Anger At The Wider World For Not Intervening

[The Albatross]

Bravo and well done @spookedlife - I agree and wish I could hit the like button a thousand times: "I can "unthink the knot" that is tying me down, and restricting me....if I just "figure it out". I wasted huge huge amounts of time....years...in such a convoluted, pointless pursuit. Don't get me wrong...the research I did on my symptoms was constructive, in that it helped me manage them and put them into perspective. But I had to finally reach a moment of clarity in which I was honest with myself.....almost all of what I had been reassuring myself was "adding it up" and "seeing it from all perspectives"....was in fact, only an attempt to relabel "ruminating"...in terms that would enable me to justify it as somehow productive.

And rumination is stewing...is wallowing...is immature. That's the realization I finally reached.
But more crucial was the realization that, unless I started putting material building blocks in place, and just holding to my committment to do them, with a long term view....I would continue to find excuses to fill all of that time only with FURTHER RUMINATION.
I remember asking someone long ago, in fact...."how the hell is that kind of busywork, distraction, self-improvement 101 going to resolve the deep spiritual and philosophical crises that form the essence of my existential confusion".

I can answer that question now...and very easily: Bullshit.

You focus on the problem, the problem gets bigger...you focus on the solution, the solution gets bigger. It's that simple."

Well said.

 

[Springer80]

My older brother started running away from our home when he was two and a half. And I don't mean hiding in the back garden, I mean stealing a neighbourhood kids little plastic motorbike and propelling himself miles into town. By the time I was two and he was approaching four my father had started drugging and raping my mum. Later he moved onto me. These things don't happen overnight and I think the atmosphere in our house was pretty toxic from an early stage in mine and my brothers lives.

The 'funny' thing is, everyone makes jokes about it. Oh wasn't he always a little handful, you couldn't take you eyes off him for a second. The local police used to call our house if a report of a missing child came in to check it wasn't him. Isn't that hilarious.

It's become like an accepted version of events. And yet when me and my brother talk about it, we are recounting the fact that a toddler had built up the nerve to try and escape at less than 3 years old. He didn't stop either. He tried to climb out of first floor windows and I remember the police coming to the house when he hadn't come back for hours and no-one could find him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I too wasted so many years in pure hatred, poisoning me and so very bitter about all the good people who did not come forward. They turned a blind eye.

I am of the ones who are more into moving on now in my healing and recovery.

But I do remember the rage that was in me at the whole world and all of my abusers.

I am in a much better place now and I hope for the day when your rage will quiet and you will be worn out from it and seek healing and recovery for yourself. Because the past is done, it left its marks and scars and only ourselves can make a better life for ourselves.

I was so bitter and miserable to be around. Blind in my rage.

Personally, I think that betrayal is one of the hardest things to heal from. I found it took so many years out of my life. I see them as wasted years now.

I wish you the very best in your healing and recovery.

 

[Springer80]

I agree Gizmo. But also, and I don't think your suggesting this because you stated you had the same emotions for years, it is not as if you can just push a button and skip the anger stage when you've been hurt so badly. I think you have to express it, because it is criminal and it's psychologically so damaging to have certain universal 'truths' shattered at a young age by something so awful.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I so agree with you Springer, you cannot skip this stage at all.

 

[Go Hungry]

I agree Gizmo. But also, and I don't think your suggesting this because you stated you had the same emotions for years, it is not as if you can just push a button and skip the anger stage when you've been hurt so badly. I think you have to express it, because it is criminal and it's psychologically so damaging to have certain universal 'truths' shattered at a young age by something so awful.

Ain't that the truth. It did take years and years, until I just got bored of reliving the same events again and again. Now I'm trying to recover, and stumbling as I do it. Just today I got a shock that nearly drowned me.. It's not easy, no?

 

[Dana1010]

The local police used to call our house if a report of a missing child came in to check it wasn't him.

He was running away from the abuse at two and a half? No one, not even the police, thought to ask if there might be something very wrong in that house for a toddler to be running away all the time?

 

[Springer80]

No one, not even the police, thought to ask if there might be something very wrong in that house for a toddler to be running away all the time?

Nope. They all thought it was funny and sort of cute?!

 

[xena21]

My family all moved on. They thought that it was over with. I was the only one that felt the pain that resonated from it. It was my fault though, because I told them I was ok. I Still felt horrible and guilty from everything. I hated my family for what happened. I wanted to get back at them. I picked certain events and then allowed them to make me the catalyst to get back at them.

I hated all my family. I told my Mom I was not seeing them ever again. I tried to scare my Grandmother with an anonymous note. and hoped she would know it was from me. I was never planning to see any of them ever again. I wanted them all to know they were the most hated people around, yet I was still vulnerable to them. I never said anything to anyone, so nobody knew the real truth. It never really worked out. I hate everyone now.