Are You Still Disgusted By The Idea Of Sex???

[J_trustno1]

Well, I still am.

I've been in therapy for almost a year now but there are too many things that I need to sort out before I can even look at sorting out on this topic. I've dealt with: domestic violence (parents), physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. Last but not least childhood labor.

The idea of sex is gross to me except for about 7-10 days before my cycle as my body is preparing for menstruation. However, I feel grossed whenever I let myself think about sex. I feel grossed to explore my own body because I feel I'm disgusting and feel ashamed of myself.

As for relationships, I am attracted to men for sure but having sex with one would be a big deal for me. I haven't had sex until now so I'm still a virgin. Yes, the pedophile touched me down there and made me feel his ****! He's done it like 2-3 times but that was when I was 9. Ever since then I've closed off from men and I become numb whenever there is any touch associated with the opposite sex and it doesn't have to be sexual touch (Can just be friendly touch).

At times I feel, that this is never going go away and I will always be stuck in this fear of relationships, past abuse and never having intimacy in my life because the concept of it grosses me out :( :cry:.

 

[sonicwhite]

I was in a relationship with a women, my last gf I truly LOVED. She said she was molested by her dad. Me being 19 all I could think about was sex........Long story short I made her very upset and angry with men....I lost what I consider someone I would have resisted my entire life for just to be with her had I realized what i was losing.......


I myself have resisted all sorts of women.....I am completely broken from my body.....I bridle it that it does what i want it to do but losing her I lost my interest in sex cause I saw the damage I did to one woman......I feel I never deserve anyone and most likely I do not so I have come to the conclusion that I will probably be torn and broken hearted for the rest of my life......


I'm so sorry a man would do this to you....I feel disgusted by sex so yes it wasn't trauma that did it, it was seeing what i was capable of doing and regretting it with all my heart.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

You associate sexual contact, or intimacy in general, with your abuse. My ex gf was sexually abused. And, while her body would respond to stimulation, she could feel nothing. Nothing emotional, or physical. She was capable of the physical act, but she would go completely physically and emotionally numb. It felt so onesided, I started to feel guilty for even touching her. The last year or so of our relationship, we had no sexual contact. It frustrated her that she couldn't have a normal sex life, but something in her subconscious mind would take over.

 

[J_trustno1]

I feel guilty of anything sexual be it masturbation or porn or anything. I just feel it's gross and see it with filth. I hated my own body until few years ago because it felt filthy. I hate the fact that I will NEVER have a normal sexual life in future because I find it revolting :cry: :( :depressed:

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I feel guilty of anything sexual be it masturbation or porn or anything. I just feel it's gross and see i...

It would probably take years of therapy to reprogram your mind to where you can have sex. Have you considered seeing a therapist that helps with sexual issues? My ex has severe contamination type ocd. She didn't understand, but I could see by the way she acted, that she felt 'dirty' all the time. She would brush her teeth for 30 minutes each time, until her gums were bleeding. I believe she was forced to perform oral sex when she was young, but she repressed the memories. And, she would also take showers for a half hour or more. She would scrub her vaginal area so much and so long, that is was red, raw and bleeding. I would time her, to encourage her to not to brush her teeth and scrub her private parts for so long. I would do those exercises with her almost each time.

 

[J_trustno1]

My T is a sexual therapist but I had so much baggage from other sides of the abuse that we haven't gotten into this area specifically. I've never allowed myself into any relationship because of the fear of domestic violence, emotional and verbal abuse that happened at home between my parents and how they destroyed our childhood. My sexual abuse doesn't help this either because I feel sex/intimacy is an act of molestation and rape :(. I have a very distorted and damaged view on sex :(. I see it like a teenager who finds out about sex and reproduction but grossed out by it. :( :cry:. It just sucks being in this position :( (sigh!).

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

My T is a sexual therapist but I had so much baggage from other sides of the abuse that we haven't gotten...

I know, but don't be ashamed. You can't help it. Your mind is just programmed to think that way. Sex is supposed to be a pleasant, trust filled act of love. But, abuse can twist that perception. In time, therapy should help. May take a while.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I know, but don't be ashamed. You can't help it. Your mind is just programmed to think that way...

I was forced to perform and endure homosexual acts by multiple male abusers when I was young. I understand how you can feel disgusted.

 

[Weemie]

Sex is weird for me. I am asexual, meaning I have no attraction toward other people. I masturbate sometimes, but it isn't "to" another person, it is literally just "hey, this feels good." Actually, I used to masturbate way too much, and watch a lot of gross porn, which was unhealthy for me and really a matter of reenacting.

I also had to deal with a lot of Trauma Shit about finding my abuse arousing, which, el sigh, really damaged my ability to relate to sex healthily in any possible way. I get no joy from the thought of sex. I have never, in my life, had positive sex. I have had consensual sex, but I dissociated all the way through it and I have vaginismus which caused it to be incredibly painful. People say that I'm only ace because of the trauma- and it's very possible. Nevertheless, it is what it is.

I suffer greatly with the idea of being intimate with another person, cognitively or physically. I always hold myself at a distance, I am always holding part of myself up and away, analyzing everything that's going on. I don't trust anyone, ever. I really think they're all related to the same thing. Just, this idea that you can be close to another person, that you can let another person in your space.

I used to read a lot of ER, and that felt healthiest to me. But still, it is not a tangible connection.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

You're not alone in this. Don't know if therapy helps it or not? But I hope so.

 

[Casper1018]

I can totally relate to being disgusted by sex. I am married and haven't had sex with my husband in over 2 years. I am actually relieved that he has gained a lot of weight which has caused its own issues BC it gives me another excuse to avoid it. I can masturbate, but only to thoughts of the abuse, which only intensifies my feelings of shame and disgust. My T calls it "repetition compulsion." It's something we discuss from time to time, but my embarrassment doesn't keep the focus on my feelings about sex for long. I was violently sexually abused my my g pa from 3-7 and was abused sexually several times a day by a minister for 14 years. To be honest, part of it is having the ability and control to NOT have sex that I enjoy now. My husband would never force me, so I like the power I have now to say no. Healthy? No, but it's where I am - today. Hopefully, with therapy, that will change.

 

[Kefira]

Maybe examine why exactly you feel a loss over this and what steps you might be able to take toward filling that need that are healthy? There's a lot of social pressure around sex, especially for women. Have it and we're sluts, don't and we're frigid. If you can get rid of all that babble and figure out why it matters to you that will be a start. I may be way off mark but I'd guess you're longing for connection. Those of us with past trauma have been taught not only socially but through our abuse that sex is the only or best way to achieve that. We don't live in a world that's very open to those elsewhere on the spectrum.

I identify as grey asexual. So I typically don't feel sexual attraction. However I'm pan sensual and demi romantic. This works for me. Touch is one of my love languages and it took a long time for me to get that back but I don't think I personally could have without having good friendships where there was healthy non-sexual touch with clear boundaries and respect.

For me it helped to break all of it down so I could understand that what I wanted was emotional connection and a degree of non-sexual intimacy. It helped me reevaluate a lot of assumptions we make socially about how one must want/have sex or they are broken. I'm perfectly happy not having a normal sex life. My life in general already isn't 'normal', why would that be different? I've learned to make allowances in many areas and really sex is one of the more logical ones given my history. The main thing is I'm okay with it and if that changes I'll work on something that will actually fix my unfulfilled need/want, not unfounded guilt imposed externally or from within.

Just my two cents.