Anyone experience new trauma after defeating dissociation?

[Abstract]

Wondering. After hard work over many years I have pretty much managed to deal with my near constant and I suspect almost life long dissociation stuff. I keep wondering what would happen to me if I experienced something bad now. I feel pretty exposed in many ways. Even though containing it has without a doubt helped me to avoid getting into those situations. I feel I may be much more damaged without it to buffer the experience.

Has anyone experienced this? How did you cope? Did it damage you more without dissociation to protect you. Did you slip back into dissociation. Do you think you processed it better after because you didn't dissociate.

 

[Friday]

I’ve mentioned a time or six thousand that I was virtually asymptomatic for a decade.

I didn’t live under a rock. Life happened. New trauma happened. Stressors happened.

The vast majority of the time I was fine.

I had a lot of safety nets built into my life... so whilst deaths, sexual assaults, physical assaults, car accidents, and life in general did it’s thing... I was generally back to optimal within a few days to a few months.

 

[Swift]

Yeah.
Can I ask a bit more about why you're asking this question?
Are you worried that something bad is gonna happen, and you might not be able to handle it by dissociating?
Honestly this is one of the things that worries me about learning how to not dissociate, reliably.
Recently I've had a broken hand, and keep dissociating through appts, even though I know how not to, but I'm glad I can still do it.
I was sexually assaulted in my 20s after being sexually (and otherwise) abused, including sexual assault from 12-17.
People on here reckon I'm still dissociated from the sexual assault because I just don't care that much about it. I went full-on dissociative for a day (left my flat where it happened), moved out, and... coped with what it triggered in me by dissociation.
Honestly, my dissociation wasn't fixed but it was under better control.
But.. because it was difficult to deal with, I just started dissociating a hell of a lot more again.
That particular assault I don't have PTSD about. No nightmares, flashbacks, noticeable triggers. I don't even think about it that often, it's just a thing that happened, a shitty one, but a thing.
Happy to answer any more questions, if I can help.

 

[shimmerz]

I have. The big thing with trauma is the loss of a proper sense of time. The body and mind lose the idea of constructed time.

I can't remember what book I read it in, but it was a big wig trauma dr who stated he got into a car accident and could feel himself slipping. He said he caught himself by counting his breathes. He just kept concentrating on his breath. He said it saved him from the shock involved after the accident while he was waiting in the ambulance.

So yes, I practice making my own time all the time and have put it into place when in shock. I think it helps me.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you so much @Friday @Swift @shimmerz I think you are all more or less saying the same thing. That it has been protective rather than exposed you more.

Friday, you are saying your new coping skills allowed you to experience new trauma and stressors and deal with them fairly easily. No pressure to answer but: did you dissociate a lot in the original traumas. Did you stop dissociating when you became asymptomatic. Did you dissociate during the new traumas? What do you think caused you to become very symptomatic again and what role do you think dissociation played. Thank you!

Swift, yes. I am feeling pretty exposed without the dissociation. I am wondering if I would dissociate if something happened and if dissociating would help healing after or hinder it. The resilience research seems to connect the likelihood of dissociating during/after a trauma and likelihood of developing ptsd after. Maybe because we are not then processing it. ? But it feels like a buffer and cant help but feel it has been in the past. I am finding "ordinary" present situations a challenge and am not really responding with dissociation for the first time. It of course allows me to make better decisions and help avoid this escalating from a "normal" stressor to something potentially bigger. I have fully acknowledged that and it was what motivated me the most dealing with the dissociation. But I still feel battered and fed up and longing for my dissociative bubble.

So you did dissociate in response to the assualt, pre the assualt you had less dissociation but not totally under control. But you feel you aren't traumatised by the assault regardless. No symptoms. That's great. Why do you think that is?

shimmerz
Thats interesting. Hmm. Its hard to find time when dissociated. No matter what flavour of d it is. Do you feel finding that time correlates to staving off dissociation? I guess symptoms are not about the experience but the lack of our brains being able to store it away correctly. It just feels pretty brutal being out here unprotected by dissociation.

So the breath and keeping a sensing of time and space helps stave off the shock developing. Interesting. Thank you.

 

[Cactus Bloom]

Thank you so much @Friday @Swift @shimmerz I...

I just wanted to let you know how awesome I think you are. Just by reading this one comment of yours :)

 

[shimmerz]

No matter what flavour of d it is. Do you feel finding that time correlates to staving off dissociation?

Eh, I wish I could find it. It was either Van der Kolk or van der Hart.

I had an incident about 5 weeks ago where I could feel the shock setting in. I only dissociate now when facing homelessness issues. This was not one of those incidents. The shock lasted me all day. I would normally have dropped dead into catatonia, but I kept myself counting and breathing 5/2 5/2 all.day.long. I have practiced this ad nauseum while I have been well, so I have it coming pretty automatically now when I feel my state change.

