whiteraven
MyPTSD Pro
This is way longer than I had intended. Sorry about that.
Honestly not sure where this belongs - it has elements of anxiety, depression, and just overall dysfunction, so I thought I'd start here.
So, wrote this in my diary last night after a very nice trip to a book fair with my niece (she's going away to school in August, and I like spending time with her. We also made plans to do a few other things this and next month):
"I wish someone could help. I do all kinds of stuff; it often goes ok while I'm doing it, but I am always very anxious and not wanting to do it beforehand and really depressed after. I'm mostly doing things because it's expected (rather than because I enjoy them), although I don't usually do things I would not normally do."
This has been an ongoing issue with me off-and-on for a long time, but moreso since I started back to work in August 2021. I was out of work for a year-and-a-half during COVID, after quitting a horrible job I'd been with for 16 years. It was probably my happiest (well, you know) and most productive time in several years. Yes, there were financial worries, and I lost two beloved cats in 2021, but overall, I felt *alive* and like being so actually meant something. I could be really present with my cats during their final months, I had the flexibility of choosing my own schedule every day, and I did not have to be around people if I didn't want to be.
The job I have now is manageable, primarily a work-from-home position (I did go in initially but got permission to WFH after several months), and it is doing work that I've been trained (and am training) for. Outside of work, I am doing a LOT of stuff. I'm trying to get two businesses off the ground (in hopes I can eventually quit the 9-5 and work a flexible schedule), run a pagan group at church, do some volunteer work for a rescue and a labyrinth organization, write (I have several projects I'm working on), plan a remodel of my condo (and, hopefully, one day a move), be with my cats, feed the birds, take photographs.
Even though I'm not involved in anything I hate--and everything I do I believe in and, at some point, felt good about--I am immensely unhappy. The one thing I hear from any "professional" I deal with is that I just have to get out and do stuff. I am busier than most of the people I know. Not overly so, but I have my hands in a lot of things. But the whole thing morphed into this general apathy, about everything. Well, everything except my cats. Even the businesses, which I was initally very excited about and which focus on the important things in life to me: animals and writing.
I started a thread here some time ago about what you would do if there were no constraints, financial and otherwise. I have two scenarios in my head: either open a state-of-the-art animal sanctuary or buy a house and a lot of wooded land. The latter is more appealing to me now, as I'm really struggling with people and tons of responsibility. I have this fantasy of having the house and woods, builiding two small guest houses to rent out (maybe one a writer's retreat for writers who just want to get away for awhile), and spending the rest of my life just writing, making my cats happy (there's a sizable catio in that fantasy :-), maybe fostering cats or dogs (or just having more, and finishing the writing/research projects I've started.
I think one of my biggest issues is having to be around and responsible to people. I've never much cared for groups, and always had just a few close friends. Now, I really don't have any close friends (all mine died over the last several years) and I don't make them easily. I'm feeling old (61), which is also a new feeling (and, in part, due to some physical issues I'm having), and struggle with feeling any purpose (and sometimes just want to get it all over with). I have also become VERY disenchanted with society just generally, and all of the institutions it has created. Oh, and I'm very easily overwhelmed by things that go wrong in all of those interactions. But that's for another thread.
Anyway, this ended up being longer than I intended. Thanks if you got this far! I mostly just wanted to put this out there for support and to see if anyone feels the same and/or has any suggestions.
Honestly not sure where this belongs - it has elements of anxiety, depression, and just overall dysfunction, so I thought I'd start here.
So, wrote this in my diary last night after a very nice trip to a book fair with my niece (she's going away to school in August, and I like spending time with her. We also made plans to do a few other things this and next month):
"I wish someone could help. I do all kinds of stuff; it often goes ok while I'm doing it, but I am always very anxious and not wanting to do it beforehand and really depressed after. I'm mostly doing things because it's expected (rather than because I enjoy them), although I don't usually do things I would not normally do."
This has been an ongoing issue with me off-and-on for a long time, but moreso since I started back to work in August 2021. I was out of work for a year-and-a-half during COVID, after quitting a horrible job I'd been with for 16 years. It was probably my happiest (well, you know) and most productive time in several years. Yes, there were financial worries, and I lost two beloved cats in 2021, but overall, I felt *alive* and like being so actually meant something. I could be really present with my cats during their final months, I had the flexibility of choosing my own schedule every day, and I did not have to be around people if I didn't want to be.
The job I have now is manageable, primarily a work-from-home position (I did go in initially but got permission to WFH after several months), and it is doing work that I've been trained (and am training) for. Outside of work, I am doing a LOT of stuff. I'm trying to get two businesses off the ground (in hopes I can eventually quit the 9-5 and work a flexible schedule), run a pagan group at church, do some volunteer work for a rescue and a labyrinth organization, write (I have several projects I'm working on), plan a remodel of my condo (and, hopefully, one day a move), be with my cats, feed the birds, take photographs.
Even though I'm not involved in anything I hate--and everything I do I believe in and, at some point, felt good about--I am immensely unhappy. The one thing I hear from any "professional" I deal with is that I just have to get out and do stuff. I am busier than most of the people I know. Not overly so, but I have my hands in a lot of things. But the whole thing morphed into this general apathy, about everything. Well, everything except my cats. Even the businesses, which I was initally very excited about and which focus on the important things in life to me: animals and writing.
I started a thread here some time ago about what you would do if there were no constraints, financial and otherwise. I have two scenarios in my head: either open a state-of-the-art animal sanctuary or buy a house and a lot of wooded land. The latter is more appealing to me now, as I'm really struggling with people and tons of responsibility. I have this fantasy of having the house and woods, builiding two small guest houses to rent out (maybe one a writer's retreat for writers who just want to get away for awhile), and spending the rest of my life just writing, making my cats happy (there's a sizable catio in that fantasy :-), maybe fostering cats or dogs (or just having more, and finishing the writing/research projects I've started.
I think one of my biggest issues is having to be around and responsible to people. I've never much cared for groups, and always had just a few close friends. Now, I really don't have any close friends (all mine died over the last several years) and I don't make them easily. I'm feeling old (61), which is also a new feeling (and, in part, due to some physical issues I'm having), and struggle with feeling any purpose (and sometimes just want to get it all over with). I have also become VERY disenchanted with society just generally, and all of the institutions it has created. Oh, and I'm very easily overwhelmed by things that go wrong in all of those interactions. But that's for another thread.
Anyway, this ended up being longer than I intended. Thanks if you got this far! I mostly just wanted to put this out there for support and to see if anyone feels the same and/or has any suggestions.