An accountability thread due to my relationship with my ex-therapist

[Wendell_R]

Have you considered a boundary of telling her of one day a week where you can't text or be in contact, so you can focus on family?

This approach works really well for me, for anything that is potentially addictive or hard to let go of!

 

[Bird33]

@Justmehere thats a great idea and maybe I will use that when I get a little better at this.

@hithere sorry about your headache hope it’s getting better.
The self talk should would be better if I did it the way you suggest. I often forget to accept my feelings and just let them be there. I often try to avoid so that would be a better approach.
Thanks for the support!
@Wendell_R yes, I agree with justmehere and will try it when I’m ready!

 

[Lucycat]

Sounds to me very much like a smoking habit. It is better to quit - and find replacements for the gaps in time - than to try and reduce gradually, because the packet is always there to entice you back in.

 

[Justmehere]

What would you like to be accountable to do as your next step?

 

[Bird33]

@Lucycat i would like to cut it off cold turkey but I am not able to yet. I know it’s weakness but that’s where I am.

@Justmehere i am not sure. I am trying to pull back, focus on my family and other friends. Not text unless she contacts me. I’m not sure what else to do.

 

[Sideways]

There are phone apps like Moment that not only give you feedback on how much you use your phone each day, they can also tell you how many times you checked your phone.

Would that be helpful? I know that Moment can help you set targets and help you track how you’re going over time, where there have been bad days, good days etc...

No one would need to know but you. I personally found it helpful because each day it would be like a reminder: it’s okay to check your phone less often...

ETA: Moment is designed to help decrease, rather than increase our reliance on and habitual phone use, using the same reward/dopamine centres in the brain that other apps (like FB) use to increase our phone addiction

 

[EveHarrington]

I am not able to yet

Can’t or won’t?

I think it helps to look at things in these terms. At least that’s what my therapist tells me.

It’s not really a “can’t” because if she died tomorrow, you’d still go on living. So why is it that you won’t?

Yes it may be painful, but feelings won’t kill you, no matter how horrible it feels.

 

[Bird33]

@Sideways i will try that app. That could be helpful to set targets. Thank you for the idea.

@EveHarrington Your right, I won’t. I’m scared.
I was talking to my therapist today and we were trying to figure out why I can’t leave. We talked about how I met my extherapist and I had never really opened up to anyone before. I felt safe. When I was a kid I was sexually abused by my grandfather. It would happen in his basement and many times he would send me down there first and then I would wait for him. Terrified knowing what was going to happen but having to wait. I always thought I was going to die bc I would be forced to pleasure him. I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was choking and always thought I would die. I felt so alone and I never want that feeling again. My therapist thinks it’s my child part that feels desperate for connection and the promises from my extherapist. I would do anything not to feel that way again.
It’s just frustrating bc I have people in my life that I can count on so I’m not sure why I feel this way with my extherapist. My therapist thinks my extherapist is manipulating me bc she knows my stuff and what pulls me back in.
I’m working on things it’s just so confusing.

 

[LuckiLee]

Im heartbroken your grandfather did that to you. It wasn't your fault and y didn't deserve any of that. You were just a child. ❤ You're gonna have to wean yourself off of her. Talk to her tomorrow. Then in two days. Then three.... Eventually you're going to have to get that love and validation from yourself, your family and your new healthy T. You can do this!

 

[EveHarrington]

Im confused.....do you believe that your therapist is manipulating you?

 

[hithere]

I think you are doing great. This is hard stuff! Really hard. The issues of your past are really, really hard to face. You ARE facing them. That is amazing. It sounds like she does know she has a pull on you. Who knows what her motives are. Death of the fantasy that this is a healthy relationship is the hardest, at least for a love addict and in some ways this reminds me of that. I may be wrong, but it always hits me that way. Eve is right in many ways though. If something happened to her you would be forced to separate from her.

What is the longest stretch you have gone between visits or phone calls with her? Celebrate your accomplishments even if they are small in your eyes.

 

[Bird33]

@LuckiLee Thank you, I have been pulling back but she will text me everyday. I have lots of love in my life. I guess maybe I don’t feel like I deserve it. With my extherapist I feel like I told her everything in therapy and she still wanted to be my friend. I felt free bc I think I hold back with other people.

@EveHarrington i don’t know if she is manipulating me. I didn’t think so but my therapist thinks she is and my husband. Part of me is so afraid to really trust this therapist and I am holding back bc I am afraid of getting attached to her like my extherapist. I don’t know if that would happen but it’s a fear. After 12 years of abuse from my grandfather, I made some really bad choices in relationships. I would do anything sexually just for the connnection. I had a couple of abusive relationships that I never saw until it was too late. I also had a female boss who I thought wanted to help me take advantage of me sexually. I never saw any of it coming. I really have a hard time trusting my instincts and then when my instinct comes in I don’t listen bc I need that connection so much. I don’t want to be alone again.i am so afraid to be alone again. This cycle is torture and I am trying to get out of it.

@hithere thank you, I have been really working hard. Usually I see her a few times a week and we text or talk daily. I don’t call or text her or make plans she does all that I will just respond.