My experience could be described much like the equivalent of a lioness protecting her cubs... ears constantly twitching, brief pauses to examine surroundings... the slightest noise from behind putting the hair on my neck at attention. This is while i'm at home, with the doors locked and blinds closed. While I am out and about I'm constantly scanning, most times checking twice, listening to everything and everyone, all senses heightened and keeping me ready to react. I too am also very aware of people and their energy and when they're directing attention at me I usually curl up inside and try to stay very static on the out.
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Analogy: "my Hypervigilance Feels Like..."
- Post starter BloomInWinter
- Start date
- Status
Resilientbibliophile
Silver Member
Just an aside here,
Coming in the wake of rather unpleasant workplace experiences where there undoubtably was unkind chatter, gossip, teasing, etc. to contend with - this absent any official recourse beyond "...oh, just ignore them!", I'm come to appreciate the value of white noise. The experience of hyperalertness can be so terribly draining, preventing reasoned allocation of attention to important life matters when all one can really focus upon is survival for the constant need to discern and assess threat that may be manifest in an instant. Gosh, I just so regret all the calories burned waiting for the next blow, finding myself undefended and only fitfully believed; i.e. "...well, you're just not popular!". I suppose I was being instructed to watch Clint Eastwood film after Clint Eastwood film to learn to be stoic and unflappable. Gee - thanks! I was supposed to believe that only men harass within the workplace. Sigh...
Some healing has taken place since. At home I have quite the protocol set up which seems to border the absurd, but then again has allowed me space to very slowly lower my guard and begin to trust ever so slightly. I have a shortwave radio with a timer that can be set to turn itself 'OFF' from anywhere to ten to sixty minutes later. The radio would help to cover my departures, for my leaving wasn't strictly timed to when the audio signal of such ceased. Closing doors to provide an additional layer of sound insulation between myself and environments to either side (an apartment then) also seems to have helped. I further have an incredibly clunky and loud wind up alarm clock manufactured in 1932 that never seems to emit the same ticking noise twice, and two additional clocks upon the wall that make noises of their own short of reporting the hour of the day.
Combining the barely audible mumor of the radio that I needn't deliberately shut off, a disc that might be playing on the PC, plus three cantankerous but otherwise benign clock a'clicking, in sum I have secured some degree of mental space to attribute imaginings to the imaginary versus equating all to evil intent. Refinement of 'my method' didn't immediately afford me peace of mind, but with the passage of months I've begun to notice that I can forget elements without feeling so terribly exposed. It is a matter of deep regret to report how long it has taken for certain habits of perception and the resultant anger to subside, but the searing experience of bullying suffered across my primary and secondary school years plus the delayed development of interpersonal skills and confidence so-rooted spelled trouble as I began my professional career.
It's hard to convey just now how profoundly terrible my workplace environment then was, to capture how potentially out of control I felt on the floor, and how dismal a circumstance it likely still is for those who remain there. Tears all the way home whilst in the car, wild out of control rages consistent with travelling back and confronting one and sometimes all with what for them was idle amusement. No sleep perhaps three times a week, whereas late Saturday people would notice a change in my presentation as I mentally prepared for the awfulness of the coming week. No defense, no allies, a dangerous situation starring only me it seemed. So he has "...had a tough life?", no matter - let's poke him with a stick! Giggles, giggles, giggles...
Detoxifying myself and establishing the rudiments of personal boundaries where none had really existed has been the stuff of enormous effort, whereas if I hadn't come up with some hyper-insulating environment to lose myself within, someplace where not every sound might be construed as a trigger atop a trigger, I fear I'd have found a place in the news. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I can still see imaginary newcrews interviewing the predictably bewildered neighbors; i.e. "...well, he seemed more or less well-behaved, kinda kept to himself (practicing your best poor white drawl as so-suits), studious I suppose but not very personable. I guess you can never tell with those sorts!". A total fright - believe me. Thanks...
M.
