Other Attachment disorders

[shimmerz]

@ ghotiff , yes this is true. However with all of the children coming out of Romanian orphans in the 80's (late) and 90's it has been determined by some as an issue that can be researched as they age. I have had this conversation with both of my t-docs in relation to my background. I used to talk to anyone and never have any fear which I am sure comes back to my attachment disorder. I am working through it quite well by learning to not be as open to others - and I found that this issue was key to keeping myself protected from those who prey on people like me. who are susceptible and indiscriminate in their attachments to others.

@Pencil, yes, I absolutely mislabeled this as RAD - as RAD is specific to children (and I must consider this as I do my inner work) as to how it affects me now. So yes, this should be Attachment Disorder. It may not be a label yet, but I do know that it suits me to look at the issues laid out here in the criterion as it has followed me in my relationships.

I understand your two children issue. I too as an adult have been told I was low overhead. When things fell apart I was forced to accept help from others which killed me inside. There was something so frightening about that. I am very socially active but didn't realize it wasn't a give and take. I was simply giving and refused to take.

 

[ghotiff]

Sorry, I didn't appreciate the different terms. My post above was about RAD.

 

[shimmerz]

Oh, no problem @ghotiff - it is confusing because there is no official designation or label for people who were RAD as infants and grown into an attachment disorder as I understand it. I just know what I feel and what I have had to work on. Please, there is no need to say sorry. No offense was taken at all. As I said this is 'uncharted territory' right now. :) Besides, it was my mistake as I titled this post 'Reactive' so I get to say sorry! :confused:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@shimmerz Would you prefer and feel in may be more helpful that the title said "attachment disorder' and 'reactive' taken out?

The first post does ask if anyone has attachment disorders.

 

[Pencil]

I said I'd be back, but I find it very difficult to continue, as it makes me think of the last attachment with the ex therapist, and it is something I still find very difficult to process.

In short, the child attaches, like a traumatized child. This happens completely out of the blue, with total strangers, as well as whenever I get close to someone. Need I point out that it wreaks havoc in those relationships. The only remedy was for the adult to take charge and keep myself out of situations where the child could attach - for 9 years. Then, in the middle of a 'crisis' it happened, with a therapist, which was the thing that tipped me over the edge, and was the direct cause of my meltdown in 2012. This is always difficult to explain - not impossible, just long and complicated. It took the child a year of hanging on, and then suddenly disconnecting, and as an adult I could not steer or influence the situation or feelings or ... whatever.

I don't know if this makes any sense.

 

[shimmerz]

@Ayesha, yes please!! Thank you!!!

 

[Pencil]

Different parts of me attach differently, which makes it seem like disorganised attachment on the surface, but it isn't, as each part has a clear attachment style.

Now you, @shimmerz.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

May I ask if there are others out there with Attachment Disorders? If so, I would be interested in your experiences.

Ok back on topic, terminology be darned, lol.

Yes, I have features of an attachment disorder, but I have never been diagnosed with a full blown attachment disorder of my own. And let me just say it sucks. I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone. I feel like I have no idea what I should do when in any sort of relationship. OH, don't get me wrong, guys want sex and yeah, I can give them sex, but in terms of actually attaching to another person, I don't think I have this capability.

I am CONSTANTLY guessing what my next move should be, but I ALWAYS get it wrong. It is EXHAUSTING to say the least, since there's no manual or flow chart that can be used with relationships. "If "this" then "that", UNLESS....and in such a case, you do "zip" then "zap" UGH! I never get it right. I drive everyone crazy! Unless the scenario is scripted (ie clerk at the store), I get it wrong.

Social situations are a nightmare! I never initiate friendships because I can't stand the rejection. I don't even know how to start being someone's friend and it all feels so incredibly awkward. And then in the end, I always end up alone again so I wonder what was the point in the first place when I am happy all by myself anyway?

Lost someone else today, but we hadn't even gotten to the friendship stage yet. He just said "Stop, I can't take it anymore!" Such is my life. I won't contact him again.

