have a lot of control over what we do with our emotions. The way we behave in response to them.

Our emotions are a really useful source of information. In this case, your emotions seem to be telling you that you expect your T to be there for you cheering you on outside appointment times and when she's too sick to work. Those expectations seem to be pretty high. Perhaps a little unreasonable.

So, what do you do with this information? Is it helpful for you to be angry and disappointed at a T that otherwise seems to be doing a pretty good job? What are reasonable expectations, and why have yours gone beyond that?

The anger and disappointment don't have to be a problem. They can be a helpful source of information, depending on how you choose to behave now that you have that information.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I didn't expect her to help me when she was sick. I said clearly she was sick and I get that. It's so many other times, too. I didn't want to write a novel. It's just so disappointing, not being able to rely on her for support she said she would give. That's all.

 

[Sideways]

I didn't expect her to help me when she was sick.

You did say "you HAVE to be there for that"...???

 

[UnicornSightings]

Not in that moment when she was sick. She was prob sick for a day. She's sick all the damn time but for like a day. She can still be there for me other days. Like what because I can't have help one second when she's sick that means I can never have help for that issue? That seems unfair.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I didn't need help when she was puking. I needed help any of the weeks leading up to it and after. f*ck it I'm not gonna argue with anyone anymore. You're all right I expect too much god forbid a therapist actually follow through or provide help at all.

 

[Sideways]

I needed help any of the weeks leading up to it and after.

Okay, but you said that you were focusing on other things in those prior appointments and you planned to deal with the anxiety about your trip in the appointment she had to cancel. So, it didn't work out the way you planned because she got sick.

It's okay to be angry. But the conclusions you're reaching seem to be distorted. She was there for you, in your appointments, in the weeks leading up to the trip. You focused on other things.

It's okay to be angry, it really is. But what is it you're angry about? She was there for you. Right up until she got sick. What are we missing?

 

[Justmehere]

I didn't need help when she was puking. I needed help any of the weeks leading up to it and after.

That's a different matter than canceling and not being there when sick the week before your trip, which is what you described happening. Can you explain more about what happened during the weeks leading up to this and afterwards?

If she is chronically overpromising and chronically underdelivering - that's a good way to burnout a client and it may be time to look for a therapist that is able to be a more reliable source of support for you.

I think you have some important things to discuss with her about what you need and expect and if she is able to meet those needs and expectations or not. If you have already been clear about this, then I think she's showing you pretty clearly what she is able to do and not do by her actions.

You mentioned you expressed anger at her before and she was offended and it didn't seem to be a helpful outcome. You can choose to do that again. It is unlikely to lead to effectively gaining the support you are wanting from her.

Or you can choose to state your needs and expectations and let her know that if she continues to chronically overpromises and underdelievers then you need help finding someone else more able to provide the level of care you need. That would be a fair boundary to set with her.

If you are looking for more support on a continued basis, multiple days a week, then I'd be very upfront about that with her or any therapist you see, and look for a therapist or treatment center that can provide that level of care. Those providers are out there. It's ok to be mad. It may be time to learn how to express it in a way that helps you get what you need without pushing people away. Another way to go about this is to look for a DBT group to add to your current treatment plan. DBT teaches skills like how to ask for what we want and need without pushing people away.

 

[gealach]

It sounds like there's a mismatch between what you want/need, and what she can provide. It seems like you need and expect quite a bit of support outside of the appointments. If you storm off in a huff though, and cancel all therapy without arranging for something new, the only person you're punishing is yourself. Maybe that's the point? Did you ever really congratulate yourself for taking that trip?