Anger At The Wider World For Not Intervening

[Dana1010]

I find it hard to draw the line with blame sometimes. It's like there's a pyramid of perpetrators starting with acute (parents, people who came into my life later who could smell the damage and vulnerability and exploited it) and moving down to the more indirect (failure of the child protection system).

The fact is there were people around my parents way back when who knew that they were nuts and unfit to have children and did zero to stop them. There were people around when I was growing up who knew there were things going on in that house that were not right, and they were in a position to report. They did not and now I feel pissed off at them for sitting idly by while I got screwed over.

My parents' bizarre behavior and lifestyle made us pariahs wherever we went and I was unfairly judged and shunned by peers for things that weren't my fault. The pain of being rejected in your adolescence is something you carry for life I think. I would see groups of teens walking down the street and say to myself, "Why in the hell can't I have that? Why can't I have the same handful of friends that everyone else takes for granted?" I would watch those teen movies with the parties and the romances and absolutely stew in self pity and envy. Sometimes now I look at the few people who would say they're my friends and think, "Where were you when.....?"

It's really depressing how reluctant people are to take a stand for justice when they see kids getting screwed. Do you ever feel anger at people who had the power to intervene but didn't?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yes, of course. I was raised in the 50's and 60's. Secluded in a big White House in a tony white town. We went to church and were forced to sing in the choir. Girl Scouts, ballroom dance lessons, music lessons. There was a drunken abusive father in this home. He terrorized us whenever he felt like it.my mother liked that he had us scared to death. And the abuse trickled down through the siblings. I was bullied and beaten by my older siblings.

No visible signs of cruelty. A nice American family all in their shiny shoes. Seething, blinding anger. I was almost murdered when my father came after me with a large cast iron skillet. My mother just stood there but my sister rushed in and jumped on his back and got him to drop it.

I rage at my mother the most. She didn't remove him from the home, she didn't care that a known pedophile was left alone with three girls and had himself a decade of abuse.

When my father was on his death bed I didn't visit him. When he died I was relieved. I didn't go to his burial. He should have died in jail. But no, my parents traded parenting for golf. We were glad they were never home anymore.

The school did intervene when I missed three months of school. They wanted to know what was wrong with me and to get me a tutor. My mother agreed under pressure. I was having a nervous breakdown that they pretended was mono, a socially acceptable condition.

I can't stand her or my siblings

 

[ghotiff]

Yes I have felt that anger. I call them the betrayers. They knew and did nothing to help. It hurts to think about it so I'm going to stop there...but you are not alone in this.

 

[Dana1010]

.my mother liked that he had us scared to death. And the abuse trickled down through the siblings

Same here, KwanYingirl. She would often get this strange smirk on her face when he was screaming at us for some ridiculous reason. It makes me wonder if some percentage of women get involved with monsters because they find the aggression erotic.

I have nothing but the deepest sympathy for my siblings. We were all put through hell. However the eldest did pick up our father's abusiveness and bullied me all the time. I still think it was our parents' fault; people can't help but take on the coloring of their environment. That's my take; I'm certainly not denying that you have cause to feel the way you do about your siblings or give you the "patch things up" spiel.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Yes I have felt that anger. I call them the betrayers.

I recently told my mother exactly what my eldest brother subjected me to from toddler years. I told her in graphic detail the beatings I received as a vulnerable young boy, being beaten almost daily by a sibling ten years my elder.

She looked at me with a dispassionate gaze and shrugged her shoulders. She, is my 'Betrayer'.

@Dana1010 you have found a great supportive family here, :hug:s if you accept them.

Laurie

 

[spookedlife]

I don't think that this misplaced anger, really. Granted, even justified anger is unhealthy if it becomes a preoccupation, and sours the quality of any part of your life. But just in terms of whether it's "valid"....I think it would be very unusual for ANYONE to not feel anger at those who had the power to intervene, but didn't. Even more justified, is anger at those who not only had the power...but the information....the awareness of the situation...and therefore, the obligation to act accordingly.

I agree with a former post that these are nothing less than betrayals. I've heard of ptsd, in fact, expressed in terms of betrayal...as the deepest level of the phenomenon.....in other words...even for veterans wounded in war....it is at its core a matter of being betrayed by a universe they previously thought of as safe, friendly, and trustworthy. And so, not being able to trust anything or anyone else enough to feel safe afterwards, as a result. In my opinion...betrayal is infinitely more traumatizing than, say, simple, random physical violence. Betrayal has philosophical implications regarding meaning in the universe....suggesting that "it's not worth it, if even those you thought you should be able to trust, turn out to be abusers...even if only in an "omission" sense...as in their failure to act was ":abuse of omission".

