I just wonder, perhaps life does not become, nor need to become, hopelessly unbearable due to the blanket of inevitable ptsd intrusions. I mean, triggers and the fall-out are inevtiable, sometimes. Like this situation.
That is different, however, than equating it to sucking-(me)-down-into-the-pit-black-tar-quicksand, which is how I feel about ptsd at times like these.
However, I was not the initiator. Perhaps with or without strong boundaries it still could happen. But most of all, I think I've learned, just as bad people (treatment) or experiences occur but that doesn't mean everyone or even most people are untrustworthy, trustworthy experiences with some people doesn't make it accurate to let one's guard down that much, or pehaps across-the-board. Not really very good at describing it, cannot find the words, but what I mean is, what I noticed was everyone felt 'creepy' afterwards. Even strangers, so many smiled at me today and right away I felt hyper-vigilant and uncomfortable. Or maybe I should say, non-strangers, too. And at one point, I was in a position they asked for 'volunteers'- OMG I could have ran. I know that's (all) just because of this, trigger(s), not feeling well.
But I woke up thinking, well, things could be a lot worse, I don't mean in regards to this, just reminded of one detail for example that could be horrific but is manageable, that is could be a crisis and a death etc, but today, this moment, isn't. I don't want to speak too soon, not because of 'magical thinking' but simply knowing it *can* happen, or (and) it's happened in the past. Anyway, I just mean, it isn't. That, and many other things, are cause to celebrate. In fact, prior to this happening, I was thinking thank God it's so much 'easier' to try to quit smoking these last few days- easier schedule, supervisor was in good mood (I'm not carrying some fear through the weekend), and I'm off til monday. This- well this is just 'this'. Yes, it's ptsd (or past experience) exascerbated, and boy- the inclination is to want to wish I could disappear or wish this whole life was over. But why, in that it's just someone else's actions. And that's what I mean, too, thankfully, I know people who don't act like he did, so not only would I rather concentrate on 99 positives versus one negative. But also, because they are different, I can't assume others are all therefore different, ie trustworthy.
I realize, too, it started at Christmas. I thought Christmas was difficult, it was that. That was when I should have understood the boundaries (mine) were getting squashed. It was by inches, not miles, but I think it was intentional on his part. Because he's still doing it even now, and it was from then on I went against my better judgment.
I think that's part of my trust problem(s): I seem to have some idea that 'trust' is something one either has to apply to all, or apply to no one. Instead of recognizing who I can, or who I just can't. Because it's earned- individually.
And also, as regards worry in advance, my (decent) friend said "don't worry", as regards awaiting the outcome of something I asked him to size up. It didn't mean the outcome would be good (necessarily), but not to worry what the outcome would be. Maybe just "not to worry", like he said.
I DO worry about standing up for myself. Though I don't regret it.
And it's not all self-sabotage, these things make me (physically) sick now, sometimes violently I hate to admit, and then that sabotages what I have planned.
