Asking For Help (dbt)

[EveHarrington]

I am taking part in the DBT challenge. I just read the parts in my DBT book on asking for help. This really hits home for me. This weekend I had a bad episode and couldn't ask for help in the right way. It upset a number of people, which unfortunately just made things worse for me. I know I need to learn how to ask for help the right way. I know my recovery depends on it.

Somehow asking for help about how to ask for help doesn't seem so bad. When it comes to more serious things, I am at a loss. (I start to shake and want to cry when just thinking about it.)

So I am asking you all how I can reach out to people and express my needs/wants in effective ways.

Have you struggled with asking for help, too? What has helped you get over this hurdle? Are there certain things you said? Are there certain things you did?

Please share with me what has worked for you.

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

My internet access isn't all that great right now so please forgive me if it takes me some time to reply.

Thank you!

 

[ghotiff]

To ask for help effectively I think you need to ask for something the other person both can, and is willing to give.

I'm not suggesting this is you but I've noticed on this forum people reaching out in the 3D world when wanting to self harm, then feeling rejected. I think what might happen is that the person asks for "help" and the helper doesn't know what to do, and feels trapped into responsibility to stop the asker from self harming.

If the asker asks for eg please talk to me on the phone for 30min about fun things because it helps me distract from self harming.....this is something the helper can give.
If the asker asks for a more general help of eg please talk to me so I don't self harm.....this puts the responsibility on the helper for something they can't control, it's unfair and the helper will often reject this request.

Does that make sense? Does it help?

 

[Sideways]

I hate asking for help. It frightens me.

Asking for help, even when I know it's appropriate & that the person desperately wants to help - I'm basically admitting that I'm vulnerable. For lack of a better word, that's really 'uncomfortable' for me...

 

[EveHarrington]

To ask for help effectively I think you need to ask for something the other person both can, and is will...

Yes, this is very helpful to me and exactly the kind of response I was hoping to get! (Not that I wouldn't appreciate other kinds of responses; rather this is very helpful for me to hear and gives me a starting point.)

Thank you very much. I will try being explicit in what I am asking for to see if I get a better response.

 

[EveHarrington]

I hate asking for help. It frightens me.

Asking for help, even when I know it's appropriate & t...

Yes, I think you are on to something with the vulnerability bit. I don't like putting myself out there. I avoid feeling vulnerable at all costs.

I think we can overcome this though! For me, figuring out the exact issue is half the problem.

 

[Friday]

Love what @digger had to say. :D That's #2 on my list!

#1 (When asking a question) Before asking? Be okay with either answer; Yes or No.

If I'm not okay with being told no? Then I don't ask until I can get myself okay with it. Ideally until I can smile -for real- and thank them for considering it. This is one of those things that has amaaaaazing effect over time. People who interact with me regularly know I'm always okay wih being told no. Ironically? This means they say "yes" far more frequently. They also say "yes if" a lot more / qualify their yes / whereas before I would probably get a no. I can literally watch people shift from ...hemming & hawing no's, to yes if, to yes absolutely... Over time. It's kind of cool in and of itself. Their no's also lose the heavy weight of guilt/obligation/irritation at being asked, and just become straight up no's, which is a personal relief to me. Watching people want to say no, but feeling obligated to say yes, makes my teeth itch.

#2 Only ask for what people can give, and ideally what I know they're willing to give.

((Ditto Digz))

#3 Be specific (as possible)

What you want? What you need? LOL. While sure, there are honestly times I'm clueless what I need/want, since I'm the one inside my own head & heart, I'm sorta best placed to figure that out. I only take "IDK what I'm asking for???" to people if I'm willing to have that blow up in my face, & or have them be equally clueless as I am.

#4 Be open to compromise (yes, if) & willing to hear out alternatives (no, but),

this doesn't mean I'm obligated to accept their compromise. When I propose something? They can say yes/no/counter. That counter offer? I can say yes/no/counter, too.

#5 I skipped Mindreading 101 in College ;)

- Don't decide for them. Meaning I don't have an imaginary conversation in my head where they tell me no, or I can't imagine why they'd say yes, so I don't bother asking them in real life.

- Don't get angry at someone (or disappointed at, or whatever at) for not reading my mind, and either not proposing what I need/want without being asked... Nor... If I've had that imaginary conversation in my head and already divined their answer :p

((Maybe you've never done this. I've done it a lot. "I should ask so&so for XYZ. No. Why would they ever do XYZ for me? They don't do XYZ for me!!! Grrrr. Why don't they do XYZ for me??? Sob." Cough. Yeah. :rolleyes: Poor so&so. There they were, mindin their own business, & I've gone and had a fight with them in my head. So now I'm all disappointed with them & angry with them, when. they. have. literally. done. nothing. to. deserve. it. This one ties very firmly in with #1 ...be okay with either answer... Because, if anything, it's even more ridiculous to be disappointed or angry with someone that I haven't even asked, yet. But have I done that? Snort. Yes.))

 

[willing]

the person asks for "help" and the helper doesn't know what to do, and feels trapped into responsibility to stop the asker from self harming.

So perfect and true. I really never thought of looking at what others can give me. OMG like I really wish my dad would step up and be closer to me without me feeling awkward and out of sorts (I feel awkward because he isn't a touchy, emotion emitting kind of father), but I do know that we both like to cook. Maybe if I asked him to cook lasagna with me would be a good way to start bridging that gap. An easier thing to ask to cook with him than to ask for a hug. Besides cooking lasts longer than a hug :) Wow, what a concept ghotiff!

Eve - weird thing is yesterday a peer counselor gave me some presentation notes on DBT… I don't know what DBT is about but WEIRD that I see your post first thing when I logged in today. I hope DBT helps you too in your current situation.

 

[Milo's papa]

I hate asking for help. It frightens me.

Asking for help, even when I know it's appropriate & t...

That's exacly how I am. I have always felt that asking for help, even at work, when I know I absolutey need it shws that I'm not competent. I'm sorry I can't help you with this.

 

[Anarchy]

That's exacly how I am. I have always felt that asking for help, even at work, when I know I absolutey need it shws that I'm not competent. I'm sorry I can't help you with this.

Me too
It usually resulted in shaming;
Stupid, useless, lazy...

 

[EveHarrington]

Love what @digger had to say. :D That's #2 on my list!

#1 (When asking a ques...

Wow, this is an incredible reply! Thank you so much for going into such detail. I am going to reference this in the future and use these steps when I'm asking someone for something.

 

[EveHarrington]

So perfect and true. I really never thought of looking at what others can give me. OMG like I really wish...

Hi Willing,

There is currently a mindfulness and DBT challenge happening here on the forum. It's not too late to join if you are interested. @Anarchy is doing much of the organizing (& @Ms Spock too). If you are interested you can message Anarchy as we are all conversing via PM and I think he can add you to the conversation. I'm learning a lot!

 

[ms spock]

@EveHarrington I am actually not organising - I am just a participant this time around. But as always, I have plenty to say! :D