Anxiety When I'm Heading Home In The Car

[nycowboy]

Hi everyone.

I like my job. I love my family. I like our house. I like most of the people in our neighborhood. I'm starting to tolerate the "evil" people next door. They aren't bad, just different from me. The old story of "I don't fit in" "I am different" "People don't like me" appears a lot in my life. I was bullied a lot as a kid and that has a lot to do with it.

One of the times that it appears the hardest is when I am going from work to home in the car. My mind tells me, "Something is going to be wrong." "There will be trouble when you get home." "Everyone will be outside making lots of noise and you won't be able to escape it." "Your life will be a living hell." "It will be BAD." "You mowed the lawn last night so THEY are going to be out mowing and you won't be able to escape the noise."

Those are the old, old stories that my mind is telling me. So when I approach our house, I feel my heart beating faster, and my breath gets shallower.

Then if I see that the "evil" neighbors are home, it gets really bad. I've had some run-ins with them before and I'm afraid of them.

I HATE BEING LIKE THIS. I recently discovered a book called "Yoga for Anxiety" and that has helped a lot with teaching me how to breathe in situations like this. But I'm wondering if any of you have had the same problem.

What do you/would you do in this situation? The "drivetime" anxiety was bad yesterday, and it left me quite paralyzed/frozen for the rest of the day.

One thought I just had: when I was in Jr. High, I rode the bus (I was bullied a lot on the bus). But on the way home I had this mantra that I'd say repeatedly: "I hope I'm not in trouble when I get home." Over and over. I figured if I said this, I wouldn't be in trouble. I was a good kid for the most part, but I always harbored a really deep fear of being in trouble at home. I had a very stable family.

 

[Friday]

Tech : I'd pop a nanny-cam or a security cam up, link it to my phone, & check the status.

OldSchool : Or have an informant to ring and give me the situation report.

I'm not fond of walkin into hostile environments blind.

 

[nycowboy]

Thanks, Friday.

I thought of that but have not followed through.

I'm pretty old-school. Don't even have a smartphone.

 

[scout86]

My mind tells me, "Something is going to be wrong."

How likely is it that that's going to be accurate? If the answer is "not very", can you maybe adopt a more positive mantra? ("Oh goody I get to go home and do whatever"?)

My T's kind of big on the idea of redefining things. I mentioned once that I had a hard time returning phone calls because "at the end of the day that's the last thing I feel like doing." He said, "Maybe you need to redefine 'the end of the day'." Ummmmm As in, "the day" doesn't end until the phone calls are returned. I was kind of surprised, but it helped. I still hate returning phone calls, but I get them done better when I define the day as not ending until after that task is completed.

So, maybe you can find a way to redefine the things you're dreading that are leading to the anxiety? It probably won't make you like your neighbors, but maybe you can adjust the way you're looking at things and take some of the pressure off yourself. For example.......

"Something is going to be wrong."

And I'll totally be able to deal with it.

There will be trouble when you get home.

And it will be minor compared to other things you've dealt with

 

[nycowboy]

Thanks, as always, scout! You are always so helpful to me!

You are right about redefining things. It is hard for me just to accept that I'm anxious and triggered and just let it be that way. I want to fight it, control it, and conquer it.

It destroys my attitude. I go home and I'm afraid. Of what? Lately, it's been that the neighbors will mow their lawn. (... ... ... huh?... ... ...) They are going to be out there yelling at each other and revving up their big noisy lawn machine, then they will purposely mow over the property line so that I have to go over there and yell at them and stand up for myself and my property and then I will have to have a conflict with them and they will win... and and and and and and

none of this is true, but my brain is so hard-wired to fear people I don't know and who I sense don't like me that I can't function normally at home. It is so hard. I'm grouchy with my wife and my dear sons. I'm able to talk what is going on, but it is so deeply ingrained in me that I can't stop the anxiety. I just want to live in peace.

I've been in T (not now) and that helped me be aware of what is going on so I can start to process it.

I'm struggling and I want a way out of this mess.

I need to redefine.

 

[scout86]

then they will purposely mow over the property line so that I have to go over there and yell at

Two things about that. First, I've got a neighbor who does the same thing. (I TOTALLY don't get why!) It drives me nuts. But it's not actually true that you "have" to go yell at them. What I did was put up a fence. It's not much of a fence. It's fiber glass posts, for an electric fence and white rope that is also designed to be used for an electric fence. My plan, at some point, is to let my horses mow the yard. (I can do that here. :)) But, it marks the property line and keeps him on his side of it. It's not connected to a fencer. You could use a lot of different things to accomplish the same thing. Plant something like lilac bushes?

 

[nycowboy]

Thanks scout.

There is a Rose of Sharon bush that I planted right at the property line. And it does help. But the fear is there. They finally mowed yesterday afternoon, so I won't "have" to worry about them mowing for at least another week. And they didn't mow over the line.