Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Mercy]

I guess that's it, I abhor my own whining, beyond feeling what I can't bear, voice in my head (or heart) says "get better or get lost. Good riddance to bad rubbage, rock around others' neck this way".

Dearest Junebug,
I hear you. Self-loathing runs deep and seems to chain us to despair. I learned that the names and words in my head originally came from somewhere else, from my family and my abusers and I believed them as any child would. So I taught myself not to talk to myself in a derogatory way. Not even say 'stupid' because those hurtful words were lies. All lies. It took a few years, but life is much better now that I am actively fighting against the lies. I can go for days without calling myself names.

Not sure how one can work on self-esteem, when it's hard to feel entitled to be breathing.

You are not alone. I used to think I was not entitled to the space I took up in a room or to the air that I breathed.

But it's a life sentence- never freedom.

This hit me hard. You are so right. I feel this a lot. My mind is permanently branded with multiple traumas. Flashbacks are not under anyone's control because the brain goes into full biochemical production of chemicals for fight , flight or freeze before our thinking brains even notice something wrong(resent research on PET scans in Grt. Britian) I struggle with the 'life sentence' too. It is so so sad but you are right. ((((((((hugs and gentle breezes))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Mercy, yes but I didn't mean to discourage you. Think of what you give to the world- beautiful art, you have your H, you give so so very much here! Though I agree, the list of positives from this seems much shorter than the list of negatives. I learned today I disqualify from something others take for granted. But, I'm not surprised, just changes things, not capable of more so there isn't a choice. Changes everything that I thought applied though, but it doesn't. How often we find so many places we don't belong!

(((((((Dear Mercy)))))) :inlove: .

 

[Tinyflame]

You know what, it came to me all I can do, or should do, or helps to do, is to think of what I can do, instead of what I can't, to not concentrate or even think of (as far as is possible), what I beat myself up for. Just think of what has been managed. I think that might be the difference between gratitude (which is right), but also not to think of the fears of the future.

Because sometimes I think ptsd (for me), is like fear of a specific person (which occurs on occassion- rightfully or rationally so, from past experience(s) ). But the terror of ptsd, for me is like it itself is personified, sometimes. Fear of what I've become, or that I am losing more of in terms of my abilities or capabilities, or who I expect to be, or maybe think I need to be, or what (bad) will happen in the future. Instead of thinking of what I have done that is anti-ptsd, even if perhaps it's small. I mean, to not fear so much the future, simply by concentrating only or specifically on what is positive or anti-ptsd, in the present or past.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,

I think there are many things we can do that can make our lives more manageable and make us more likely to have good moments and better relationships. Those things can change.

So yes I think you are right. Maybe isn't so much about positive thinking and pretending that the difficult things are not there but rather is about training our brains to go into different more helpful patterns. To maybe look at our beliefs and try to ourselves back when we get caught up in unhelpful ones.

That doesn't mean we pretend the bad stuff isnt there but rather that we acknowledge it and then try to work against it rather than just spiralling around again and again in the same old thinking patterns.

There is a lot of help available with all these things.

And I think if we can start to feel differently about us and the world in general and manage relationships better then it is easier to manage things such as flashbacks and panic attacks. Just my thoughts!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, yes, I agree that is definitely likely the case.

You were right, yes I guess at it's core it does (did) have a lot to do with my sister, as per throwing in the towel.

You know Abstract, not sure how much I will ever be able to accomplish as you've said above, but think I've kind of realized something. I've often heard as per the 'inner child', or re-parenting ourselves, or 'pull out the crayons'. I can't grasp that stuff. Nor have I ever been entirely able to grasp 'sitting with' horrendous memories or feelings. But, I've always wondered, why do I feel better, when I feel 'child-like' (not childish). Or vice-versa perhaps. I think just now something I realize, as a child I *wasn't*, or couldn't be, or chose not to be, as I was aware no one needed a dependent child, at the time. So my childhood was adult, that is at least, my responses- what I equate to a child was like- was not asking for help, not telling, handling it myself. My guard up. Always. I knew how to do that at 4 or 5. To be entirely self-sufficient. To never show fear, and never ever to cry. Even trauma, fear, worry, so much sorrow, was at those ages. But now, I do not relate as a child, but feel better (or best) as an adult who can do at times what I couldn't as a child: ask for help, let my guard down, etc. Hence too, why it's so difficult to hope- hope was childish. And yet, as an adult, I ended up so beaten down, such a combination that I was left no longer able to fight for myself, even life itself, defend myself, have a voice. Stripped. But, this is part of (my) life. Just that, that vulnerability- which is adult as I could not have that as a child, well allowing myself to be 'ok' about it, is something I never knew how to deal with.

So, in a way I'll never pull out the crayons (not that there's anything wrong with that), but I can pull out the paints and paint with the colors the same. Does that make sense? In being (and in so many ways I've had no choice), or 'feeling' child-like, it is not only natural for me but also the antithesis of acting childish- my childishness (or childhood) didn't allow for that. It's acting like the typical 'adult'- "don't talk", "don't tell", "don't ask for help", etc, are actually more characteristic of my 'child' acting out, than who I am today, or my 'adult' self. My most free, happiest 'adult' is child-like. Not childish, I bring forward a lifetime of adult happenings and sorrows, knowledge or experiences I'm acutely aware of, or accept. But more like acceptance, and no need to fight (against that). Because being child-like, or even being 'stuck' being vulnerable, or 'stripped', is actually very much who I just 'am', as my adult or true self, at least at this point in my life. There's a huge relief in that.

Sweet Abstract, :hug: .

 

[Abstract]

Dear Junebug,

Having to parent our parents or be an adult all the time when we are young is so damaging. I also could not ask for help and learning how now as an adult is hard. It is so wonderful that you are breaking that down and talking and asking for help. :) I am so sorry you were not protected as a child like every child should be.

You talking about child and adult made me think of transactional analysis. Something I found quite useful just to know as a concept. Your poor brain may be too tired to read but there are youtube talks on it.

Controlling parent is very much what we do to ourselves. Bullying ourselves and running ourselves down. Also for a lot of us the nurturing parent is something we have had to do and stay in as a child. Where we have not been allowed to be a child and rather have had to look after other people all the time.

Child state can also be where we injure ourselves and where we feel despair and like the world is unfair. Where we wait for others to help us without asking for help and when get stuck in awful feelings without doing anything to change it.

An example of a transaction is where someone is critical and harsh to us and we react by thinking we are to blame and being vulnerable. That would be an adult - child transaction.

You might not find it helpful but I did! ::notworthy:

[DLMURL]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaxJEjMpGDs[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58F2qYyAzME[/DLMURL]

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh dear Abstract, something happened- I have a big block of white space (2) on your post, but the links are at the bottom. Will check but must add one gallon of coffee and wait til I'm off tonight.

Well, I'm not entirely sure, it's not 'childish' Abstract, if that makes sense. Perhaps better represented for a lack of need for what some 'adults' do- I just have no need for what defines that, or is associated, the games, competition, envy, that sort of thing. But instead a freedom to relax or enjoy just beautiful things. Perhaps to me, more defined as "childlike trust". But not a parent-chld thing, definitely no expectation (at least that I'm aware of), that I'm waiting for help. Not sure what it is, but more a 'safe' feeling associated with it. Or maybe a true-to-myself feeling. I think not just a product of childhood but an entire lifetime weighed, if that makes sense.

In a sense, I wasn't treated as in parenting my parents, but on some levels an equal. Which a child isn't, but in another way, well not sure but it was all mostly of my choosing. I can't say I look to replicate the interactions, or the relationships. More so to try to trust, when appropriate (which is a big statement). 'Childlike' as in an absence of what drives or defines some, yet what brings comfort to me others don't feel, or the kind they have need for or want (they don't). Not sure, not defined, really, but it's not a negative (for myself). Definitely a sense of a bigger picture, or understanding (though that's really not the word for what I don't understand). Perhaps it's as simple as not having to keep up pretenses or defenses, at a certain level, that freedom or safety. Being able to relax, or be able to trust things can be ok, in the moment even (a Big Deal with ptsd). Or maybe just being myself, myself (all things considered) being that way. I mean, if one is gentle, or inclined so, or doesn't have the means or energy to fight or defend or such, when I don't have to and yet it's still ok. It's peaceful, albeit not self-protecting with all people. But, I don't think it's equated (just) to children, if one's character is inclined that way it's just that, just seems children can be inclined that way (too). Even not understandable by most people- including me, don't really have words. :rolleyes:

Sweet Abstract, here's another :) :hug: .

 

[Abstract]

Oh dear Junebug! The comments I made about parents and child states were directly related to the video links I linked to and not to your post! They are unrelated to what you were discussing really and it was just the terms you used that jogged my memory. Not sure why they did not load for you.

It seems only the last ones are visible for you.

Please feel free to ignore all that info. I just put it out in case it was of help.

Youtube:
An introduction to transactional analysis (part one) Eric Berne.
Lynne Forest Victim Consciousness Defined (and then two more f her videos).

And then there were 2 more that follow on from the first video.

I am glad you found a lovely peaceful state of mind and view of the world. :)

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Junebug,

You do not sound whiney or like you are venting! You are brave to reach out for help. I am new to this forum but not to anxiety and PTSD. I know you must be an amazing person by the outpouring of love and care on this forum.

I hope that you are able to take a break and perhaps redirect your life, it sounds like you are having a bad patch in a job you do not enjoy at all anymore. I've felt that burn out and it literally is exhausting. You give so much of yourself, there is nothing left for yourself! There was a time when I wondered what indeed my idenity was outside of work. Even if you could find a position at another hospital and slowly transition into a field, it sounds like it maybe give you the hope to move forward.

With SI, it seems like the easiest solution sometimes... however I find when we are tired our stressors get triggered very easily and we manage to get fooled that we cannot change our life or cope with a problem. This is negative self talk, you have resources within you that can move mountains. I am overwhelmmed by how many people you have helped alone! The stuff we have been challenged with in our own minds is bigger than anything in reality.

What will it take for you to turn this corner? Is there something, anything you can do, that will bring your relief. When I get at this point it is so hard to take steps out of this mindset. Perhaps walking the dog, getting fresh air... it's the little things I find that help sometimes. The mindset alone is paralyzing.

My heart goes out for you and I send support and a big hug your way!

 

[littlelostchild]

Junebug and Abstract - thank you so much for having this open conversation. Junebug - many of your comments resonate and Abstract you have such a way of providing supportive ideas. Thank you both.

Hugs to you all! I was having SI last Sunday and we have been strategic about keeping the house clear of anything harmful and I have distractions, but I really do need to have a mind shift. But it has been a lifetime of negative self-talk. How do you make it better? Does it get better?

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh my God, typed-away and seems it's all disappeared. :(

I'm sorry, I'm just so tired, I hope this makes sense.

Sweetest Abstract, you know- thank you always, I always appreciate every ounce of the kindness you've given and suggestions. Big :hug: :inlove: .

LhasaLover, how kind. I think that the love and care people have given here is a testimony to the fact that THEY are really amazing. Yes, I have been too fortunate :notworthy: , :hug:.

I so relate to so much you've said, and feel you are correct. It's not the people (at work), I love them, not even the work. Just the exhaustion. For most of my life the thought of not working directly with people was unacceptable, and undesirrable. Now I've come around to the point I wish I could escape at least some of the fray.