Coming in the wake of rather unpleasant workplace experiences where there undoubtably was unkind chatter, gossip, teasing, etc. to contend with - this absent any official recourse beyond "...oh, just ignore them!", I'm come to appreciate the value of white noise. The experience of hyperalertness can be so terribly draining, preventing reasoned allocation of attention to important life matters when all one can really focus upon is survival for the constant need to discern and assess threat that may be manifest in an instant. Gosh, I just so regret all the calories burned waiting for the next blow, finding myself undefended and only fitfully believed; i.e. "...well, you're just not popular!". I suppose I was being instructed to watch Clint Eastwood film after Clint Eastwood film to learn to be stoic and unflappable. Gee - thanks! I was supposed to believe that only men harass within the workplace. Sigh...
Some healing has taken place since. At home I have quite the protocol set up which seems to border the absurd, but then again has allowed me space to very slowly lower my guard and begin to trust ever so slightly. I have a shortwave radio with a timer that can be set to turn itself 'OFF' from anywhere to ten to sixty minutes later. The radio would help to cover my departures, for my leaving wasn't strictly timed to when the audio signal of such ceased. Closing doors to provide an additional layer of sound insulation between myself and environments to either side (an apartment then) also seems to have helped. I further have an incredibly clunky and loud wind up alarm clock manufactured in 1932 that never seems to emit the same ticking noise twice, and two additional clocks upon the wall that make noises of their own short of reporting the hour of the day.
Combining the barely audible mumor of the radio that I needn't deliberately shut off, a disc that might be playing on the PC, plus three cantankerous but otherwise benign clock a'clicking, in sum I have secured some degree of mental space to attribute imaginings to the imaginary versus equating all to evil intent. Refinement of 'my method' didn't immediately afford me peace of mind, but with the passage of months I've begun to notice that I can forget elements without feeling so terribly exposed. It is a matter of deep regret to report how long it has taken for certain habits of perception and the resultant anger to subside, but the searing experience of bullying suffered across my primary and secondary school years plus the delayed development of interpersonal skills and confidence so-rooted spelled trouble as I began my professional career.
It's hard to convey just now how profoundly terrible my workplace environment then was, to capture how potentially out of control I felt on the floor, and how dismal a circumstance it likely still is for those who remain there. Tears all the way home whilst in the car, wild out of control rages consistent with travelling back and confronting one and sometimes all with what for them was idle amusement. No sleep perhaps three times a week, whereas late Saturday people would notice a change in my presentation as I mentally prepared for the awfulness of the coming week. No defense, no allies, a dangerous situation starring only me it seemed. So he has "...had a tough life?", no matter - let's poke him with a stick! Giggles, giggles, giggles...
Detoxifying myself and establishing the rudiments of personal boundaries where none had really existed has been the stuff of enormous effort, whereas if I hadn't come up with some hyper-insulating environment to lose myself within, someplace where not every sound might be construed as a trigger atop a trigger, I fear I'd have found a place in the news. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I can still see imaginary newcrews interviewing the predictably bewildered neighbors; i.e. "...well, he seemed more or less well-behaved, kinda kept to himself (practicing your best poor white drawl as so-suits), studious I suppose but not very personable. I guess you can never tell with those sorts!". A total fright - believe me. Thanks...
M.
Bernie's_mom
Bronze Member
My hypervigilance feels like never having a sense of safety. Always being on edge.
I was abused, as a child, in my own home; I was sexually assaulted by a serial rapist, who stalked his victims, in my own bed; I endured 14 years of domestic abuse. So I have a difficult time feeling safe in my own home. I have two very large dogs. I would be lost without them. Yet, when my anxiety levels are up, I catch myself repeatedly looking out the window (who's that person driving by? Do I know them? Why are they going down this street?)
I have chosen to reside in a very small town. I like knowing who everybody is. Non-residents stick out and it's usually easy enough to find out who they are and why they are in town. When I go for a walk, I take my larger, more intimidating dog with me. Having to leave town for any reason is NOT good. I do not like going out of my comfort zone.
