Am I Right Or Wrong?

[Fadeaway]

There are words, I just simply can not hear. Words that send me straight into panic. A small handful of words my grandmother said. There is a list, not very long and the words have synonyms that are just fine. One of those is the phrase, "You are making me miserable." It sends me into a straight panic of isolation, because it usually resulted in my grandmother locking me out.

The other thing I request is that he doesn't ask me questions when I am triggered. My brain is already in meltdown mode and can't think communicate, and yet you are asking me questions and trying to talk to me. ARRRDGGG!:banghead::banghead::sorry::sorry::inpain:

Last night we had a long conversation a.g.a.i.n. bout soothing words that can be said but don't try and get info out of me at that moment. Asking me what he can do to help when I am calm? Great! Asking me what he can do to help when I am in a place where I can't formulate words but I am frustrated because I should know how, not so great. Calming, soothing reassuring words only.

His opinion is that he isn't allowed to say anything around the house, and I shouldn't be "ordering" him to not use certain words. I see it as more like I am pleading with him.

So I feel that I have a right request something that with help avoid me getting symptomatic or not increase my symptoms if I already am. He sees it as if I am ordering him and telling him what he can and can not say.

I don't say things I know are painful for him, and I feel that if he really cared, he wouldn't want to say things he knows is going to hurt me.

I guess he also finds repeating the repetitive calming words annoying, but it really helps me get myself together quickly.

Am I wrong to ask these things of him? Because I feel like he should want to because he cares. I hope this makes sense because I am just calming down from this so brain feels a bit muddled.

 

[Klo]

Sounds like he is really immature. Does he also run around naked in public, since nobody has the right to make him wear clothes? Like srsly.

 

[Fadeaway]

In most areas he is not, in this area it does feel that way. His interpersonal skills suck sometimes. He is terrible with verbal or physical cues that he has hit on a bad topic. But I guess my point is, am I wrong to ask for these things?

 

[Klo]

In most areas he is not, in this area it does feel that way. His interpersonal skills suck sometimes. H...

No not at all. Asking someone to avoid one phrase that isn't at all necessary for communication is not unreasonable, considering how it affects and why. But like that's my point. For him to figuratively stomp his feet "you're not the boss of me!" style is just friggin whack.

 

[Neverthesame]

What about compromise?
You could try asking him if there is somthing he wants that would make fair trade.

Or.... Buy him a thesaurus for Valentines day. :sneaky:

 

[Casey_03]

I don't think you are wrong at all. And I think his response - saying he feels he is not allowed to say anything and is ordered not to say things -- is just him being defensive because he feels helpless. Men can get quite mean and defensive when they feel helpless. And I'm sure he does feel helpless in trying to keep you from being triggered -- it's hard for non sufferers to understand how these things work and to not take it personally. So, I don't think you should feel wrong at all, and I think you should try not to get too offended by his remarks.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, it is never wrong to ask for something we need.

I used to have certain trigger words but I've been able to eliminate the triggering factor. I used to ask people to not use these words around me. If someone were to have flat out refused I would take this as a sign that the person did not respect me or my healing process. (Accidentally using these words was another matter and not something I'd ever hold against someone.)

 

[scout86]

What you're asking seems pretty reasonable to me. It sounds like he's hearing something different than what you're saying. (Because it sounds like he's responding to something other than what you asked.)

I mean, does he REALLY think you're telling him that he can NOT say certain things? It sounds to me like you're saying "When you say 'X'. this is what's going to probably happen on my end, and I'd rather that didn't happen. What about you?" But I don't know what you're actually SAYING when you talk to him either.

I wouldn't appreciate it if my SO told me there were things I was not allowed to say. But if he explained to me that certain things upset him? It would be a whole different deal and I'd do what ever I could to work with him.

Maybe this is more a communication problem than anything else? Is there a reason he might have a particular problem "hearing" something like this?

 

[Fadeaway]

@scout86 I actually deleted a huge chunk of my original post that was about communication and not feeling heard. When I tell him I don't feel heard, he tells me he can repeat what I said word for word, but no matter how direct I am, or how I word it, I don't feel like he understands the meaning of what I say, and I have tried a thousand and one different ways of wording it.

 

[scout86]

That would be extremely frustrating! And I'm not sure what you can do about it. He can repeat the words and not get how you mean them, no doubt about it. On the other hand, how could he show you that he DOES understand. (Assuming he does.)

 

[Fadeaway]

It is very frustrating. Sometimes what he interprets me to have said really throws me for a loop. We were in a bookstore today looking under the self help section. I picked up a book and read some and pointed out a quote from Carl Jung and said, "See what it says right there? That is my problem." Because it said something I said earlier.

Well, somehow he took that to mean that I hated Carl Jung. I was confused and when I asked his response was "You pointed to what he wrote and said that's your problem. So clearly you have a problem with the guy."

I tried to be more clear and explained that particular paragraph said what I was trying to explain to him earlier and had nothing to do with whether I liked the guy or not. Well, much later on, I said that I was still puzzled by how he got I don't like Carl Jung out of the words, that is my problem. His response was "And I still can't figure out why you don't like the guy."

I am at a loss because I try so hard to explain things to him. I do know he hates allegories which is hard for me because I can explain things best that way, and he find "I" statements to be offensive and accusatory. or example if I say, "I feel hurt when you say certain things to me." and is usually met with a "Fine, I just won't speak to you."

 

[scout86]

Wow! I'm confused too! I have no idea how you communicate with someone like that. Because I've spent more time than I like to consider around people how would do this, I have to ask...... Is he for real? He's not just acting this way to mess with you? I mean, I thought we are encouraged to use "I statements" to AVOID sounding accusatory! How would he prefer you tell him you find something hurtful?