Relationship Army Infantry Boyfriend Has Combat PTSD ... Should I Leave?

[Sweetpea76]

Shy, that isn't PTSD behavior. That's Abuse. PTSD doesn't make people abuse their partners.

It's him being a bad person. Period.

 

[Suzetig]

@shy What advice are you looking for? Someone to collude with you and give you top tips for living with someone who abuses you? A normal female in a regular loving relationship probably understands very well, he's being abusive to you.

It's not PTSD, he can help his behaviour and I'm not sure why it's your responsibility to support someone who is so abusive to you. You know you need to leave, so make plans to leave.

 

[Brokenwing]

I thank you all for being brave to share your experience. I too have someone I love that has PTSD and experienced all the abuse as well. First, what I learned is you can't help them only they can help themselves. Most importantly, if you stay in that relationship you will continue to be abused only to make you feel less worthy of your own life. I got out of the relationship to save myself from the abuse. You don't deserve to be abused and the best thing you can do to get yourself in a safer and healthy environment where you can heal is to walk away from the person who abuses you. No excuse, even PTSD justifies abuse. Walk away and leave. Love does not mean you deserve to suffer.

 

[SueZJ]

Great thread!

I have been struggling with very similar issues with my bf of almost 5 years. I have had very little understanding from anyone and not being married makes my status with the VA insignificant. Being his main caretaker but with no real say.

I broke up with him last week and I am in a lot of pain. Wondering if I would have done it right could things be different. It is all based on him refusing to get help. I have just come to the logical conclusion that there is no happy outcome for me in this situation. The drinking is masking the ptsd and it is addictive and makes his brain not work. He get's delusional about me, blames me, insults me and refuses to even recognize how badly what he is doing hurts me. It makes my life constantly just one step away from crisis or in full crisis all the time. It affects my ability to function well in the things I need and want to do with my life. Though he does so much to take care of me. He signed his paycheck over to me to pay half the rent after I broke up with him. He has not lived here in 6 months.
I love what someone said about how we don't fit in alanon. Thank you. My cousin is big in alanon and she is throwing these slogans at me and arguing with me and lecturing me. She was telling me my guy isn't capable of love. BS cousin! He isn't a monster. I know he loves me. He is mentally ill. She said no, the disease is a monster. And this is the truth of it. I told my guy I would drive him to the best treatment center at the VA. He agreed. Never got the referral...
One research term that I keep rolling around in my head is what they call "spousal aggression" how vets with ptsd have a high occurance of this and then we get aggressive back eventually because they aren't responding normally to our initial attempts to stop the aggressive behavour. This is happening with us. I am getting mean because he is pushing me beyond what any one should be pushed to... I wrote his mother yesterday conveying as kindly as possible how bad it is getting and that I can't do it anymore.
I have been so clear about him needing to get help.
I am at the phase where I keep replaying everything over and over snd my heart feels like it has been run over by a truck. I am in therapy

 

[SueZJ]

Shy, that isn't PTSD behavior. That's Abuse. PTSD doesn't make people abuse their partners.

It's h...

It is PTSD behavour. It just is... Following the research for 40 years. 92% of combat vets with ptsd have "spousal aggression".

Telling us it isn't ptsd does not help. We just know we are dealing with the symptoms not the person. These are our Vet's we are talking about.

Leaving is often the thing to do if they won't get treatment but don't make us doubt ourselves. We know we are not dealing with bad people. That's what makes it so hard.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm sorry... but vets with PTSD are no more likely to physically abuse their spouses than other vets. Do you have a source for this 92%?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Following the research for 40 years. 92% of combat vets with ptsd have "spousal aggression".

I googled 92%, vets, and aggression and found a link to a VA source - Partners of Veterans with PTSD: Research Findings - PTSD: National Center for PTSD

That link cites a study of 50 Vietnam vets that says of those 50, "92% had committed at least one act of verbal aggression in the preceding year." That is not 40 years of research saying 92% of vets with combat PTSD commit "spousal aggression."

Verbal aggression and lashing out is one thing. Abuse is another. The poster "Shy" that I was talking to in the post you quoted was getting choked and physically abused. PTSD does not cause abuse. It can cause rage, but the sufferer still has to make the decision to act on it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Here is a VA source about violence and PTSD.

Research on PTSD, Aggression, and Violence - PTSD: National Center for PTSD

 

[Deleted member 44240]

It is PTSD behavour. It just is... Following the research for 40 years. 92% of combat vets with ptsd have "spousal aggre...

Thank you!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Stop perpetuating the myth that PTSD makes people violent. It does not MAKE anyone violent. This is a stereotype that plagues combat vets with PTSD. Supporters come on here all the time excusing this bullshit because they think their poor little abusers "can't help it".

Can it cause rage? Yes. It causes rage. But people are not animals. If somebody isn't violent by nature PTSD isn't going to cause them to be violent. Rage is a feeling. Violence is an action. PTSD causes feelings, not actions. If your partner is violent, lies, cheats, steals, or kicks puppies it's because they're a wife beater, a liar, a cheater, a theif, or a puppy kicker, not because they have PTSD.

 

[Freida]

@Sweetpea76 is correct! I'm a vet withh ptsd and I have NEVER been violent with my spouse. I may get snarky and sarcastic but never aggressive. Ptsd may be to blame for making things worse...But that's things that were there to begin with. Ptsd didn't create them

Conclusions
Although PTSD is associated with increased risk of violence, most people with PTSD have never engaged in violence. Research suggests that when risk and protective factors correlated with PTSD are considered, the association between PTSD and violence diminishes (2,3). Consequently, it is important to consider a wide array of risk factors in addition to PTSD in order to understand the relationship between PTSD and violence.I

 

[thereislightattheend]

Shy, that isn't PTSD behavior. That's Abuse. PTSD doesn't make people abuse their partners.

It's h...

I spent 25 years with an abusive man. 100% yes you should leave. He needs to get himself help and you need to live a good life. You only get one. It's not your job to fix him.