If a man asks me my name (and it doesn't matter--they could be a senior citizen) I feel like a deer caught in headlights. If they press and want to know my last name or what town I live in...panic.
I was abused, as a child, in my own home; I was sexually assaulted by a serial rapist, who stalked his victims, in my own bed; I endured 14 years of domestic abuse. So I have a difficult time feeling safe in my own home. I have two very large dogs. I would be lost without them. Yet, when my anxiety levels are up, I catch myself repeatedly looking out the window (who's that person driving by? Do I know them? Why are they going down this street?)
I have chosen to reside in a very small town. I like knowing who everybody is. Non-residents stick out and it's usually easy enough to find out who they are and why they are in town. When I go for a walk, I take my larger, more intimidating dog with me. Having to leave town for any reason is NOT good. I do not like going out of my comfort zone.
If a man asks me my name (and it doesn't matter--they could be a senior citizen) I feel like a deer caught in headlights. If they press and want to know my last name or what town I live in...panic.
jesusfever
New Here
It feels like bad stuff is going to happen to me.
- Post starter
- #41
BloomInWinter
VIP Member
Now, it feels like a bad ex who keeps showing up uninvited but will not leave.
BlackbirdSinging
Diamond Member
Have you ever seen a scary movie? And it gets to the part where the main character hears a sound in the distance. Her eyes get big and her mouth opens. You can almost see the little hairs on the back of her neck standing up. She seems to feel like someone is watching her. She looks around scanning her environment not knowing which direction the attacker might come from. And as you watch this scenario you find yourself tense. Your heart is pounding. Your mouth is dry. You're suddenly very scared and looking all around frantically for the source of your fear. And as the suspense builds adrenaline is released. You're gripping the chair you're sitting on. You want to cover your eyes but you can't take your eyes away. You can't see it but you KNOW something is going to happen.
That's what my hypervigilance feels like. Like I'm alone and vulnerable and everyone has an agenda to hurt me. I just never know who or when or why or how. So I constantly scan my environment and my conversations and the body language of everyone I engage with. Just in case it's them and it's going to happen now. It's like being very scared of something you can't see almost all the time.
That's what my hypervigilance feels like. Like I'm alone and vulnerable and everyone has an agenda to hurt me. I just never know who or when or why or how. So I constantly scan my environment and my conversations and the body language of everyone I engage with. Just in case it's them and it's going to happen now. It's like being very scared of something you can't see almost all the time.
Wounded Scribe
Silver Member
Hypervigilance...
It's the middle of the night and you're awakened from a sound sleep by a distant thump. You listen but you hear nothing. The hair on your neck, stands alert but still, the silence greets you like a friend willing to betray. You can't trust the silence, it's hiding something. You sit up in bed and try and use your eyes to peel back the layers of darkness but your eyes are ill equipped to divide the shadows. You know it's in the dark, it's there but still silence. You get out of the bed, and listen, look, and still, the house remains still. Your heart is galloping in your chest, sending oxygen rich blood to your muscles. Adrenalin surges as your body prepares to respond to the threat, that mocks you from the darkness. One step forward, and another step forward and the darkness disorients you. Your skin, and hair on your neck, and arms measure the atmosphere for changes. The threat is there. You heard it. You know it's there.
Suddenly, your partner wakes from their sleep and ask, "What's wrong?"
"There's something in the dark," you reply.
"No, I don't hear anything, now, come back to bed, you are keeping me up, and this is the 4th time this week, you've waken me..."
Annoyed your partner retires back under the covers.
You listen, look, and feel, but there's nothing there. The dog is asleep, and surely if there were a threat, the dog would have been the first to alert you. Your partner's life has been disrupted.
She doesn't understand. Bad things happen. Very, very bad things happen and we have to be ready, always, to protect ourselves from it ever happening again....
Returning back to bed, the body is jumpy. Blood pressure elevated, heart rate is starting to return to a resting rate, adrenalin, sugar, and Cortisol are flooding the body, causing chronic health problems.
