backwardsforwards
New Here
Hello,
I've been following the forum's twitter for a long time and keep coming to have a look, having a look round and all that, and tonight for some reason I've felt the need to post and I'm sorry this is long and could be longer to be honest.
When I was 17 (I think I was 17 anyway) someone I'd gotten to know and trust sexually assaulted me while his mum cooked Sunday lunch in the kitchen just feet away. He was 20 years older than me.
For years and years I blanked it out, I'd been brought up to not make a fuss about things, my mum had psychiatric problems, including a spell in a hospital after having a breakdown and trying to kill my dad (though that sounds more dramatic than it actually was) and for years, every time my parents had arguments I was brought into the room at the end or towards the end of that row and told that I was the reason why they were arguing because of their worry about me so I vividly remember thinking from a young age that everything I did had an impact (usually negative) on others,
We moved around 13 times before I was 17 because of my dad's job so i was always playing catch up at school, always a bit different, always so desperate to fit in. When mum had her breakdown, my older sister refused to go with me and my dad to visit mum but I went along to the psychiatric hospital.
Around that time and after mum came home, I was taking my mock exams and was physically sick in 2 of them and we went to the doctors and they said it was stress and worry about family situation, we walked out that doctors and never discussed it again and each time there were rows and arguments, I'd try and soothe them and go upstairs after and cry.
I'm telling you all this to try and show how it wasn't in me to make a fuss, I didn't have much confidence as a child except in singing and I didn't want to cause more stress and worry and to be honest right after the assault when we walked me back to the station for me to go home, I remember feeling confused and like I should be happy but wasn't.
I don't know and can't remember if it happened other times, because I've blanked out dates then I can't remember if I stayed again, I do remember the relief I felt when I started hanging around with a girl my age at the matches I went to but how he phoned up my parents to tell them she was bad for me and I remember thinking 'If only you knew'. He came to our house once and we went to somewhere local, and all I noticed was the aftershave.
Eventually, we lost touch because he was a sad miserable sod as much as anything else, I carried on with life, even made up with and apologised at one for 'deserting' him and I started to build confidence in myself, started to have boyfriends but froze each time and I thought I was a freak, had counselling here there and everywhere but it never helped.
Then i got on a bus in 2009 and someone sat in front of me with the same aftershave, and I felt shaky, sick, tearful and had to get off and I remember talking to a counselor I was seeing at the time and he was the first person I mentioned it to and he said it didn't sound good what had happened but I stopped going soon after.
Eventually in 2012, someone at a hospital after I asked to be referred cause I was tired of feeling like a freak said I should speak to rape crisis and it felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and I struggle to this day.
A few people know but they find it hard to talk about, I find it hard to talk about and even typing this makes me so tearful and shaky and I don't want to burden them, I keep trying to have counselling and was diagnosed with PTSD in 2015, I keep getting one step closer each time to unlocking things but I freeze and I guess I'm scared. I struggle with depression and anxiety and the triggers, I struggle with anger and grief at the life I imagined I'd have and I dunno, this is so long I'm sorry. I just feel tired.
I've been following the forum's twitter for a long time and keep coming to have a look, having a look round and all that, and tonight for some reason I've felt the need to post and I'm sorry this is long and could be longer to be honest.
When I was 17 (I think I was 17 anyway) someone I'd gotten to know and trust sexually assaulted me while his mum cooked Sunday lunch in the kitchen just feet away. He was 20 years older than me.
For years and years I blanked it out, I'd been brought up to not make a fuss about things, my mum had psychiatric problems, including a spell in a hospital after having a breakdown and trying to kill my dad (though that sounds more dramatic than it actually was) and for years, every time my parents had arguments I was brought into the room at the end or towards the end of that row and told that I was the reason why they were arguing because of their worry about me so I vividly remember thinking from a young age that everything I did had an impact (usually negative) on others,
We moved around 13 times before I was 17 because of my dad's job so i was always playing catch up at school, always a bit different, always so desperate to fit in. When mum had her breakdown, my older sister refused to go with me and my dad to visit mum but I went along to the psychiatric hospital.
Around that time and after mum came home, I was taking my mock exams and was physically sick in 2 of them and we went to the doctors and they said it was stress and worry about family situation, we walked out that doctors and never discussed it again and each time there were rows and arguments, I'd try and soothe them and go upstairs after and cry.
I'm telling you all this to try and show how it wasn't in me to make a fuss, I didn't have much confidence as a child except in singing and I didn't want to cause more stress and worry and to be honest right after the assault when we walked me back to the station for me to go home, I remember feeling confused and like I should be happy but wasn't.
I don't know and can't remember if it happened other times, because I've blanked out dates then I can't remember if I stayed again, I do remember the relief I felt when I started hanging around with a girl my age at the matches I went to but how he phoned up my parents to tell them she was bad for me and I remember thinking 'If only you knew'. He came to our house once and we went to somewhere local, and all I noticed was the aftershave.
Eventually, we lost touch because he was a sad miserable sod as much as anything else, I carried on with life, even made up with and apologised at one for 'deserting' him and I started to build confidence in myself, started to have boyfriends but froze each time and I thought I was a freak, had counselling here there and everywhere but it never helped.
Then i got on a bus in 2009 and someone sat in front of me with the same aftershave, and I felt shaky, sick, tearful and had to get off and I remember talking to a counselor I was seeing at the time and he was the first person I mentioned it to and he said it didn't sound good what had happened but I stopped going soon after.
Eventually in 2012, someone at a hospital after I asked to be referred cause I was tired of feeling like a freak said I should speak to rape crisis and it felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach and I struggle to this day.
A few people know but they find it hard to talk about, I find it hard to talk about and even typing this makes me so tearful and shaky and I don't want to burden them, I keep trying to have counselling and was diagnosed with PTSD in 2015, I keep getting one step closer each time to unlocking things but I freeze and I guess I'm scared. I struggle with depression and anxiety and the triggers, I struggle with anger and grief at the life I imagined I'd have and I dunno, this is so long I'm sorry. I just feel tired.
