Anxiety About Going To The Gym.

[MT Johnny]

The back story, after I did the partial day program in 2012, one of the things I did that was a real life saver was join a gym and get really active at it.

About a month after that, I was feeling really down about the entire experience I had gone through, and feeling very labeled, like I had a target on my back or something, because at that time I was diagnosed as bipolar. I had this really bad morning one day at the gym where I left there fighting back the tears, and had a major panic attack in my car because I felt like I "didn't belong there" because I had this bipolar diagnosis - it was part and parcel of my entire paranoia/fear/guilt/shame complex about a mental health diagnosis and a mental illness. Such a typical PTSD thing really, I can sit here and pretty much "be in" that moment, replay it in my mind like it's on videotape or something.

Except I do know now that whole "I don't belong" business is crap - something which is getting clearer to me by the day. Glad, really glad, to finally see it from a rational perspective, not through the lense of extreme paranoia.

Well, this morning, I made it there for a session with my PT - and it was about the worst experience I've had in a long time there - I just was completely frustrated, upset, and kind of lost it in front of him, which I regret, he's such a nice guy and been with me through a lot.

I had another "I don't belong here, I don't fit in, what am I doing here" moment - but NOTHING to do with "mental health" - it's because ... I've allowed myself to get fat again, which I hate, and I'm so physically weak. I can't do the level of weights I could do a year ago when I peaked at strength training. I can't even run right now, because I still haven't gotten around to getting my asthma medication back on track. Strenght sucks. Endurance sucks. Nutrition sucks. I screwed it all up, and I was SO proud of how great I had done.

Yeah, I've really screwed it up. I've gained about 20 lbs. Depression and stress eating, back to my old ways. It's horrible, nothing in my closet fits, and I feel so ashamed at how I look in a mirror. My "tough or die" attitude and my 24/7 drive have gone away too.

The thing is, though, I know this too is crap. Yeah, I f'ed up and slipped back. It happens all the time. It isn't a value judgement on my character - neither is having a mental illness, I know that now.

My PT told me I was acting like a whiny brat and like I thought i was somehow "special" for thinking "it only happens to me" - good words to hear, because I need people to bring me to reality.

The end of this week is a little emotionally tough for me - I signed up months ago to do a triathlon this weekend, that is NOT possible with how I feel physcially. Now with the fact I dropped my training routine entirely in March. So, I feel bad about that.

Time to get over myself and try harder again all around, diet and exercise. They have the exact same event in late summer - I should target that one as a goal.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Perhaps being realistic would be to change your goals? I'm 40 something and had let myself go for a long time, so when I first started the gym I went for a an introductory goal setting session, the trainer asked me what I was hoping to achieve - and of course I'd like to be a super toned size 10 - but understanding myself mentally, I told him that I'd started exercise programs previously and never been able to maintain it, so my first goal was to build gym into my busy lifestyle and maintain my enjoyment of it.

With that in mind, my initial goal was to come for 30 minutes 3 or 4 times a week. Now I'm still enjoying it after a couple of months, so I've upped that to 30 minutes cardio and 15 minutes weights or abs 3/4 times a week. If it wasn't for work and kids, I'd like to go more often, but my base goal is still to maintain my enjoyment. If I start pushing myself to hard and bullying myself to be better, then it would become a form of abuse for me, that eventually would lead me to stop going.

I don't know if any of this applies to you, but perhaps it is something to think about when setting goals. And if you are using a personal trainer, use one that will understand and work with goals that suit you.

 

[Changing4Best]

Physical fitness is something you need to address regularly, and be on top of most days. It is especially tough to get back into, if one has taken some time off for an injury (including a mental one).

About belonging somewhere, theoretically there should be no place that you are not welcome at. Just because someone looks nice and fit and trim, does not mean they always looked that way. Being fit and trim takes work and no slacking off. It is something that one should work toward every day, unless one is very ill physically, like having a cold or the flu or something like that. Once one takes off a week or two or three, one is going to feel it when they return to exercising.

And pat yourself on the back when you do go to the gym, not with food, but with other things you like, like going shopping or buying a book or something else that is not caloric. If you cannot afford to buy things, take a leisurely walk in the park or visit a friend or something. There are a lot of things that one can do that don't involve eating or being lazy. Be creative to think of what they are.

 

[Mallaky]

Hello. I am sorry to say, but to me it feels like you are in a bit of denial. I hope I dont offend you. Two thing in particular jumped out to me while reading your post.