Gonna get off the forums for a bit. I really just want to cry. Is there any hope when you mess up things from the very beginning and have people telling you that you're just too much? I really do want to give up. I'm tired of playing a guessing game in a house of mirrors. I WILL NEVER WIN!

 

[Pencil]

Lost someone else today, but we hadn't even gotten to the friendship stage yet. He just said "Stop, I can't take it anymore!" Such is my life. I won't contact him again.

@Solara, I see you on the forum again and again being very incisive and astute. I know the problem you experience seems to lie in that gap between the intellect and emotions, and that analysis is not always the way to go about dealing with emotions. But even so, leaving the emotional and social aside for now, could you look at at that one statement (quoted) as if it was made by someone else, and give an honest assessment?

 

[shimmerz]

@Pencil I have been thinking about your post. I think done a ton of work on attachment and me. All of my life I have presented as a very social and open person. Too open. It was a dangerous game I was playing although I didn't know that everyone was not like me. That was part of the problem. I would initiate talk to strangers as if they were my friends.

If I was out walking I would have open body language and my eyes would invite anyone to approach me. I didn't realize there was a problem with this. I remember being approached over and over again by men. I didn't realize at the time that it was not normal to indiscriminately open myself up. It must have been hell for my adopted parents. It drove my mother wild, especially when I hit my teenage years. The only thing she knew to do was to ground me all the time which of course drove me out of the house at a very early age. This put me at further risk. I trusted everyone. It got me into huge trouble many times.

With my close friends of which I had many that most likely I should not have called friends, they told me (before my meltdown) that I was a very low maintenance friend as I asked nothing of them and gave my all in return. Some of them bailed when I actually needed help as they did not know how to process this. The friends I have known for decades said that I was very 'controlled' emotionally as I did not cry, nor did I show any real emotion although they enjoyed my company as I was seen by most as a very loving and caring person.

The problem was that psychopaths would see that in me and take me for rides into uncharted territories for one so naive. To me it didn't matter what the cost of a friendship was to me - if you were my friend you were in for life. I saw friendship and socialization as a very black and white thing. As I have lost my black and white thinking and am tuning into shades of grey I notice that I have been able to pinpoint better the people who are a good energetic match for me and those who are not. I have been able to move people out of my life that I had no business hanging out with and have closed up certain aspects of other's that didn't serve me.

So now I don't initiate eye contact when I walk down the street. I also can see the good pieces of people who match with my belief systems while accepting them even if I don't match in other areas of life with them.

So for me, I believe it is not so much a 'part of me' attaches differently, although i will give that one more thought, but instead because of my pre 2 years situation, I had gotten into the habit of 'needing' to read eyes and get a warm response back in order to know that I was safe. An interesting sidenote is that as I stopped consciously from looking at strangers eyes as they passed, I would literally feel as if I was going to be attacked from behind as they walked by. So I am guessing I needed to attach by the eyes (as that is the only way a toddler would really have to read others) to see if I could judge someone's character as being either good or bad. I think I was literally beseeching a warm response so that I could be assured that I was safe.

The problem with that is that certain types of people know that look and can prey upon it. As if they know that someone like myself could be fooled easily by giving me warm eyes but then completely screw with my head because I thought they were one thing when in fact they were someone else and I had already set (with my black and white thinking) that this person was good.

@Solara I am so sorry that you have been hurt once again. That is a difficult thing as it can be that the more often we feel betrayed or misunderstood or hurt, the more the belief system is that 'this will never improve'. Try if you can to challenge that thinking. Take a break but please don't give up. I am certain you can get somewhere with it.

 

[Pencil]

@shimmerz, have you discovered the joy and convenience of sun glasses?

 

[shimmerz]

@Pencil lol. Yes, but unfortunately I had to do this one sans sun glasses. It just wouldn't have been the joyous experience that it was. Uuuuuggghhhhh! :cool: ;)