Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

I think things like drinking, PTSD, SI etc, have a lot in common. Not only that ptsd can encompass all those things, but if you've had to go through any of them, there's an understanding that only someone else who's been through it usually also understands more implicitly, to most people they're baffling illnesses or disorders (at best), I've heard a lot of judgment and explanations (in 'real' life), many of which I haven't found personally to 'fit' (be accurate) at all, in my experience. It's not just tolerance (not that I mean it does good to tolerate abuse), but the understanding. I can't go back to a 'non-understanding' position, because I've 'been there'. That's how I feel, anyway.

Also, I've been forgiven a lot, without having sometimes to even explain (or beg to be), or when I didn't deserve it or ask for it. Or to be forgiven and not be pumped with questions or expectations when it was all I could do to tread water. And not condemned for saying about S(I), which I would expect most people to respond with, just because it is what it is and to many people unfathomable.

Not to mention the ptsd, which I still can't really understand how anyone can overlook that, or not give up on someone (especially struggling with it).

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,

Please feel free to correct me if I get it wrong. :)

Are you saying that you being there for your sister despite her behaviour is because she is hurt and you don't want to let her down? And because you have had others support or "forgive" you for your own stuff? Also do you mean that all her Jekyl and Hyde stuff comes with alcohol? Do you think she is an alcoholic?

I am so glad your mother out her foot down with your father and so glad he was able to pull himself together. It sounds like he was very different after that.

Also very sorry that your sisters were exposed to what must have come along with the alcohol abuse. I think every child have their own unique experience of childhood. Birth order can influence that and so many other things. Like having abusive sisters. And our natural sensitively.

I am glad you enjoyed your angel food cake and are feeling a bit more positive. :tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Abstract, on a lesser level, that's exactly what I mean.

On a deeper level, which is very hard for me to explain, my analogy would be like having ptsd. I think at some point in (that) journey, we might have pushed away everyone. And even forget ptsd, take someone others have little hope for, or who acts out (kid or adult). Sometimes, if there is one person who refuses to give up, or 'take the bait', sometimes, or perhaps at some level, it reaches them. I'm not expecting miracles here, but maybe it's just one scintilla of saying, "I love you". Period. As you are.

For example, I remember my dad saying about getting into trouble breaking some windows as a boy. The cop, you know what he did? He took him to a family whose dog had had puppies. He knew my dad's dad was dying, had been through over 30 cancer surgeries, he knew they had no money, he knew my dad's (favorite) baby brother had died, he knew his mom was dying of heart failure. He knew these things because it was a small town. But he was a very wise man, I think, to put it together and take that gamble.

You see, my sister and dad have also been the same in some ways. They've been in positions where they've risked their lives for strangers, and they've forgiven those who nearly took their lives without a hesitation. Not for their reputation, but in a deep seated way their core of who and how they are/ were. Always. Privately.

Also, it's hard to describe, when one doesn't have family left, nor spouses, children, and where the likelihood in your family is not that you'll make it much past 50 (if not 30), perspective changes too.

I know however, none of it condones abuse. I thought today, everyone should hope for (or expect) the basics of being treated as a human being.

I also heard in church today of all places, that God doesn't want people to give all that they have, and leave themselves with no security for the future, for the sake of fitting in, or thinking that is what is necessary to be 'human', or in an attempt to try to create a solution. I'm sure my suggestion was in some ways that. (Not surprisingly, her bf thought it was a good idea, in some ways he had the most to gain). But then again.. different when one does not have the likelihood or type of future many of us in these 1st world countries, anyway, have. Or those have with family, spouses, children. At least at some level. But conversely, he also said that real help or support is when people stand with, and through things for each other. But some of us don't have that.

If anything, I sometimes wonder what is wrong with myself: are my expectations too high? Do I hold people to a standard I myself don't achieve? Am I not thankful enough? I seem to see or feel such outright disparity between what I hear and what I experience. My eldest sisters say 'we're always here for you', but continue the same pattern of secrets, resentments, self, untruths, moods changing like the wind. I haven't seem one of them twice in 20 + years, the other almost the same. That doesn't feel like 'family', to me. My priest says 'give a voice to the voiceless', and though I'm extremely grateful for all his past help, he never even answers if I e-mail a question. That makes me feel like I've got less of a voice than ever. Dear friends I have, from many years, say we are as family, but years can go by and we don't communicate. Let's be frank- spouses, kids etc, there's no time or reality for that. My sister here, for all the difficulty, has actually through actions cared mored about my needs or welfare than anyone else has, no one else does. Yet I know, as ALAnon says, then you love someone you can't trust.