That's right about activities, distractions. Perhaps too we have been required to be climbing so many mountains, we just get tired, why it seems so. And you are so right, what does help (me/ us), to turn the corner? Very wise statement, very true and accurate, I think.

Thank you for your beautiful post- wow. And the hugs and support, back to you also ((((((Dear LL :inlove: ))))))).

Dear littlelostchild, not sure 'how' or 'why' the ideation began for me (specifically), well yes I do know what set it off. Though you bring up a very good point about the negative thinking, I suspect that is a process of hard work, time, practise, but I don't think it's the only factor (oddly enough) to get rid of the ideation, since I have been (primarily) so blessed, but cannot say it's based on getting rid of negative self talk, or more specifically thoughts of burdensomeness or what-have-you. I can only say, or would have said, perhaps, that you have to tell someone. I think that broke 2+ years of what was nearly constant and really unmanageable. Perhaps though, it was because revealing it I wasn't treated badly like I've treated myself. That is, there wasn't the condemnation, etc. Well, that and it was pretty miraculous it finally stopped, though that's been sort of a process, too.

(((((((Dear littlelostchild)))))) . I think if I could recommend something it would be that, you have to say it. But also not to 'expect' an immediate 'cure' of it, either. Because there's shame in saying it, too. And the unknown, fear of it. I mean the fear of saying it. And the consequences.

Strange tonight, it came to me something like, 'there ARE happy/ good/ can (would) be wonderful times ahead, but.. well, not for you (me).. if .." (and I 'thought', "if I keep smoking- in other words I'll be dead".) And I 'heard "exactly". Well, needless to say, I know my mind wanders (A LOT, :rolleyes: ), but I wouldn't be one to have the first part come to me, and actually, it didn't come as 'hopeful', but kind of just 'factual'. (Though, -wow. ) Mind you, I know my mom 'heard' "stop smoking or die", and she did quit that moment, virtually. But, gosh knows, I really don't think I know how to quit, have tried. Think the worst (beyond the addiction) is smoking for me is grounding. But, I haven't for a little while now, a week or 2 ('touch wood', ie my head :) ), felt like I'm driven to do it to finish myself off. So, that's a bit of progress, don't even know why. However, I feel hopeless about it. However, compared to other happenings that is sort of nothing like how difficult the ideation was to make it through. So (and) needless to say, how ironic.

I think though, unrelated, someone (or many) said something about getting depleted, and like you said LL about figuring out what is important, what is necessary or simply a 'requirement' to turn the corner, I think that's so critical, really.

Hey, -love these birds! :)

Love and hugs to all, xoxox.

 

[LhasaLover]

Hi Junebug,

I'm so happy to see your response and just so happy that I could help even in a little way!! I related so much to your post. You worry about work, finances and there's no work/life balance! You become full of defeated energy instead of good energy. That's why I do my small things, hang with dogs, yoga... creative outlets like photography (bring a small camera with me everywhere). I've been worked to the bone and then rewarded for my service, despite winning awards, by being layed off! At some point you just have to say to heck with it and find some kind of balance and what helps you turn that corner when you are feeling up against the wall.

I got really burnt out after being a caretaker and sole financial supporter to my mother (a nightmare in real life) and working a very demanding job. I am similarly in the same position as my therapist works with me to figure out what is it that's going to pull me through this transition. Our ideas get us started, we may change or refine them, but it's all progress. My therapist has even pointed out I am a creative person and that my long term goal may be writing or something else which would require my own business. All these things help me immediately and give me hope. In addition, when I have had enough, I don't feel guilty taking off and getting a change of scenery, working with dogs, whatever it is that inspires and grounds me.

Burn out is the worst feeling in the world, but taking control and steps forward is one way to get around the bend! When you are tired, your mind plays tricks on you and your body changes. I personally get really negative, depressed, easily triggered and clumsy.

I'm rooting for you Junebug, looking forward to updates... Good or bad or mixed... it's all progress and we are here for you!!!!