Are My Fears Related To Ptsd ?

[Darkly Detached]

I had an accident a decade ago and since then have had multiple surgeries to try to correct a disability. In the midst of all of this, I didn't realize that my body was rendered useless for sex in any position without pain. In other words, sex became pain and whenever my ex and I tried to have it, even the slightest awkward movement, or touch would trigger the pain and at the same time trigger the memories.

Over time, my ex became increasingly frustrated at my inability to have sex with her and even though she was understanding for the first 6 months of the relationship, started accusing me of being unable to perform for her as though it was my fault. I internalized her abuse because after all, the accident was my fault, therefore the subsequent difficulties were my fault. We were in a 3 year sexless marriage before she left me because of that reason. During all of that, she would abuse me, and threaten me that she was doing me a favour by staying with me. I even explored further surgeries at one point trying to figure out what was wrong with me. But I was also afraid of going under the knife. Everyone blamed me for not getting more surgeries and said that that's the reason why I'm failing in my relationship.

I didn't realize that I was becoming my own worst enemy by internalizing negative thoughts which led to performance anxiety and it was for a year after the actual break-up that I finally realized that maybe it was PTSD all along.

I'm still not sure because at times, I have a tendency to start thinking that I'm undesirable and unlovable as a sexual person because of my disability. I have to really struggle to convince myself that maybe I'm not undesireable and that I am not completely impotent as long as there isn't any physical discomfort around my area of disability. I haven't been in a physical relationship since my ex and I'm afraid to get into another one because it might end up repeating. I sometimes feel like I'm a weak man who can't get over all of this. Everything that defines me as a man was taken from me because of my disability and even though I am holding down a decent job and decent standard of living, I'm always afraid that I'll be abandoned because I'm disabled out of my accident.

 

[saffy]

Hi Darkly Detached

It does sound like there is a lot of association there. Pain, rejection and abandonment!!

It sounds to me like you now associate sex with all these feelings, which is sad. The actual accident might have caused the disability but the aftermath of emotions and behaviour towards you has caused more problems. In my opinion.

You certainly do not sound weak to me and have coped well considering what you have said. It does not sound like you just do not want to have sex but rather cannot have sex, big difference. Is the sex drive still there?

It is hoped that a new person would be much more understanding when faced with the facts. If they do not then the problem is theirs not yours. It is an attitude problem which has stripped you of your self esteem. Finding yourself disabled in this area is not easy to deal with either, did your x do anything to help you feel sexy and loved or just wanted a shag?

Sex is much more than just penetration. Have you spoken to anyone about this therapy wise. I will put this link up for you. It is all about positive attitude.

Nick Vujicic - Attitude is Altitude.com / Life Without Limbs.org find him on YOUtube.

I hope you find someone who appreciates you for who you are as a person.

Best wishes
Saffy

 

[BloomInWinter]

Welcome to the forum, Darkly.

Just that accident and the surgeries would possibly be enough to give you PTSD. I'm sorry for all you have endured.

Your ex's behavior was appalling and unloving. That she used your disability as an excuse for being cruel speaks a lot about what her priorities were, and they were not about 'love.'

Many people cannot have sexual intercourse but there are many other ways to deal with this issue.

Your definition of manhood is, in my opinion, too rigid and appearance orientated. If you asked 100 women what defines manhood, I suspect very few would mention sexual performance in the top 10. Or, even the top 100.

Hang in there. You deserve healing, and comfort.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My husband has dementia and he has forgotten how to have sex so we go without. I do not blame him or hold it against him. We just go without. We still hug and kiss. I figure it is a part of life and I accept it.

I think your wife was not good for you. I am sorry she was cruel to you about it.

I hope your self esteem will heal from this experience with your wife. Not all women are like her. I wish you the best.

 

[Darkly Detached]

thank you all for your kind support and words. I have been in a relationship for the past year but it isn't a purely physical relationship yet - I'm planning to marry her at some point. She is well aware of my difficulties and is very kind to me and encouraging. She is well aware that we may not be able to have penetrative sex when we do come together and is accepting of that possibility. She still wants to marry me despite it.

But the fear remains at times really surfaces and envelopes everything that I do. Sometimes I find myself struggling to get out of bed even and stay hidden under the covers for more than 24 hours before feeling comfortable enough to come out.

I have tried a couple of therapists, but I think I was wrongfully diagnosed. The sessions were rushed and I didn't even get a chance to talk about my accident and absuive relationship. One of the therapists prescribed me meds for psychosis and the other said that "You have behavioural problems". I thought they were dismissive and that made me really sad and hurt. Angry at being misunderstood. I don't want to go to them again - but it feels like I have no choice.

It's also very hard to talk about my personal experiences. I can't find a community where I can express myself freely without being judged or condemned in some way. It's almost as though .. sometimes I'm not even allowed to suffer let alone seek some kind of support or help for that suffering. I want to belong to this place and pour my heart out slowly. I have suffered a lot and people in my life acknowledge that suffering - but they always tell me to move on without telling me how ... how do I move on when everything turns into a trigger at some point. Every step is sometimes filled with memories of pain and suffering .. when the pain around my disability returns, it triggers all the bad memories .. now including those of my ex not supporting me through those moments of weakness. I'm just tired of it all .. sometimes I become suicidal .. but then, I am not really suicidal because I want to live and be better .. have better relationships .. be successful ... and live a peaceful life.

Anyways .. thank you for reading.

 

[saffy]

She still wants to marry me despite it.

Darkly, Do not let her go :)

But the fear remains at times really surfaces and envelopes everything that I do.

That is your rejection and abandonment issues caused by the actions of your past 'wife'.

Not everyone is like that, Thank god. your new girl is the opposite and loves you just the way you are and sounds very supportive and reassuring. This fear will subside and disappear. :) (knock that fear monster out of bed and grab your women instead ;) ) .

If you cannot find a group it is OK, there are no hard rules that you have to. With love and reassurance from your lady you will break these fears.

Best wishes

Saffy :)