Junebug,
I hate to say this but I would describe your sisters behaviour as emotionally and verbally abusive. The good that someone does or the skills they have do not somehow delete or excuse bad behaviour. I believe that thinking in this way is one of the main things that keeps us trapped in damaging situations. It can be very hard to break the habit when we have been brought up being made responsible for others feelings, behaviour etc as children.
Dear Abstract- and I hope the Moderators will forgive me in advance for quoting so much of your post, though not all of it- as it so hits the mark, that is exactly how it is, how in many ways I feel and think about it, and I feel what is realistically necessary.
Thank you everyone for your support and words of wisdom! As you said Abstract, it is very damaging, I know it is. And I must learn how to support without enabling. Even in the worst times, we give ourselves 'pernission' in essence to do things to others (or not). And I must say, whether it be by my own changes or a miracle or both, the physical abuse that came up subsided, and though the threats can be wicked and graphic (and that's unacceptable too), it's still a vast improvement.
The verbal stuff has been very damaging.
I know it has so many of the earmarks of abuse, it took me a long time to call it that word. It's worst with the drinking, but you are right, even finding space in the house helps a lot. I asked my sponsor that once, if it was avoidance, he said no, just reality (safety).
And the absence of that stuff is so nice! I don't even find my thoughts drifting towards negatives.
No, re: catching on fire (ha, was almost a roasted 'shrimp'), this is a different sister, the other was the eldest (12 years older than me, the next is 10 years older). Stuff like that happened a lot. For 2 months the same one left me at the beach (3 of us lived there for work purposes, I was 5/6, but oddly I managed entirely on my own well. Except I got severly sunburned. I never ever thought of saying anything. )The 2 eldest acted like jerks (not the word I'd use), after many years of struggling to overcome it I accepted it was very toxic, despite every effort it seemed they were of the sole mindset only 'I' (or everyone else) has a problem, never them, and so I carried on, 1200 miles between us helped. Though I mourn the loss and it is acutely painful to be reminded that I don't have a family, the pain is no longer the same. Because toxic so describes it and given the opportunity the same secrets, lies, blame and resentments they bring forward to this day. They just add new ones.
This sister and I were very close, she used to in fact say she thought I was born specifically 'for' her, that is because I was so sweet and we got along so well. She was the one who was responsible, including watching out for me as a child if she was there, and helping my mom (and myself) after my dad died, the other 2 not at all. In fact, quite the opposite. They treated her as they did me. She always acted like the eldest.
But I understand things change, we all change. Why I hang in there, is something a bit beyond me, or words to explain it. In my mind, I would say I know she is a good person, I trust that AlAnon/ AA is telling the truth when they say there is unbearable guilt, I know how I was in my 'rage stage' with ptsd (I don't know if she has it also, she doesn't believe she or I or any 'non-Vet' could). Similarly, I think love is most necessary when least (so-called) 'deserved'. And being that we have no family left- except for the other 2 sisters who act like as*holes, I want to be the one person (if it even turns out to be the only person), who doesn't abandon her. We have also been through much of the same sufferings together. However*, that cannot equate to enabling or destroying me in the process, and that's where I have to learn better ways to deal with it. And not internalize all of it.
Yes, I have always felt responsible for others' feelings. And always tried to get peace. My mom said if she and my dad had a fight I would get between them, or distract them, even when I was less than two. Though I can't recall that.
And thank you, p-no and Abstract and all, because without your help I'd be at a loss. It helps so much. (Was going to go out and shovel- I still might- or wait til the morning
without guilt. :) ) I feel much better in general. Don't even totally care what I said (about myself)- so what. We sort of reconciled before she went out of town friday night. We need bigger stress cups, I fear. :(
I love the saying 'reality check' though! That's what I mean by advice. Thank you, xoxoxoxox.
And Abstract, you're right too- it seems to trigger her when I'm happy, or more assertive, or more at peace. And vulnerabilty does equate to emotional battery to follow for me, because it has.
The hard part about being kind, I think the majority of time I am, or gentle (which seems more like a defect or curse), is that (to me) to really be, that has to include the times it's most tempting not to be. I still work on it (probably as long as I live). But you have told me it's also necessary to face facts and do what I need to for emotional and physical etc health. And that that's ok too.
Thank you all so much, :hug:, love to you all.
PS, talk all you want need about your own specifics, eg the sisters, etc- I'm the OP so I can decide and I prefer it that way, please please do! :) Maybe this can help all of us! (I hope). Thanks from 'me', most of all. :inlove:
