Hi Clydiechick
I am ex-military, and I was working as a child protection field officer when my breakdown started.
In my experience, PTSD is a phenomenon of loss. Sometimes, seemingly endless loss.
The feeling of impotence, and futility is overwhelming, as parts of your self; your relationships; your prospects, and engagements fall away.
I have never been married. So I cannot relate to losing a relationship of that magnitude, but I have lost a lot of people since becoming ill.
I really loved my job. I was very good at it, and I was well respected by my peers and superiors. It gave me a strong sense of worth and capability. I fought for six months, as my mind spiralled more and more out of control, to keep it. In the end, I was so ****ed that all I did was sit there gazing into a blank computer screen. My supervisor knew that I wasn't doing any work, but because I had given so much to the job previously, she protected me, and allowed me to continue like this until eventually I quit.
By the time that I left, I had lost the respect and friendship of my co-workers; I went from being the 'golden boy' with the promising future, to the head case liability that 'needed to get help'.
The relationships that I had with my supervisors in child protection were highly rewarding. It meant a lot to me to be admired and respected by them, because I had been abused (physically and psychologically) by supervisors in the past. Now those relationships are gone. Along with most of my self worth and self esteem.
Losing people's respect hurts a lot - knowing that they do not regard you in the same light anymore. Some of my 'friends' have simply cut me off - the feelings of anger and hatred that this stirs is at times immense. At times, I have contacted people and they have simply not bothered to respond – this generates a kind of ‘tearing limbs from bodies’ rage that I often have nowhere else to direct but into my internal organs. Though, as you’ve said, crying can offer some temporary relief.
When the smoke clears, the people with compassion, the people who genuinely care about you are still around. You can waste a lot of energy and emotion trying to maintain relationships with people who (as it turns out) never really gave a shit about you in the first place. In the end, the shreds of dignity and self-respect that you are able to hold onto are worth a lot more.
I can’t relate to marriage breakdown, but I can relate to ‘hero-to-zero’. In the end, I guess your husband’s going to do what he’s going to do. With my PTSD, I’ve come to realise that I really do not have a lot of leverage in relationships anymore. I have grudgingly learnt to accept and be grateful for what people are prepared to offer. I avoid asking for anything more as I find that it lowers my standing.
I don’t know your background, but as an ex-cop, you put your up hand up to take on more stress and all-round bullshit than most people are willing to take on. That takes courage and character. That still counts for something. The fact that you have PTSD doesn’t change that.