Anyway, I kept walking and talking. I was compromised, but the name of the game for me is to stop dissociating. It is so not helpful in my life and it needs to end. Some pretty crazy feelings happening - which is why I have that emotion thread. I am noticing that when I am tuning into my breathing (aka changing states) it is ALWAYS when I am feeling an emotion that I don't understand. That I can't name.

Best of luck Abstract and congratulations on breaking the dissociative beast. It isn't easy!

 

[Starfire]

Wondering. After hard work over many years I have pretty much managed to deal with my near constant and...

Dissociation is a tool I will always have available. Now I have other tools also that I can chose to use instead or in addition. I have a supportive T available & a support system I can call on. The key is I now have a choice. I can deal with the issue before it gets to the need to dissociate level. It's now my last line of resort. And if I need to use it, I have the tools to more quickly return to more constructive behaviours.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I keep wondering what would happen to me if I experienced something bad now.

Has anyone experienced this? How did you cope? ....Did you slip back into dissociation.

Hello @Abstract ,
For me, I dissociated again though not as bad as before. I was triggered by the death of my mother in 2010. Before I knew it I had slid down a slippery slope into full-blown PTSD. That was the worst of it, the PTSD, not necessarily the dissociation. It had been about five years since I integrated the major portion of my alters and fragments. I was poly-fragmented DID. I basically was symptom free for the five years until I crashed. My mother was the one person calling me a liar and that nothing ever happened to me. She even told my husband that I was a liar and had a vivid imagination and not to believe a word I said. So when she died I had the freedom to remember the worst of my childhood memories for which I had dissociative amnesia.

 

[Suzetig]

Dissociation is a natural, normal reaction at the time of trauma - it’s part of the mechanism that kicks off flight or fight reactions and is why people often have hazy or partial memories initially of something like a car accident. Dissociation that gets stuck is the stuff that leaves you numb and non-reactive over time. The first mechanism is protective in that it prevents overwhelm that would stop you getting out of herbs way etc. The second is maladaptive and gets in the way of healing.

I honestly think good mental health is having all of our feelings and emotions, being able to move through them and feel them and maybe cycle through them a few times. That strikes me as a healthy way to cope with challenge, adversity and to feel both pleasure and pain.

Having stopped relying on dissociation to stop me feeling things, further trauma has been painful, at times very painful but I’ve moved through the pain more easily, been able to process my thoughts and feelings and become more settled more quickly. So it’s been healthy and helpful to loose the stuck dissociation.

 

[Tinyflame]

I find my biggest problem with good or bad things is confusion, (not sure if that's dissociation), but it's not helpful in future traumas sustained or worse, what to do with the feelings after-the-fact. It jumbles me up, for lack of a better term (though wholly 'unrequested by myself, at the time'-ugh can't think of the word- out of my control). Mixes up my emotions also, and often I end up at some level numb/ matter-of-fact/ minimizing but acting in self-defeating/ self-harmful ways, or inclined to (even though I don't realize that either, at the time).

 

[Abstract]

Much thanks @Cactus Bloom @shimmerz @Starfire @Congruency @Suzetig @Junebug . Very appreicated.


Cactus Bloom, I wish I was. Appreciated though... : )

Starfire, I almost think I would feel reassured if I thought I could if I really needed to. Even though, from the research, that may not be helpful. You are totally right about having other options available. If it wouldnt be helpful to long term recovery then I don't want to be tempted to slip down that road.

shimmerz thank you thank you for helping me to redefine my path away from dissociation. I have been working on this for many years since starting to realise the cost. I have had mixed feelings throughout but I think I have been away enough from the worst effects of it to start having real yearnings back to the past even though I know that was a place (for me specifically of total interpersonal dysfunction, shame, a serious lack of sense of identity and at times, real danger) of a total lack of reality, self or ability to manage my day to day life.
Am sorry about your 5 week incident. Wonderful that you reengaged coping and are getting through.

Congruency, I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like your brain felt it was safe enough and allowed to start processing all it needed to process. No pressure to answer but did you feel previous meshed parts of yourself became separated when you hit this trigger? I keep wondering if progess for me in this area is a an indication of progress for ptsd rather than really dealing with it if that makes sense. From a discussion with someone previously had on here. I am so so sorry your mother denied your reality and invalidated you like that and wish you healing.

Suzetig I totally agree with your thoughts on dissociation. Theoretically. Emotionally I am still trying to find a way through this. Its a love hate thing.How does one make sure it is the type that is in the moment not after. Is it alternative skills. Are you saying you experienced further trauma (rather than triggers) and managed to come out straight away but were in for the event.

Totally agree with you re feelings. Now just to face them. No pressure but did you dissociate at the time and was it trauma. Thank you.

Junebug, thank you. Yes its hard to sort feelings after and confusing. Self and other blame, numb mimimising self harm etc. It def doesn't help nut is "usual". I guess even achnolwding that something happened at all is a step forward. x