Dear GF, I hope you are going easy on yourself. I find no matter the harder I tried, the worse it got. Some things take time. And like you said, STABILITY, STABILITY, STABILITY, first. :hug:
Dear Abstract, oh gosh thank you. I must come back as have to get a birthday cake in the oven- one of the better-than-sex series, ha, if it dive bombs I'll be off to the store tomorrow for a cheescake, my back-up plan. :)
I hope you are well, such strange days have passed. Had horrible argument, then discussion that left me in some ways more scared and feeling worse. Hurt feelings and rage (not my own but directed to me), go far back with seemingly no way to be forgiven. Yet my recall is of the 'horror' parts; that being said however, for what I legitimately did wrong, perhaps I deserve them.
However, despite that, even though I can see for myself it brings me so down it renders me incapable of any normal self-care and barely an ability to accomplish what I need to- actually totally utterly feeling that nothing matters and suicidal- better if I didn't exist, I am able to be at a little better place than those days.
Off the subject, I heard today to be thankful for how good it is that 'we' (ourselves and those we love) are alive, today, right now. Not only to make ammends or change what needs to be, but the real fact of it. In essence, to let that feeling, that reality and all its implications, sink in. That reminded me of how close it was I know I wasn't.
But the one thing I did think, which is perhaps positive, although I learned early to try to say what I meant, etc, that is, not take others' presence (or being alive) for granted, and not to leave things unresolved etc, yikes, I hope you know what I mean. Well, I think battling (and I do use that term) the inclination to end my life in the past, gave me the 'need' to say some of what I had to. In the sense that, not as a reason and then change my mind about the plans to do myself in, but if I couldn't overcome it then it was all the more reason to try to live with a heart wide open. A little similar perhaps to how one feels when they survive a bad prognosis for an illness, but with sadness and gratitude, instead of the joy. However, the key I think partially being giving myself 'permission' to thus be true to myself in some ways (and yet because it did not feel possible to sustain hence the only option left as not remaining 'here', ie did not 'dislodge' the suicidal plans. Though hey, I'm still 'here'. ) But there's something people don't realize with such plans, too, it's hard to have to say "good-byes". To the average rational person, it seems like the choice is one's own, but some times it seems it really isn't, it's done-you-in, so to speak.
But what I'm wondering is, if that could be part of the basis those types of thoughts? To be true to one's self, in a way? To cut through the BS and transitory unimportant things or resentments etc etc most people cling to so tightly. Hope that makes sense.
Also, however, one has to be 'alive' to love others, too, or share anything together. A basic pre-requisite. And that we can forget the destination is the end of the journey, everything else 'is' the journey.
Yes, in the meantime, as per the guy at work, not sure if I'm zooming out a bit- it certainly feels like it for certain, when I see him or have to talk to him. But I try to think only of what he did kindly initially, and combine that with firm boundaries. The zooming out is decreasing a bit, it doesn't feel 'surreal' anymore at least.
My other sisters, too, I wish I hadn't lost the time with them, or could reconcile in so far that they/ me (who knows) might not live much longer. (They are not ill that I know of but have been and that's most of my family's genetics).
(((((((Sweet sweet Abstract)))))))), will come back for the other- wish me luck with the cake! Hope it's not :arghh; , lol. Truly thank you, oh no OMG I need all the help I can on this journey, yikes. :rolleyes: :) :hug:
