Another Dissassociation Question-

[Mercy]

I had my own little freak out after my last post. Kind of a public break through for me; I like to have those epiphanies privately. But this post is scary because it gives details that are personally identifying to the bully and I fear that he will read it and mess with me again. How can I tell my story, get validation from others, if I am terrified that I will be targeted again? I want to erase the whole post. I think predators read this stuff more than victims. I worry that they will learn from my story. Do you agree? Would it be selfish of me to post my diary? What is it that causes me to ignore my fear and decide to believe that I am wrong and somehow safe here, even though I really don't believe that? Desperation...?

Dear Muzik,
I hear your fear of being targeted for more abuse. That is certainly scary. It seems to me that reabuse is one of the fears most of us carry all our lives long.

It would not be selfish at all to write your suffering in your own diary. It is amazingly freeing to put things in words and amazingly comforting when other diary writers/readers respond to you. We are here to help each other and care about what another person is going through. Please do write and share your life story with us, as and when you are comfortable. Share only as much as you want to at what ever pace is good for you.

As for believing you are safe here, if you are like me, it is hard for me to believe I am safe anywhere, anytime. When we write diaries in the private diary section of the PTSD forum, I think I remember being told that not everybody can read them. I wrote some really hard stuff in my diary. I was afraid but since I use the name Mercy no one can find me by name. If someone knows what happened to me and reads it, I have to hope that they still won't be able to find me anyway.

Thanks for sharing what you did. It takes courage which you have shown you have by writing what you did. It takes hope which you have or you wouldn't have bothered writing at all. Courage and Hope are our strongest allies in this PTSD life.

 

[Gabby]

Hi

I have Autism myself and PTSD. There is a bit more to do with Autism then just zoneing/blanking out.

I know the difference between a dissociation and a sensory overload zone out or blanked out state.

With a dissociation you do not realize what you are doing during the episode, like for me when I dissociate, it is usually after a flashback or nightmare and i dissociate and then when I come out of it, I realized that I have hurt myself but have no memory of doing it.

Where as with a sensory overload, zone out, blank out. I am usually aware that I am doing it. During a sensory overload, I can not talk but am responsive, during a zone out is when i disappear into my own world where everything to do with socializing is done my way and I don't get told of for it, during a blank out is where i blank out for a couple of minutes or hrs and during that time I can not talk or move.

I hope this helps you understand it a bit better.

With Autism as well, you have the social and communication issues and repetitive behaviors.

 

[Mercy]

Thanks for writing this all out. It helps me understand the different 'states of being' you experience.

 

[mamachick]

I zone out sometimes when I am with others but things are non interactive. I have caught meyself (like in a classroom setting) but I was not aware that it is so evident to others.
I started going to a new salon to get my nails done. While the place is busy with customers, not a lot of talking. I stare at the tv but am not really watching. Its not intentional-I just zone out. The guy doing my nails says "you ok". Then I quickly come back and feel a bit embarrassed. Actually, it feels almost as though I fall asleep with my eyes open. I am not thinking about trauma or anything negative. Might be the closest thing to relaxing that I do while awake and particularly in public. Because when I go into a place (restaurant, store, etc ) I seem to constantly be scanning for who is there.