So the ones who offer the most, it is just words, at best not realistic. The one I can trust, the actions are the opposite, and they say to rely on the actions. The one I can't trust still cares or has actions that reflect it, when others don't. And then they say, God will help by providing people to help, yikes not my experience (this forum excluded). Needless to say I am very confused. :( :confused: It's just a mish mash. Then I feel like I should cut it all out of my life, if at its core its worth nothing, and means nothing. Perhaps that's why at times I feel like that. Perhaps it's correct to do that. Perhaps anything less is denying my own feelings (or even basic common sense and observations). Or perhaps it's just 'me'. Gosh, who knows. :(

I'm sorry for the rambling. Maybe I'm just tired.

I sure know one thing, I'm no writer! :rolleyes: :)


(((((Hugs, xox)))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Am not sure if it's important, but something occurred to me today.

I vehemently despise the kind of venting (me) like the posts before.

No matter what, I can't control anyone else, and don't want to. I hope for my sister, that she can heal, I can do things that don't enable etc (hopefully), but not much else. Love her, I guess. Have a game plan if I have to avoid something, if boundaries can't be respected.

It occurred to me today, like someone said earlier about my dad, he did the best he could with what he knew. Gosh knows no small wonder watching his dad he didn't run to Dr's, for example. (He wasn't an 'angry drunk' at home, btw).

But anyway, was thinking maybe I've been living in some non-existent past. I don't mean my past, but a whole sort of day and age that doesn't even exist. (Perhaps more my parent's time than my own?) What I brought up with my sister was potentionally a vocational/ occupational change/ idea, just to talk about it. (Not a new idea). But things are what they are, I am how I am (ptsd included), some things don't work out, aren't meant to be.

I am old- 43, not looking to accomplish 'dreams', or have kids or build a family or frankly even get married. When I think of courses at work, they talk about the Top Stress Relievers as sex, drinking, exercise- I think were top 3. Anyway, being Catholic I haven't been sleeping with anyone, rarely drink because of the SI, either, but met a guy after Church yesterday, shoveling of all places, no reason if he was interested I couldn't go out with him. Don't know 'why' he was interested, looking as I do right now, etc. But anyway, he was the one who initiated it. And I guess it got me thinking, well, why not. Part of why I don't 'fit' in this world, as it were, is just because I don't have family, am single, not in a career that is my focus, not looking 'for' anything in particular. So maybe it's time to just 'be', I can't change the work environment right now but there's no reason (other than myself) I can't have relationships (and stress relief) even if I'm not looking for any long term commitment. (I don't mean sleeping with everyone, just the 'norm'). And I don't want 'relationships', either, in so far as my heart couldn't take that, or trust and all that. And no one has to know my past (or present), or about ptsd. I don't have any need for telling anyone, let alone a stranger, or trust. I have looked to going to Church for strength, but maybe this religion (the man made part?) is just not for me, (or any single people). I can't imagine God excluding people for stress relief, or not fitting what the church's mold is. After all, I'm not cheating on anyone, either. But I will have to stop going to church, because I would be hypocritical, if it was somerthing I can choose to do (or not). According to them. So maybe though I thought it brought me strength, maybe I'm supposed to rearrange my life and look for other paths?

Anyway, lots of words, but all I mean is, maybe just best to 'turn in and tune out' overthinking, caring, trying to 'solve' or change anything, even stop the whining of these posts. Not that I'm saying I'm going to intend on going out and getting drunk every night, and sleeping with everyone. I'm not out to hurt anyone, either, but I might as well just live like everyone else does, reducing stress too. I don't think a God would intend me to feel like that, or anyone, or things and options would also be different.

The good part of the downside is for the first time in my life I'm not responsible for anyone else. I've buried my parents, I've been through that already, have no relatives left to worry about their increased needs in aging, or their safety, etc, and I am single with no kids, or even immediate family, mostly. And I care for others' family's every day I work, anyway.

Seems like basic logic, really. Only one stopping myself has been me.

I mean, I don't care that I really don't have anyone around to care for me, nor children etc to live for, or family left. I couldn't make choices just for the sake of any of those things, so seems like it was meant to be.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,

Just sending you some comfort. :) Shall come back when brain starts working again.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Abstarct, you are very kind. It's ok, just an aimless post, for an aimless life.

Guess I'm thinking if it's aimless anyway, might as well make it more so! But no one's fault but mine for that. "Whine and cheese".

Not sure where a purpose comes from. Maybe in some sick way, I tell myself existing helps my sister, maybe it's subconscious. But I doubt it. Though I'm aware that there would be (initially) some grief for her if I didn't exist.

