Relationship Are Habitual Breakups As A Means Of Isolation Common?

[Tinyflame]

"the unloveable" is what I refer to as the people who aren't worth the hassle in other people's eyes.

Is that not the definition of unlovable though? Whether defined as a function of current society or not? That is, what's the difference when the end result is the same?

(PS, I don't mean it as judgment of you or your post, rather just 'factually'. )

 

[PetuniaPusher]

Has anyone else ever experienced this or felt the same way? Why should labels matter?

I find that anything that makes my Vet feel like he has to conform to society, like the labeling us boyfriend/girlfriend freaks him out. But, he is fine with the thought that we are a couple. I also have found that anything that has to do with being obligated to anything, also freaks him out. I was so hurt at Christmas when he didn't even buy me anything. However, I recently read in my research that other have also had this experience. The person with the PTSD feels overwhelmed and anxious of the expectations of a holiday...meeting family members...gifts, etc. Again, this is something that I had to not take personally. Thankfully, we had an intimate celebration, just he and my mother, so even though he seemed a little uncomfortable, he loved the few gifts I did get him.

As my mother likes to remind me, it's just a label. And as I like to remind my boyfriend, whatever we have is our, and ours alone to understand. Nobody else matters--this is our journey. We know what we have together which is a bond that cannot be replaced by anyone else, and we are both fine with that. It only gets frustrating to me when the outside sources, like friends and relatives, put the pressure on me when that have expectations of what he should be doing for me.

 

[NaeNae75]

No, no...sorry, sometimes I don't explain myself well enough..."the unloveable" is what I refer t...

I understand. Like everyone wants you to give up because our society has become so disposable and so "immediate reward" , that we don't even realize how destructive that is. People are labeled these things by others, and we find ourselves defending our choices somehow. Not that we see them as unloveable, but that they do, and that "immediate satisfaction" people would.

I face this all of the time, everyone telling me to leave, because it isn't "easy". Because I "do to much". Because sometimes he hurts me. But they don't see what I see, because they only want to see the drama. They aren't around for the loving version of him.

I guess I'm old fashioned. I believe in fighting for something to believe in, someone I believe in. I believe hard work pays off...and that sometimes, dealing with PTSD is hard work. There are a million other cliche's that are applicable, but I'll spare everyone.

 

[NaeNae75]

I find that anything that makes my Vet feel like he has to conform to society, like the labeling...

I've experienced much of the same with him. It took him 6 months to call me his girlfriend...even though we were exclusive since day one. He wouldn't tell me he loves me for almost a year, because "people use that word to hurt and manipulate other people". There are a lot of things I've given up to this.

 

[EveHarrington]

No, no...sorry, sometimes I don't explain myself well enough..."the unloveable" is what I refer t...

Thank you for clarifying. I understand now. I have PTSD and I feel unlovable. If the rest of the world agreed I'd probably give up.

 

[PetuniaPusher]

I understand. Like everyone wants you to give up because our society has become so disposable and so "...

Yes, yes and yes! Exactly how I feel. I'm also a hopeless romantic and maybe this is why none of the other relationships I've been in have lasted. I also believe in fighting for something I believe in. I believe that this is what love does. It sticks around, it fights, it lasts through the test of time.

If he feels like the word "love" is used to hurt people, have you asked him if there is an alternative word you can use? Like, I'm really "in-like" with you. Speaking of, my boyfriend has never told me that he's in love with me. I'm also pretty sure he's never known what that is or what it means. His first few sexual experiences were one-night stands right before his deployment. Going to Iraq further desensitized him. But when he's not over thinking things, he's the most lovable, , kind, sweetest human being I've ever met.

 

[EveHarrington]

That's very helpful to know. The thing is, I'm so busy with other things that when I get over the init...

Yes, I appreciate it when people "stay" but my definition of staying is likely different than others. When I need space, I need space. To others, this is unacceptable as they need constant contact. So to me, staying can mean staying------but at a distance. To others, staying means that things continue as they were, 24/7 contact, in my business, etc. I can't handle this, and this is why space more often than not means things are over. The other person cannot fathom the possibility that I'm still very much "here" but need air to breathe.

 

[NaeNae75]

If he feels like the word "love" is used to hurt people, have you asked him if there is an alternative word you can use? Like, I'm really "in-like" with you. Speaking of, my boyfriend has never told me that he's in love with me.

We don't need to anymore....that was over 5 years ago. He had an old girlfriend that would do the "if you loved me" type of BS. I don't EVER do that, so he's learned now that I am safe to express his love to. We've been through A LOT over 6.5 years....

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, yes and yes! Exactly how I feel. I'm also a hopeless romantic and maybe this is why none o...

The world needs more people like you. We've become a society where if something isn't easy, you give up and walk away------it's sad because life isn't easy! I may get scared and I may run away, but it's never been because a relationship wasn't "easy".

 

[PetuniaPusher]

Thank you for clarifying. I understand now. I have PTSD and I feel unlovable. If the rest of the...

I'm so sorry. I had PTSD from a domestic incident that rocked my world, but fortunately, I was able to get past it at some point. It took me years not to have my voice quiver and my hands shake, whenever I spoke about it. Actually, it still happens, I just don't really talk about it anymore. And maybe this is why I have so much compassion and patience for someone who has PTSD. I had my own version of it. It sucked. I almost lost my job and I couldn't concentrate and I especially couldn't stand to be in my own skin at times. I think PTSD is a reflection of how vulnerable and sensitive we truly are as human beings. My boyfriend has been extremely difficult at times, but when I learned to recognize the PTSD behavior and learned to separate that from who he really is underneath all of it, I learned to focus on the things I love about him, and not focus on the bad. I know for a fact he doesn't feel lovable and will probably tell anyone that he doesn't even like himself. This is where compassion and empathy come in. After a year and a half of being together, he is finally letting me in and learning to really trust me--trust me that I'm not going anywhere, which is exactly what people with PTSD need.

 

[NaeNae75]

Yes, I appreciate it when people "stay" but my definition of staying is likely different than oth...

We are running on the same definition. I don't need him physically or even emotionally here 24/7. I just "need" to know somewhere in there he loves me and plans on coming back to our family when he feels safe again...when his stress has subsided some. I am comfortable being by myself. If he ever really did "leave" as in never to be seen from or heard from by me again. Honestly, if he ever did "move on", I don't know that I would even bother being with anyone else again. I don't think I can trust anyone else. He's the first person I've trusted since my grandfather died when I was a kid.... so, because I'm okay alone, I don't have a problem with his need for space.

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm so sorry. I had PTSD from a domestic incident that rocked my world, but fortunately, I was a...

Boy...we're two peas, lol. I was diagnosed with PTSD almost 20 years ago.