And Anger at the World, is a good and very common reaction. Which seems far more injurious than simple anger at one other individual, for a specific wrongdoing. How do you reconcile with something as abstract as "the world"....? How can you ever expect the entire "world" to prove itself, again, for example? I think that an interchangeable term for such an anger would be....bitterness. And when we begin to give in to bitterness...we begin to die, and live a tortured existence that amounts to only biding the time until it ends.

I wish I had a solution. But I know that for me, it became a matter of very concerted, regimented action. Scheduling inspiration reading. Scheduling meditation. Scheduling exercise. Scheduling even "appreciation of the scenery outside" time.

This is one thing I learned in my travels--my mind will try to convince me that I can "unthink the knot" that is tying me down, and restricting me....if I just "figure it out". I wasted huge huge amounts of time....years...in such a convoluted, pointless pursuit. Don't get me wrong...the research I did on my symptoms was constructive, in that it helped me manage them and put them into perspective. But I had to finally reach a moment of clarity in which I was honest with myself.....almost all of what I had been reassuring myself was "adding it up" and "seeing it from all perspectives"....was in fact, only an attempt to relabel "ruminating"...in terms that would enable me to justify it as somehow productive.

And rumination is stewing...is wallowing...is immature. That's the realization I finally reached.

But more crucial was the realization that, unless I started putting material building blocks in place, and just holding to my committment to do them, with a long term view....I would continue to find excuses to fill all of that time only with FURTHER RUMINATION.


I remember asking someone long ago, in fact...."how the hell is that kind of busywork, distraction, self-improvement 101 going to resolve the deep spiritual and philosophical crises that form the essence of my existential confusion".

I can answer that question now...and very easily: Bullshit.

You focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger...you focus on the solution, the solution gets bigger. It's that simple.

You regain faith in the universe by seeing that your attempts to bring positivity into it are progressively more successful...by putting one daily building block of a sense of success and productivity paying off in the form of reflecting back to you the universe is welcoming such efforts, and responding positively to them.

A person in need of a house could as easily say..."hey...what's the point of stacking these bricks together...I don't need stacked bricks right now....what I need is a house."

I didn't see it in those terms at all, myself. And I think it's very difficult to do so, while stranded at the bottom of that well of hopelessness. How can you see the point of something like that, if you can't even see the point of life, in the first place? To expect such a one to make such a leap from such a low point is simply expecting too much.

So I'm hear, bearing good tidings from the other side. No....I'm not "cured". By any means. But I am well out of...The Well. Which I honestly believed at many points I would never be able to say, again.

I didn't mean this to develop into some kind of attempt to change your life by taking it over, and coming off as some kind of guru savior, or anything of the sort.

But I remember what anger, and complete lack of faith in a betraying universe was like...very clearly. So I had to reach out to you in that place with encouragement, and what I learned, myself.

Be well

 

[Seasounds]

Yes, I do. It has been a challenge to heal from this.

It seems like, the predominating operative beliefs behind the maddening situation is that 'children are possessions' of their parents, and that 'the angriest and most anxious' adults, dominate and dictate the behavior of the majority of adults, in families, communities, and politics, UNLESS the majority of adults find their voices.

The solutions is more uplifting. So after I grieve, I focus on positive contributions that I can make, to the children in my life, to others, and to myself.

 

[Friday]

I'm less mad at the system, which is completely broken, and more mad at myself.

I spent over 80k proving my ex is abusive, and should be nowhere near children. The courts agreed. He should definitely take a weekend anger management course. Shoot me now. Yep. That was the verdict. Guilty of child abuse and neglect. Spend 8 hours listening to someone talk about feelings. Bite me.

Everyone in my son's life has tried to go through channels to get him away from his father.

It won't work. His father is wealthy, white, & educated.

The CPS intern (still partnering with the old hand) actually cried on my shoulder. WTF. But the old hat was as resigned and frustrated as I am. No matter how many teachers, doctors, parents, coaches, and family members scream to CPS... No matter how much CPS screams to the courts... The longest my ex has been denied custody is a weekend.

Everyone is furious. Everyone is powerless.

I had to borrow all of that money in bits and pieces. I'll be broke for the rest of forever. I can't even afford the $500 mediation fee. I can't even afford my power bill.

What I should have done, what guts me, is I should have just screwed everyone else over / stolen that money/ shot my ex/ and run away with my son.

He kills my son, and it will be my fault. Because I trusted a broken system to protect my child. Instead of protecting him myself.

You may actually be surprised how many people DID place report after report after report with CPS. And if you moved as often as it seems... Know that's a warning flag. For people at least TRYING to do something. Change cities, change counties, change states... And the whole process has to start all over.

 

[mamachick]

I feel your pain. Bad parents, others turn the other cheek. Nobody intervened in a positive way. Then grow up and marry an abuser. The system fails further. There were not domestic violence laws, and even so, it was better in the 80's when there were no laws, at least you had a chance, you could grab a skillet and try to protect yourself. Now if you try to protect yourself, you will likely go to jail if you are successful. The system that exists is all about making money, not protecting the children or the women. Its about fines, court costs, legal fee's. Its BS-at least here in the US. More jobs for everyone, more paperwork, more injustices.

 

[spookedlife]

I feel your pain as well Fridayjones. Your story is astounding...it left me bitter and discouraged, and it was not even my own experience, much less my own son. I can't imagine how you're carrying on. And I certainly don't blame you for having regrets that you didn't save yourself the 80k by solving matters in a more "practical" and permanent way, to begin with.

An interesting aside, however....I believe in most states...convicted felons have relatively limited rights to visitation, and that those rights are very nearly entirely subject to the custodial parent, and subject to that custodial parent's whim.

And it's funny how easy it is for any given person to find themselves suddenly charged with a felony. Drug felonies are perhaps the worst, in ruining the credibility one has with the courts and childcare authorities. For example, possession of even a tiny amount of cocaine, in one's car, for example, is grounds for a felony charge. And obviously, any driver can be pulled over at any time...especially if anonymous information is received making authorities aware of a driver's unlawful possession of a dangerous drug, in his vehicle. Stranger things than this happen all too frequently.
And finding a credible justification for possessing cocaine in one's vehicle is essentially impossible, after all.

Those who find themselves in such a possession can routinely expect their parental rights to be immediately effected, if not suspended, I believe---even based upon the charge alone, before any conviction.

I know I would have arrived at the same point any parent does for their child--a willingness to do everything and anything necessary to guarantee that child's safety. But it's not easy, in such a passionate desperation to defend one's dearest loved-one....to keep one's head about oneself...and continue to think in practical, logical, and constructive terms. And all too easy to simply give license to one's parental instinct to kill anything or anyone capable of doing one's child harm.

...But of course, then one's child would be traumatized, and without ANY parent to protect him...and burdened with the shame of having a parent in prison, as well. I'm glad you've resisted succumbing to what must be a well nigh overwhelming temptation to choose such a path.

But simply because that dramatic, yet practical solution is impossible...does not mean that ALL other practical solutions should be simply ruled out. Creative thinking, with calm, calculated detachment, can often save the day. We certainly can't expect the legal system to. Be well.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My office building has a nonprofit called Kidspeace. They get referrals from the courts to counsel and advocate for children in foster care. One of their duties is to mediate and supervise visitations between the children and the birth parents who have temporarily lost custody. It blows my mind how abusive some of these parents are IN FRONT of the social worker. I just think. Good they'll never get the kid back. And some of them totally ignore the kids. Nuts. Crazy abusive people.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yes, I do. I mean.. There are certain people who knew that the abuse was going on, but the overwhelming response was "boys will be boys." It was strange how nobody seemed to think that when I would try to fight back. Then all of sudden it was 'violent weirdo child'... I tried telling adults about what was going on, but they never did anything concrete. Eventually I stopped complaining. I just accepted that my hell wouldn't last forever, if I could just hold out til I was 18 and could leave. Ofcourse I never expected to have splits and be partially mired in it for the rest of my life.

At home it was a different story. My brother was very skilled at not leaving bruises, and punished me severely if I tried to tell. I gave up on that too. The best day of my life is when the bastard finally left for college. I thought it odd how he would come home all full of rage and fury, because he didn't have someone to assault now that he was away from me. Goddamn coward, he was. But it's hard to find somebody to blame when you never really told anyone. And I really didn't, as the shame of being a victim, coupled with the futility of asking for help, made me just give up.

There was one person (world) that I came to hate with all my heart, and still kinda do. God. The one who had all the power in the universe to intervene, the one who knew about everything and just let it happen because apparently he has better things to do instead of saving a child from a walking hell. Him I blamed for everything, as his sin of omission was the ultimate betrayal. I stopped believing in the goodness of the world.. Stopped believing any sort of truth other than blood and horror. And ofcourse this makes me the bad guy, because all the lucky people in the world believe that shit about god being all good and wonderful. When I read the bible I see only a cowardly monster and rapist who skipped out on his responsibilities and sent his son to be murdered in his stead. I would kill him if I could.

My one escape was nature. I mean, nature certainly isn't gentle or kind to the unprepared, but at least it's fair. Nothing else was. I came to believe in gods who didn't make promises of a wonderful life. Lovely gods who did not hate humanity for being born. They helped me get through.

So to answer your question again, yes.. Lots of anger at those who stood by and did nothing. Anyone could see that I was going insane, but all they did was blame me for it. It's alot easier for them to do that than admit that children are just as evil as any adult could ever be...