Anyone Else Have Trouble Completely Opening Up To Therapist?

[trav]

Hello again all. I had such good luck getting responses from people with my last post I've decided to ask another question pertaining to a problem I've had for a while.

I can't seem for the life of me to completely open up to my therapist. After every appointment I always leave with the feeling that I've left certain things out that I probably should have mentioned (self destructive thoughts, incredible anger, those times I feel like I'm completely hopeless and at the end of my rope, and just how bad things really get in my mind.). I'm not sure if its because when I'm at my appointments I'm not being triggered because I only go to appointments when the weather is nice and nasty weather is a trigger of mine.

I'm going to stop myself right there. Thats a lie. Thats the lie I tell myself every time. I tell myself that its not really that bad. I'm afraid that my therapist won't believe me. When its not happening I hardly believe it (though I KNOW its real) how can I expect him to? Its strange when its not at its worse, I have a hard time believing it was ever that bad.

My god it feels so good to finally admit that. I don't completely open up to my therapist because I'm worried he won't believe me, because I barely believe me. Finally typing it out makes me want to shout it from the roof tops!

Things were going well at the start of therapy, and then the progress stopped dead months ago. It was summer then and we've had a pretty dry summer up here. It is now fall and really sunny days are getting fewer. Its was so easy to say that things were getting better when I only had two cloudy/rainy/windy days per month. Now I'm lucky if I get three "nice" days a week.

I guess I'm worried that he won't believe me and I'm worried that I'll be letting him down by relapsing. I wish I could just go to an appointment on a "bad" day so he could see me and talk to me then but I am completely unable to leave the house on a "bad" day.

I guess I'm just venting. I apologise for the poor structure to this post. If anyone has any suggestions, or if you've had an experience like this and have anything you think might be helpful to me please let me know.

Travis

 

[Cthulhu]

I can totally understand that, it's exactly the same in me. It already ends with the first question "On a scale of 1-5 how are you feeling today?"
I really can't say. I can say I'm felling quite good just because I forgot how depressed or so I am for a minute. I can only talk about feelings exactly while I have them, that's why a therapy might never work with me- it's not only I don't want to open up, it's more thst I can't find the entrance to my inner self in a talk.

For me writing in this forum, in my diary, helps me a lot, it's much more than I had before finding it.

 

[faerie0101]

I thought I had a therapist fooled. She would only see me on my good days. I always had some excuse on the bad days of why I couldn't make it. She let me go on like that for a while, but eventually told me that I needed to show up for all of my appointments or she was going to charge me for the missed ones too. This was her way of cornering me into telling the truth. After that, there were days she'd have to call me six times just to get me to the parking lot, but she did. She even came and walked me from the car for a while. Then she insisted that I make it a little bit closer on my own each time. It was horrible for me, but very effective. Even if I spent the remainder of the session just crying from the experience of getting there, I was still there. That was a huge accomplishment for me, since before that I was just trapped in my house for days when things were going badly. It took the fear of starving to death from being unable to go to the store off of my list of things to worry about. How's that for liberation?

Do you really think he hasn't noticed that you only make good day appointments? Maybe he is just waiting for you to notice it and tell him?
And you are not 'relapsing' at all. You are progressing.

 

[anni]

It is funny how for some reason one can TALK here in the forum, and I don't think it's *just* the anonymity, either. It's just so clear others know exactly what on earth one is saying, even down to that humour thread here 'You know you have PTSD when'. Some of the stuff in there is funny, but it's only fall-down funny when you recognize yourself in other's catasrophies, you know?

Boy, does Faerie have a good point. The T's, the good ones, really do tend to know this stuff about us, to our benefit ( if surprise ). We're just so used to worrying ourselves into circles it's terribly hard to finally believe anyone cares enough to do so. I actually gave my T a list, a bit ago, which I sometimes do regret because he'll make me work on things when he feels I should. It's like yours-all the things I felt I was missing telling him that day, or were giving me anxiety or being intrusive in my life. He'll stick it in that book they always have in their lap and have it memorized, no worries there! If you feel you can, perhaps make a list, and let him have it? They really are very astute, too, and don't 'make' you address things you're just not up to dealing with yet.

I hope today is ok for you-with some peace!

Take care,

Anni

 

[intothelight]

Hi Trav,

I understand about having difficulty opening up. My whole life, I have always been "fine". However, by opening up on the Forum, I could then open up to my family, then my close friends, and finally I am opening up to my T.

It just takes time.

ITL

 

[Iam]

My god it feels so good to finally admit that. I don't completely open up to my therapist because I'm worried he won't believe me, because I barely believe me. Finally typing it out makes me want to shout it from the roof tops!

That is awesome Trav! A BIG step in the right direction. I am constantly amazed at how liberating it is to finally admit to a difficulty in a particular area.

I'm going to stop myself right there. Thats a lie. Thats the lie I tell myself every time. I tell myself that its not really that bad. I'm afraid that my therapist won't believe me. When its not happening I hardly believe it (though I KNOW its real) how can I expect him to? Its strange when its not at its worse, I have a hard time believing it was ever that bad.

