Just wondering. Out of everything I have been through, my daughters birth and the events leading up to and surrounding her birth, are the worst for me. My mothers suicide just before, death of a family friend that I was blamed for the night I went into the hospital, knowing I had a living and dead child inside of me while hospitalized as they did everything to keep me from delivering to give my still living child on extra day...
The waiting, the believing I had lost both of them. The cruelty of the hospital to stick me in with a happy family to share a room with while the hospital staff knew I had not one visitor the 9 days prior I was there, and had lost one child and probably another. The knowledge that one of my other children was hospitalized as well. The whole time trying to convince the Dr.s I had not been abused due to fear, when my ex was responsible for all of it, except for my mothers death, but I was still being given hell for that because I couldn't shed a tear at the funeral.
The thing was, no one cared. I had no support in anyway shape or form, I went through hell but I was supposed to be the emotional rock for everyone else over the loss of the family friend that I got blamed for because I wouldn't let another man spend the night when my husband wasn't home. So, I caused him to fall asleep at the wheel, according to his mother and my husband. Was I really to blame though, my rational brain say no, but my water broke at the same exact time he died. Strange coincidence? Or something else. I am not a very spiritual person or one to normally believe in those types of connections but how to you explain that?
Anyways, it is funny what you focus on when you have experienced other loss. If I hadn't lost my ferret today I probably would never have been able to post this. I have tried so hard to get this out. It has been like a war inside of me, needed to come out but being blocked by something. I don't know, my head is so screwed up.
Maybe it is more than just PTSD and I am just plain nuts. I don't know. I just know that I am tired. Tired of fighting to go on. Really. I feel like I am just waiting for my real life to begin, because I refuse to believe that everything I have experienced up to this very moment is life and living life. Life is supposed to be generally good with a few moments of bad sprinkled in to make us stronger and better people, not mostly bad with only a few moments of good sprinkled in.
The waiting, the believing I had lost both of them. The cruelty of the hospital to stick me in with a happy family to share a room with while the hospital staff knew I had not one visitor the 9 days prior I was there, and had lost one child and probably another. The knowledge that one of my other children was hospitalized as well. The whole time trying to convince the Dr.s I had not been abused due to fear, when my ex was responsible for all of it, except for my mothers death, but I was still being given hell for that because I couldn't shed a tear at the funeral.
The thing was, no one cared. I had no support in anyway shape or form, I went through hell but I was supposed to be the emotional rock for everyone else over the loss of the family friend that I got blamed for because I wouldn't let another man spend the night when my husband wasn't home. So, I caused him to fall asleep at the wheel, according to his mother and my husband. Was I really to blame though, my rational brain say no, but my water broke at the same exact time he died. Strange coincidence? Or something else. I am not a very spiritual person or one to normally believe in those types of connections but how to you explain that?
Anyways, it is funny what you focus on when you have experienced other loss. If I hadn't lost my ferret today I probably would never have been able to post this. I have tried so hard to get this out. It has been like a war inside of me, needed to come out but being blocked by something. I don't know, my head is so screwed up.
Maybe it is more than just PTSD and I am just plain nuts. I don't know. I just know that I am tired. Tired of fighting to go on. Really. I feel like I am just waiting for my real life to begin, because I refuse to believe that everything I have experienced up to this very moment is life and living life. Life is supposed to be generally good with a few moments of bad sprinkled in to make us stronger and better people, not mostly bad with only a few moments of good sprinkled in.
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