HollowLavender
Bronze Member
I posted on here before about how I only feel useful during sex and lately I've learned about Anhedonia which seems to be pretty accurate in describing how I feel If I'm understanding it right.
Half the time I feel everything so intensely that I can't calm down or function at all and then after a big event I just slip back into a state where I don't feel anything. Everything feels boring people feel indifferent or genuinely like they hate me. I really can't remember what positive emotions feel like. I act the part well but that's from years of being what others want to avoid conflicts or being abandoned. I smile and laugh but it feels surface level. Everything feels fuzzy except pain like I'm in a mist or fog. When I get stressed I scratch and hurt myself so much I bleed and have huge scars but it's the only thing that grounds me everything else feels distant. Then everything piles up and I explode and I feel numb again it's like going from 0 to 100 and there's no way to control it.
I'm getting so depressed and feeling so hopeless about everything I ordered a pound of sodium nitrate and have it on a night stand as a "safety net" in case I finally get the nerve up and I've been driving to parking structure going to the roof and just sitting there for hours at a time. Everything feels pointless and impossible. Its like trying to be comfortable when it's either -100 or 100 degrees I can't take anymore I don't know what to do and therapy isn't helping, my friends are getting ready to throw me out, my family already threw me away and I can't afford anything. I feel disgusting and like a bad person because when I hear stories about people being killed I feel envious. I've slept with over 100 guys hoping just one would be a psycho transphobic killer and they'd take me out but it never happened. The periods of hope are getting smaller and smaller while the Anhedonia and depression kept getting longer and longer. I can't even go a day without drawing a character I named "bipolar bunny" which is a little cartoon bunny I drew as a kid when I was sad hurting himself or worse. My friend saw a drawing I did of him hanging from a ceiling fan and now she's freaking out. Idk what to do everything feels pointless or overwhelming I just want it to stop.
Half the time I feel everything so intensely that I can't calm down or function at all and then after a big event I just slip back into a state where I don't feel anything. Everything feels boring people feel indifferent or genuinely like they hate me. I really can't remember what positive emotions feel like. I act the part well but that's from years of being what others want to avoid conflicts or being abandoned. I smile and laugh but it feels surface level. Everything feels fuzzy except pain like I'm in a mist or fog. When I get stressed I scratch and hurt myself so much I bleed and have huge scars but it's the only thing that grounds me everything else feels distant. Then everything piles up and I explode and I feel numb again it's like going from 0 to 100 and there's no way to control it.
I'm getting so depressed and feeling so hopeless about everything I ordered a pound of sodium nitrate and have it on a night stand as a "safety net" in case I finally get the nerve up and I've been driving to parking structure going to the roof and just sitting there for hours at a time. Everything feels pointless and impossible. Its like trying to be comfortable when it's either -100 or 100 degrees I can't take anymore I don't know what to do and therapy isn't helping, my friends are getting ready to throw me out, my family already threw me away and I can't afford anything. I feel disgusting and like a bad person because when I hear stories about people being killed I feel envious. I've slept with over 100 guys hoping just one would be a psycho transphobic killer and they'd take me out but it never happened. The periods of hope are getting smaller and smaller while the Anhedonia and depression kept getting longer and longer. I can't even go a day without drawing a character I named "bipolar bunny" which is a little cartoon bunny I drew as a kid when I was sad hurting himself or worse. My friend saw a drawing I did of him hanging from a ceiling fan and now she's freaking out. Idk what to do everything feels pointless or overwhelming I just want it to stop.