You know Trav, I think denial is a pretty common reaction for most of us. I actually had to ask my T if he thought I had been abused. I mean I was that much in denial. I just didn't want to believe the evidence and at least wanted to minimize it. My T wouldn't answer me, insterad he let me discover, acknowledge and admit it for myself which of course had a much bigger impact. When we accept the truth then we are able to move forward. Maybe now you will be able to tell your T. I once told mine "You REALLY don't know how screwed up I REALLY am". To which he replied..."OH really (LOL as he thumbed thru my timeline with raised eyebrows) maybe we should discuss how screwed up you really are" He loves to play on words LOL! Though at the time I was so beside myself that I didn't even catch it...It was the only time I was so intense with him about anything and he didn't disbelieve a word I said. I sure trust him a lot more since that day.

Good work sharing Trav. I can see progress already in the short time you have been on the forum!

 

[seraphimfelldown]

Hey that's fantastic, my old therapist said I would open up to him when I was ready. Never did. Oh... except the time I turned up drunk. But then I never remembered what I said so that was useless.

I went onto this mostly free plan that you get 6, 12 or 18 psych sessions a year and my new gp who sent me to him said not to play games but tell the truth. You've made me want to do this now. Thank you

 

[popeye]

I have problems opening up to my therapist because i am afraid of being judged. Or that my fears are "trivial" and therefore they don't matter. I also truly fear that I will say something that will get my kids taken from me or me taken from my kids. I cannot even look a therapist in the eye and talk. i always find a point on the ground to look at or the wall because I can't stand the look I get from them. either the faked concern or even the real stuff. I have seen about 5 therapists I think and i can't even remember what they look like. Well one dude had an eye patch so I call him the Therapirate.

Either way opening up is hard for all of us. I think it is natural to avoid talking about things that disturb us. Just like that one thing our spouse does that drives us nuts but we never say a word about it. "cookies in bed"

Sorry very random post I guess

 

[looking up]

There are a couple of things that seem common to ptsd - minimising what has happened is one of them. In my case this happened because I was identifying with the perpetrator and blaming myself. It was difficult to open up because I kept telling myself that what had happened to me 'wasn't really that bad', even though everyone who knew my story was horrified at what had happened to me, and kept saying 'I don't know how you get through each day'.

The other common thing is what you mention - difficulty opening up and talking about it to your therapist. The first therapist I saw was very kind a bit 'motherly', so we reached a point where I didn't want to talk because I was worried about her!! That's when I found a ptsd specialist. I found a couple of things that helped me open up. The first was that when I wanted to talk about something new and really difficult, I looked at the wall or faced my chair slightly away from him, so it felt like he wasn't in the room. The other one was that I started talking the minute I sat down. If I hesitated and got into small talk then I would just circle around things.

I'm not sure if either of those are useful for you, but I hope you know you aren't alone! Oh and I found that when I finally did disclose something huge, the fact that the therapist didn't judge me (he used to say 'Do you really think you can shock me? Seriously???) and that I had actually said out loud all the big stuff going on in my head, was such a relief. It gets easier the more you practice. Take care :D

 

[anni]

What Popeye said- 'judged' and then 'trivial so won't matter' I think with emphasis on the whole not matter thing across the board. Gosh everyone's different but am increasingly convinced opening up to anyone about anything can have an awful lot to do with being secretly convinced we just don't matter. What if someone agrees with us? That's me, anyway, so please do not think I'm 'aiming' this in particular. I found myself kind of relieved and nodding at Popeye's post, so added this.

 

[seedling]

What a great thread - so many things I can identify with.

Trav - I really get the not believing it was that bad. All the bad stuff just fades away and I have to work to remember how I felt. When I talk about stuff like this in therapy it sounds to myself as if I'm lying or making something up, the emotion is gone from it.

I don't think my T has ever asked me "how are you?" or "how have you been?". Now he usually starts by going over what I said last time and his interpretation of it. Guaranteed to get my heart pounding.

Right now I have a way of thinking my T doesn't believe me. Like what I'm saying isn't that important. I think this is coming from me but I haven't gotten a handle on it at all. This week after therapy the words "Nothing happened to me" kept coming up and bringing the pain with them. In my trauma it was my son who was almost killed and I wasn't physically harmed. Very easy to think I should be all right.

But at the same time I go to therapy, realize there's something very wrong with me and keep trying to get better. The rational and the emotional can be so radically opposed at times. I am mostly just wallowing in irrationality during therapy sessions, totally anxious and scared out of my mind.

I don't think your T would think it is a relapse. Think he will think that he's finally seeing some of the deeper stuff. My T seems almost excited now that I'm into the crappy stuff. Like he can really do his job and enjoy the challenge.

Popeye - love the Therapirate! Gave me a good laugh.

 

[Tinyflame]

The rational and the emotional can be so radically opposed at times. I am mostly just wallowing in irrationality during therapy sessions, totally anxious and scared out of my mind.

I don't think your T would think it is a relapse. Think he will think that he's finally seeing some of the deeper stuff. My T seems almost excited now that I'm into the crappy stuff. Like he can really do his job and enjoy the challenge.

Wow seedling, -that's a whole new concept. I swear to God I'm almost afraid to open my mouth for fear of the negative-impact. And so true, as regards "wallowing in irrationality"- perhaps even "wallowing" in trying to rationalize why it means nothing/ nothing's a "trauma" - wallowing in rationality, lol.

Thank you.-