Poll Are You More Angry At Your Perpetrating Parent Or Your Parent That Did Not Protect You?

[Addy]

I'm asking this question because I struggle with whom I should be more angry with... My father emotionally, physically and sexually abused me (but was drunk when he did it). My mother on the other hand never layed a hand on me. However, she did not protect me, and knew about the abuse and did nothing to stop it.

I feel hatred towards my father, but for some reason can't seem to tap into the anger that I should have for my mom. My T said that in a way my mom is more pathological because she doesn't have alcohol to fall back on for an explanation for her behavior. I am simply having a very hard time with this and am interested in others feelings on this topic. Thanks.

 

[shell]

I never felt angry at my father for not protecting me until I started a family. It was only when I looked at him through the eyes of a parent I realized how truly awful his actions were. He pandered to her every whim, to try and keep her happy. It didn't matter how abusive she got, he looked the other way. He was emotionally abusive in his own way, by blaming me for making her angry enough to continually punch and belt me. If she was in a bad mood it was always my fault.

 

[yomama]

I voted "the parent who did not protect," but honestly, the verdict is still out on this one.

 

[Addy]

I voted the perpetrating parent (my father), but part of me feels that I am holding a lot of anger in towards my mom too. I think I'm afraid if I get angry with her I will lose her, and she is literally all the family I have (I'm single with no kids, and no extended family either). Somehow, it's as though I fear my relationship will disintegrate with her if I even allow myself to touch on the anger I feel toward her... like once the floodgates open... forget it.

 

[yomama]

I wish there was an "I agree" or "yes!" or "me, too!" button, because Shell - I don't actually "like" what happened to you. I meant to say "me, too!"

 

[Lucycat]

I wish there was a button that says ' I do not feel anger'.

 

[Srain]

I put both, though I no longer feel anger towards my father. He died several years ago and I have done a lot of therapy where he is concerned. I know what he was and it was a certifiable pedaphile, no excuses allowed. My mother has been a whole different story and a much longer road. I don't know if "anger" is an appropriate word, though I clicked that for her as well simply because I am no longer letting her off the hook. She was incredibly young but I was young too and made some gut wrenching selfless decisions to save my children and she chose not to. She had plenty of chances over the years and turned a blind eye. I have to address this fully, maybe not with anger but with reality.

I really get what Addy is saying. I have been there time and again. Just my mother and me against the world, often it being only her that I felt believed me but the price that came with that has been hefty.

rain

 

[Marlene]

I voted for the non-protecting parent...my mother. My father was physically/emotionally abusive, cared only about his comforts above all and was a real bastard. My parents created an enviroment where my brother became just like my father, only worse. My brother was the one that raped and sexually abused me and beat the hell out of me regularly. I've dealt with a ton of anger towards my father and brother, but my mother is a whole special kind of anger because she never did anything to stop the abuse she knew about. If she had done something about that, the abuse she knows nothing about (sexual) would not have happened. She blew it and I get to deal with this crap for the rest of my life.

 

[kimba]

I am equally angry at both of them. Although my dad was an alcoholic, my mother didn't know how to cope and would do some crazy stuff herself. She would have crazy "punishments" that would happen in the middle of the night for example, and "fits" where she would fall to the floor supposedly unconscious. She denied all of this in later years saying she diddn't remember it. Lots of confusion for a 6-8 year old kid who was also being sexually abused by a neighbor at the same time!

 

[Kim]

I was angry at just my mother for a long time until just recently. Now I'm angry at both. My mother was my emotional and verbal abuser but she made my stepfather the heavy. Any time she felt fit for me to be punished he was the one to dole it out (I was not physically abused) justified or not. That made him a willing participant in her abuse of me and therefore equally responsible for it.

He also abused me in a way as he wanted nothing to do with me. He abused me with his silence and I've just recently come to realize that.

 

[Addy]

I wish there was a button that says ' I do not feel anger'.

Sorry... didn't even occur to me that someone wouldn't feel angry. I guess I am at such an early point in my healing that I can't fathom not having anger. :confused:

 

[Sethe]

Heh, I voted for both. :rolleyes:

Though right now, I am angry at my mother the most. I spent almost my entire life hating the hell out of my incredibly violent and emotionally abusive (and sometimes suicidal) father.

I am angry that she did not protect me (kept going back to him), used me as her own emotional crutch (extreme codependent enmeshment) and continues to live in denial. I'm still angry at my father for being delusional/in denial, but the anger has dropped exponentially in the last few years.