To me...this is what hypverigilance is. Hyper aware, always ready, unreasonable, disruptive to my personal life, and the ones around me, but they don't understand, very bad things happen. But, they haven't happened in 20 plus years.
I hope in therapy we can find a way to turn that switch off or make it so it's not as sensitive and easily fired off.
It's the middle of the night and you're awakened from a sound sleep by a distant thump. You listen but you hear nothing. The hair on your neck, stands alert but still, the silence greets you like a friend willing to betray. You can't trust the silence, it's hiding something. You sit up in bed and try and use your eyes to peel back the layers of darkness but your eyes are ill equipped to divide the shadows. You know it's in the dark, it's there but still silence. You get out of the bed, and listen, look, and still, the house remains still. Your heart is galloping in your chest, sending oxygen rich blood to your muscles. Adrenalin surges as your body prepares to respond to the threat, that mocks you from the darkness. One step forward, and another step forward and the darkness disorients you. Your skin, and hair on your neck, and arms measure the atmosphere for changes. The threat is there. You heard it. You know it's there.
Suddenly, your partner wakes from their sleep and ask, "What's wrong?"
"There's something in the dark," you reply.
"No, I don't hear anything, now, come back to bed, you are keeping me up, and this is the 4th time this week, you've waken me..."
Annoyed your partner retires back under the covers.
You listen, look, and feel, but there's nothing there. The dog is asleep, and surely if there were a threat, the dog would have been the first to alert you. Your partner's life has been disrupted.
She doesn't understand. Bad things happen. Very, very bad things happen and we have to be ready, always, to protect ourselves from it ever happening again....
Returning back to bed, the body is jumpy. Blood pressure elevated, heart rate is starting to return to a resting rate, adrenalin, sugar, and Cortisol are flooding the body, causing chronic health problems.
To me...this is what hypverigilance is. Hyper aware, always ready, unreasonable, disruptive to my personal life, and the ones around me, but they don't understand, very bad things happen. But, they haven't happened in 20 plus years.
I hope in therapy we can find a way to turn that switch off or make it so it's not as sensitive and easily fired off.
D
Deleted member 28403
I am always alerted and have a need to look behind me, and do it 9/10 times.
If there is anything alerting, like there are people behind me in a room I get panic attacks and simply can't stand the pressure. I can't think and my actions are more random impulses from my brain that lead into actions than what I meant to do, I sweat and my hands shake. I can't make my body do what I want it to do.
Example:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/near-breakdown-during-test.48501/#post-772366
Also, I skip more or less all school field trips.
If there is anything alerting, like there are people behind me in a room I get panic attacks and simply can't stand the pressure. I can't think and my actions are more random impulses from my brain that lead into actions than what I meant to do, I sweat and my hands shake. I can't make my body do what I want it to do.
Example:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/near-breakdown-during-test.48501/#post-772366
Also, I skip more or less all school field trips.
- Post starter
- #45
BloomInWinter
VIP Member
Now, my hyper-vigilance is much less pronounced. I still get worn out, get cracked lips and feel edgy. I also still have profuse vaginal secretions during the episodes, and get dehydrated easily.
I recognize it sooner. I take steps to manage the side effects of the hyper-vigilance. Overall, it's so much better now.
I recognize it sooner. I take steps to manage the side effects of the hyper-vigilance. Overall, it's so much better now.
- Post starter
- #46
BloomInWinter
VIP Member
My hyper-vigilance has gotten much better. I still sometimes have it up for days before realizing it. It feels like a stranger who notices when something isn't right and points it out to me.
I still get dehydrated, have stomach problems from the food not digesting, feel out of breath, and have a lot of wandering anxiety. But meditation, deep breathing, rest, petting my dog all help. So does hot tea.
I still get dehydrated, have stomach problems from the food not digesting, feel out of breath, and have a lot of wandering anxiety. But meditation, deep breathing, rest, petting my dog all help. So does hot tea.
BlackbirdSinging
Diamond Member
It feels like being paranoid.
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