Childhood Anyone Need Motherly Love?

[Brenton]

Hi everyone
I've been having flashbacks and have been in a triggered state since Sunday, more feelings than memories, but I am having memories. I want to curl into a ball and disappear. I won't, but I'm not okay today.

One way my sexual abuse and abandonment has manifest itself in my life is having sex with older women (40's, my ideal mother age) Strangers from the mall or the internet, some not even knowing their names. I did it for the attention, not the sex. I traded sexual gratification for comfort, as in, I gratify them and they have to spend time with me. I felt like a prostitute, but I needed to feel loved.

I haven't done it in 15 years, but I still have a void in me that needs motherly love and its easier to find an older woman who wants sex than it is to find one who wants to just hold me. I know its pretend, and they don't really care, but when you're in pain you tend to grasp at whatever is in front of you.

I'm not going to act on it, but I really hurt for a mother's love; a stable and present figure who won't hurt me.

Can anyone relate?

 

[RavenGirl]

Yes, through almost a year of therapy I have come to the realization that I will NEVER have the kind of mother I wanted or needed growing up. A warm, kind, caring, nurturing, gentle, understanding, protective, attentive, loving mother.

I still don't have that mother, and I have now come to terms with that. I did learn how to love myself despite all my childhood abuse; and that is better for me in the long run. Be patient, one day you will find a great woman who will be loving and nurturing and will be your "other half", but first you need to love yourself. You are worth it! ! Sending :hug:'s your way. Raven

 

[Brenton]

I agree. It has to come from within, because I'm never going to have it.

 

[Ronin]

I believe in reparenting.

I have an amazing imaginary Mom, also. :D Well, had her for a while.

Looking for mother figures in other people has been a clusterf*ck and not recommended.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think I have a "love/hate" relationship with motherly love.

I want it, but at the same time it would trigger me because the only motherly love I got was extremely conditional and vanished frequently. I'm not yet to the stage where I can think of motherly love as a universal good thing.

 

[Brenton]

I believe in reparenting.

I have an amazing imaginary Mom, also. :D Well, had her for a while.

Looking f...

I tried the ideal mom imagery, but its not enough. I need physical presence. But, I know it won't work, and won't do anything but hurt worse, so I dont act out.
I really have mommy issues for my therapist. I'm older than she is, but she's at that ideal age. I wish she was my mom.
But, I'm not out of touch with reality. I know she isn't, and never will be, and it isn't her job, or appropriate for her to play that role. This longing lives inside me where it belongs. She's getting married this year and I'm jealous, like a kid would be, not as a man would be, because my feelings aren't sexual, they're quite innocent. I dont have much experience with being nurtured so of course I'm going to latch onto the first woman who does this kind of care. I can see this for what it is, transferrance, which will pass.

 

[Brenton]

I think I have a "love/hate" relationship with motherly love.

I want it, but at the same time it...

I can relate.

 

[mrsps]

I can totally relate to what you are saying.
I had casual one off sex with many men a few years back, not because I wanted the sex I wanted the comfort but the men all had to be older.
My T is old enough to be my mother and I wish she was, I wish she would take me home and care for me like a mother would. But I know this is my younger part wanting this as at 35 years old I can take care of myself. I need to heal the younger part that longs for a loving mother.

 

[RavenGirl]

Yes, the "tiny" (AKA us)needs to heal from the pain they went through. Until they are able to heal they keep wanting what they didn't have. . :(

 

[angrypanda]

I am drawn to older women and men and deeply crave their attention and affection. Many older men have mistaken that want for sexual desire. My subconscious often reverts to sexual thoughts about older men and women, I think as a way of trying to get that affection any way it takes. Very confusing but normal. Oh, the things we have to rewire!!!

 

[Sideways]

"Complicated" feelings for your T is way common. And when you think about it, it makes sense. This is the one person in the world who supports you unconditionally, has unlimited compassion for you, is safe to be around, and to top it off, they're your lifeline, literally keeping you alive.

Feels weird, but don't sweat it. Lots of people have that undercurrent with their therapist, and T's get training on how to deal with it as well:)

 

[Stickler]

For me? I want nurturing from guys...as you said, trying to get this from folks in a real life setting does not work so well.