I had another "I don't belong here, I don't fit in, what am I doing here" moment - but NOTHING to do with "mental health" - it's because ... I've allowed myself to get fat again, which I hate, and I'm so physically weak.

Well, selfloathing is a pretty big part of depression. Is it really the end of the world that you let your training go, while you were preoccupied with other matters? I mean, getting fat and out of shape is not the end of the world. The way I see it, if you want to get into shape, the way there is doing regular excercise. It is less about the result and about the now, and more about the discipline to do it as often as you chose to do. It is about starting, and then not stopping. The excessiv focus on your current state, instead of the future you see yourself living, indicates a very problematic self image, dont you think? Yes, you got ouf of shape, but that is easily reversible. Just takes 2 ounces of patience, and 1 of discipline. But it is about a lifestyle change, not one herculean effort and then peace of mind for the rest of your life. So, if you want to change your lifestyle, the gym is as good a place as any to start. Getting fit and slim should not be the focus, being a better person should. Or living a better life, if you want.

My PT told me I was acting like a whiny brat and like I thought i was somehow "special" for thinking "it only happens to me" - good words to hear, because I need people to bring me to reality.

I am not a fan of the "tough love" school of counseling. For me, yes it could feel good in the short run, but then it just threw timber in the fire of selfhate. And seeing how hard you are on yourself in your post maybe it does the same for you? You see, I do not know you, but PTSD is really not the run of the mill mental lazyness that some people think it is. It is a harsh wound.
I wonder if you would approach the same situation this harshly, if your situation would have come from, lets say, a car accident that put you into the hospital for 9 months.

I hope I did not overstep any line, but one reason I wanted to write this is for myself. I sometimes feel what you described myself, even though I train at home and not in the gym, and when hard time comes I hope I remember what I wrote here. Best of luck to you!

 

[Blue Survivor]

Try to keep in mind that a LOT of people at gyms feel uncomfortable for different reasons. It doesn't always have to be for a mental healthy reason.

Me? I'm a female, and I go to a co-ed gym. I work nights and on my off nights I like to keep a regular schedule...so if I'm there at 3am and there are tons of guys in there....I'm uncomfortable if they stare. I can also feel uncomfortable if I see a female in better shape than me, I feel not good enough (then I stop myself, of course). A guy I was seeing was new to the gym - he had never been in one before! He was very uncomfortable, because he had no idea what he was doing as far as machines, reps, etc. Countless others feel uncomfortable or weird or awkward; it happens. Just look at the new gym members every January, LOL.

But I realized - the gym is just like middle school - most people are so concerned about themselves or their shortcomings that they don't even notice someone else's shortcomings, weirdness, awkwardness, etc.

Let's say I see you at the gym and you're visibly 20 pounds (or even 100 pounds) overweight. Do you know what I'd think of you? Not that you're a slacker or lazy or back to your old way. I'd think that you're awesome for just showing up there to do the work. So keep it up :)

 

[Care Bear]

@MT Johnny As I read your post, I really started thinking that you've got your situation pretty under control, i.e. you know what thoughts and beliefs of yours aren't useful, you know what changes you want to make, etc. Kudos to you for that!

It's still great that you reached out because writing down your problems can really clarify some things (I'm better at writing for "others" than I am for myself sometimes). I also tend to go through phases, I'm either taking care of myself by eating well or exercising, or I'm down in the dumps and not giving myself much self-care. I'm not diagnosed bipolar (though my dad is). My point is, lately, after years of trying to beat myself into submission and have 100% of my days be productive, I realized it won't happen. Maybe someday, but not now. So, on my "low" days, I accept where I am and keep faith that tomorrow could always change (even if it doesn't end up that way). I have found that being nicer to myself when I'm low makes those days a bit healthier, even if they aren't as productive as I'd like them to be.

 

[Sabine]

I don't go to gyms. They are full of people and I don't do well around people. I have a garden, lucky me right? (There's a new trend, people garden other people's backyards if they don't have space.) I've spent months in depression spells because I got to the point where I wanted to commit myself, but was too terrified of the people that that would involve me having to deal with. Working with tools and dirt is good therapy. Making and building things is also very rewarding. I can set my own goals and pick my own pace, and if I don't quite make it I can come back to it later. I've had all the "tough love" bs I can handle in my life and it's useless in my case. My personal therapy for myself getting back into shape might seem strange. But by slowly working more and more I've managed to go from a total cottage cheese to losing 20lbs and regaining more than just a little muscle tone. I also have the next 5 months to look forward to eating totally wonderful veggies I grew myself.