Childhood Anyone so angry at yourself as a child?

[FighterHeart]

Really though, I just feel like people have been through so many worse things why cant I just move on and enjoy my life now...

I often also ask myself that question of people have gone through worse things... until I realised that it doesn't really matter what other people went through. Your challenge is your challenge and it's a real one!!!
Instead of making an effort on denying the challenge akin to not being angry at the person you really should be angry against, face your challenge and then you can conquer it.
Especially in PTSD where every person is different. Even with similar trauma one person had a better tool set/support system available as child so the trauma impact was less. I for example had very little Eventhough my trauma event itself wasn't as horrific as other people's but the trauma effect was really bad as I didn't have any body to talk or any other support for that matter.

 

[PreciousChild]

I spent 30 years of my life seeing my childhood as one in which I "betrayed" myself. I chose to appease my dad instead of standing up for myself, and so I was angry at myself. But after reading several books on ptsd, I finally realized that we choose our parents in order to survive. I couldn't survive on my own as a toddler. It was a relief to realize that.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I have spoken to my therapist about similar things and we identified a problem in my thinking. I was judging myself as a child with all the experience and knowledge of an adult. It wasn't fair to myself. Just something for people to consider.

 

[cptbildad]

Ya, I think that is a very common and natural expression. Anger toward self for being violated is a product of self-contempt. Contempt is used to deal with the shame that one feels because they have been defiled. It is much easier (as a child) to pour your indignation upon yourself than your abuser. Especially if that abuser was someone who "loved" you or showed you a great deal of affection. Because one can't comprehend how their abuser could express such polarized behavior, the child naturally turns the guilt upon the self.

I was very fond of imagining my rapist stabbing me to death AFTER he was done pleasing himself with me. Isn't that interesting how someone can have such violent hatred against himself (herself) when they truly bear NO guilt for their violation?

 

[hithere]

yes it became in childhood the source of Suicidal Ideation, and it's what drives the impulses today. I have let myself down in so many ways

 

[PreciousChild]

Ya, I think that is a very common and natural expression. Anger toward self for being violated is a p...

Wow, cptbildad. That's a powerful and tragic image. Your post reminded me that I used to dream of bombing myself in order to escape the monster that was chasing me (my dad), which was a recurring dream throughout my life. In the dream, I thought it was a brilliant plan. It chills me to think about it as a metaphor for how I chose to cope and manage my trauma in my life.

 

[T2L]

Yes, the adult self out of the situation finally dealing with memories and emotions for the first time (in depth), anger is surfacing. At one point I was able to forgive myself, that it wasn't a choice and it wasn't my fault. I guess that's progress, but things are like an onion. I peel one layer, make progress, then the next later comes. Those old feeling return but at a deeper and different level now. I had a very difficult time this week with it in fact. There's a spkis between my adult logic and I can tell myself it's not my fault, but I think these are emotional flashbacks. I'm starting to learn what the difference for me is regarding when emotional flashback vs unresolved anger towards the people (which for me I turn inward?. This week I was so man at myself for "letting" things happen, regardless the situation. I felt I should have done more but logically know I couldn't have. I was anry at myself for "letting" other incidents occurre while I was an adult. Again, it's the onion concept. I dealt mainly with my mother's passing. Once a big part of that grief and complet relationship was processed, my mind was free to start processing the abusive relationship.... The one I thought I was completely"over" and no longer angry since it's been years. I then got angry at myself now that I am angry at that person. I question if I'm "allowed" to feel whatever negative feelings. The answer is easier said than done, but every emotion we feel IS VALID and we must feel them to finally process the situation and move through it, rather than remaining stuck in crises or avoidance mode. Writing this out could sound simple, but my personal experience this week was very very hard. I'm just trying to keep that rational 31 year old side of me present, even if a tiny percentage.


Long story, sorry... But yes, it's ok and natural to feel these things as you try to heal!

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@T2L wow....your post resonated with me so much! I can feel and understand where you are coming from... I do not allow myself to "grieve" or feel the bad events that happened because I feel so responsible. I think thats a reason why I turned to self harm a lot it was some kind of strange outlet that would let myself recognize how much pain I was in even if just to myself.