Well, I have had a look around and can't see any one place that leaps out at me so I'll start my journey here. Please forgive me if my writing style is a bit clinical. I find it easier this way.
In my early teens, participating in a day gliding as part of a youth group, one of the gliders crashed which I, among others, witnessed. Years after, I discovered that both the pilot and the cadet died.
As a student nurse, working in the emergency department, I was invited to observe an incoming cardiac arrest. What they didn't tell me was the patient would be a 1 year old sudden infant death. No counselling or support offered.
Also as a student, I was assaulted by a male student while drunk. They told others it was consensual which it was not, and implied that there was someone who would say it was consensual.
I later came to work in the emergency department once I qualified. I found myself in some very stressful situations, including taking a call from the ambulance service telling us a plane had crashed at the nearby international airport, a week before Christmas. A suicide victim who had injured themself so severely jumping head first that I had brain matter on my uniform. Stabbings. Shootings. I found that I was able to break bad news to relatives and loved ones and I was so dissociated I didn't need to think twice and I hated myself for that. I ultimately had a meltdown, and became a ghost in that department while I found a new job and worked my notice.
In my new job, I hoped things would be better but as I hear, these things follow you.
Four years ago, there was a major house fire in my town and as resources in the ED were stretched they asked for staff to help. I volunteered. It turned out the family lived 100 metres from my family and I, one of the children who died was in my son's class.
I wrote a list of these things, and others, recently and put at the the bottom "not a day goes by when I don't think about at least one of things. I don't want to, but I do."
I have recurring nightmares, occasional panic attacks, mood swings.
I know I need help, but am struggling.