I do know, whatever I ever have or will choose is my responsibility, or my fault, or whatever one may call it. I actually made a lifetime of decisions on my own with different reasons than most would think of or know.

But hey, (((((Hugs)))) for you, eh. :hug:

 

[Abstract]

:hug: Not pointless at all Junebug. Discussing things is important as that is how we work through them. So it is great that you are brave enough to share.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Abstract, anyway.

Wouldn't have had it even come to my mind, I think, just noticed he was a very good looking guy. Just matter of fact, no different if I would think that woman is beautiful or man is handsome. He was happy, easy-going. His effort, not mine. I don't know, nothing to discuss, doesn't matter. Don't fit anywhere. Just easier to turn everything off. I think I was born an :alien:.

 

[Tinyflame]

Forgot, thanks but not brave at all, just silly.

I think my only recourse is to keep what I think to myself, and follow the cues and my own knowledge of what's expected of me, or what's expected I won't say. I can always think one thing in my head, no matter what others think I think.

I also think it's hard for me, not only to be disappointed (my fault if I feel hope or an expecation- that's always to be avoided).

Equally so, I feel badly if others fail me, or should I say, are put in a position to fail me, they may be unable, unwilling, unprepared, dreading. I can think, perhaps they haven't, maybe it's unfair of me. Which makes me in the wrong. But the feeling- the knowledge of mistrust is there. I've set my self up for failure, perhaps confirming what I already think (or know). I can ignore it, but I'm reminded of it, even despite myself, by their presence or any reference or them pretending it wasn't said, too. Or, if I am not being too harsh, that anyone would feel that way, or feel the same themselves if the situation was reversed, then I've set them up so to speak, to fall short, or react, or even to be put in a position they dread or can't handle without attacking me. Or even it means nothing to them, but I lose more trust. And feel foolish. Or dread to have to be around them. And bad at myself for thinking (feeling) it. In good conscience, for everyone's sakes, it's best to walk away when I can and keep it to myself when I can't.

 

[Tinyflame]

Just understanding I have a right to feel it, a right to choose whatever myself, a right not to make others feel badly, but not a right to express it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I wish (albeit wistfully and without expectation), this craziness or 'crazy making' as gizmo would call it would stop. Came home last night to some damage between sister and bf. Relatively minor, I guess, food in the sink, chunk out of a window frame, them on the 'outs'. Funny how one can be spared the experience (this time) but fill in pieces, and feel it all day, somehow. Bit surreal.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hey, I think I've unintentionally had a big lightbulb regarding shame, and triggers, and all the rest. If anyone reads it I appreciate it, but don't if it's triggering. For the same reason, and shame, I'm not going to make a thread despite the fact I hope and pray for feedback, if this is on the right track(?)

Not sure why, but every time there is stress I have certain physical symptoms. Those symptoms, and that thread of "Do you think of your S attempt?" (which is no, beyond the fact of it and 'how'- the knowledge of the details), reminded me, or I should say triggered me, in to remembering those details, how it physically felt, what happened, what I did, having to hide it after (I passed out and came to), the physical pain etc.

Anyway, beyond the shame of S in general, I was thinking of what I am most ashamed in the past I've done. Not everything, but big things I would consider 'nuts' (like S). And 'unshareable', of course. Anyways, they all were mostly just (almost creative-bad word, but only one I could think of), ways to get out of unbearable stress, pain, sorrow and grief. The reason they had 'details' is almost like the thread of "Why not to (S)"- ie trying to 'plan' in adavnce how to avoid someone finding you, etc etc etc. Hope that makes sense. Again anyways-just mean that for info- what I mean is, it wasn't as 'nuts' as thoroughly desperate. I know people say they'd rather 'die' than ask for help, but in my case it was true (literally). And I had tried to ask, but didn't get any. Same way now I figure- I mean the same feeling (and therefore shame, hopelessness, self-blame etc).

Maybe those things don't deserve or 'require' the same amount of (self) shame, as they do seeing them in the light that they were, the background, the perceived options, the attempts at getting help that failed. And mostly I felt it was only up to me to come up with a solution, others had their own sorrow (at that time), etc. And that was all I could eventually come up with.

It was, or is, related to the context. Putting the choices then into the context then; recognizing some of the feelings now go back to remembering or self-blaming without giving weight to the context those past choices were made in.

Hope that makes sense.

A lot of what I chose or did was out of fear, and how I felt.

And I had no concept or knowledge whatsoever of trauma or ptsd, of course.