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- #25
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Other Attachment disorders
- Post starter shimmerz
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D
Deleted member 1860
@Pencil,
I don't know how to do that. I don't understand emotions. It drives people nuts when I need everything spelled out.
Emotions are a guessing game. Is the person being truthful or manipulative? Growing up it was always manipulative. So I learned to ask. That served me well for awhile, but I fear I'm back to playing the guessing game where I always guess wrong.
I don't know how to do that. I don't understand emotions. It drives people nuts when I need everything spelled out.
Emotions are a guessing game. Is the person being truthful or manipulative? Growing up it was always manipulative. So I learned to ask. That served me well for awhile, but I fear I'm back to playing the guessing game where I always guess wrong.
- Post starter
- #27
D
Deleted member 1860
@shimmerz,
If I guess wrong or I do wrong then it is game over. It was always a matter of must having to do what everyone else wants of me in order to just get through. It's the only way I know people will like me, if I do what they want, so I always ask what they want because I can't read signals well. I can fake it for awhile before people get pissed and think I'm just playing a game with them. I'm not! I just don't understand emotions. I can't trust them because they are evil little daggers that people use to hurt you, not care about you.
The only love I feel is from god. Everyone else could walk away tomorrow and is just say "that was expected"
If I guess wrong or I do wrong then it is game over. It was always a matter of must having to do what everyone else wants of me in order to just get through. It's the only way I know people will like me, if I do what they want, so I always ask what they want because I can't read signals well. I can fake it for awhile before people get pissed and think I'm just playing a game with them. I'm not! I just don't understand emotions. I can't trust them because they are evil little daggers that people use to hurt you, not care about you.
The only love I feel is from god. Everyone else could walk away tomorrow and is just say "that was expected"
- Post starter
- #29
Ahhh, @Solara that must be so difficult. Incredibly insightful as well. You openness is to be admired.
I see some things in your posting but I won't offer my thoughts unless asked. I just want you to know that I hear your pain and I do care about it. That may be hard to process but I truly do mean it.
Love and Light
Shimmerz
I see some things in your posting but I won't offer my thoughts unless asked. I just want you to know that I hear your pain and I do care about it. That may be hard to process but I truly do mean it.
Love and Light
Shimmerz
D
Deleted member 1860
@shimmerz,
Please give me your thoughts. I can't possibly get any more lost.
Please give me your thoughts. I can't possibly get any more lost.
- Post starter
- #31
@ solara. I will keep this short because I know when I am lost I can't take in a ton.
One thing about trust issues that a very wise shaman/crisis worker taught me.
You can trust a liar to lie.
You can trust a nerd to be a nerd (I can say that because I work with computers).
You can trust a funny person to be funny.
You can trust a giver to give.
Each of these elements can be in one single person. But can you trust yourself to be open to see the good as well as the bad? To simply stand back and see the good and the bad? We are all diamonds in the rough in some way or another.
One thing about trust issues that a very wise shaman/crisis worker taught me.
You can trust a liar to lie.
You can trust a nerd to be a nerd (I can say that because I work with computers).
You can trust a funny person to be funny.
You can trust a giver to give.
Each of these elements can be in one single person. But can you trust yourself to be open to see the good as well as the bad? To simply stand back and see the good and the bad? We are all diamonds in the rough in some way or another.
D
Deleted member 1860
@shimmerz,
I will work on it.
My biggest fear is that people expect me to be all "Diamond" and no "rough". This was magnified 100 fold when my PTSD came to light and I lost almost everyone a few years ago. Now I still have the fear of needing to be perfect to be accepted.
I will work on it.
My biggest fear is that people expect me to be all "Diamond" and no "rough". This was magnified 100 fold when my PTSD came to light and I lost almost everyone a few years ago. Now I still have the fear of needing to be perfect to be accepted.
- Post starter
- #33
@Solara I hear you. I lost many people as well. I found myself lonely for a time and then came to realize that they were not the right people for me. Keep moving forward solara. It hurts but keep learning. Worry only about what you expect of you and be kind to you. The rest will fall into place.
Justmehere
Sponsor
I have a "disorganized" attachment pattern. I used to have somewhat preoccuiped style, and now, I'm more avoidant - and I never expect anyone to be around for longer than the actually moment I am interacting with them.
I am working with a therapist who specializes in somatic experiencing, exposure therapy, traumatic transference and how attachment patterns get screwed up. She says that over time, I can develop what is called "earned secure attachment." My therapist says attachment patterns change through experience, not just through sheer willpower (which is what I had been trying to do).
When I first started going to therapy with her, I was actually mildly surprised her office was still there every week. I wasn't shocked, but it struck me that I didn't quite expect her to be there in the most basic sense, and it didn't shake me up. If somehow she was suddenly no longer there, I would have been like "huh, ok. that sucks." And I would have carried on about my day. It's not out of a lack of care and concern... it's that so many people have left, it has almost become dangerous for me to expect anyone to stick around.
It's changing. As I do the work to process the trauma, and to try to stay in relationship with my therapist, I am beginning to change. It's quite strange. Sometimes, I feel so desperately scared to connect with her at all, other times, I feel nothing, and at other times, it is just a lot of work to push myself to stay connected to my therapist. Or anyone else. I don't quite understand why.
I am working on trying to stay away from relationships that I am super drawn towards. Invariably, those relationships end up being bad for me one way or another.
Right now I am really struggling with a pattern of being quite scared to initiate or maintain a relationship. It's so intensely panic provoking - I can't figure out if it is attachment related, social anxiety, or some thing else.
Argh, my thoughts about my experiences with this are rather jumbled up - it is a very good topic though!
I am working with a therapist who specializes in somatic experiencing, exposure therapy, traumatic transference and how attachment patterns get screwed up. She says that over time, I can develop what is called "earned secure attachment." My therapist says attachment patterns change through experience, not just through sheer willpower (which is what I had been trying to do).
When I first started going to therapy with her, I was actually mildly surprised her office was still there every week. I wasn't shocked, but it struck me that I didn't quite expect her to be there in the most basic sense, and it didn't shake me up. If somehow she was suddenly no longer there, I would have been like "huh, ok. that sucks." And I would have carried on about my day. It's not out of a lack of care and concern... it's that so many people have left, it has almost become dangerous for me to expect anyone to stick around.
It's changing. As I do the work to process the trauma, and to try to stay in relationship with my therapist, I am beginning to change. It's quite strange. Sometimes, I feel so desperately scared to connect with her at all, other times, I feel nothing, and at other times, it is just a lot of work to push myself to stay connected to my therapist. Or anyone else. I don't quite understand why.
I am working on trying to stay away from relationships that I am super drawn towards. Invariably, those relationships end up being bad for me one way or another.
Right now I am really struggling with a pattern of being quite scared to initiate or maintain a relationship. It's so intensely panic provoking - I can't figure out if it is attachment related, social anxiety, or some thing else.
Argh, my thoughts about my experiences with this are rather jumbled up - it is a very good topic though!
- Post starter
- #35
This is it! What I have been looking for! Thank you Justmehere! I have googled it and there is lots of stuff on it. What surprises me is that there are scholarly articles here and talk about it from well known therapists but nothing concrete in the DSM V for adult attachment issues.
Niiiccceee!
Boy do I know this feeling! I am still working on it but this information you have posted is beautiful! Thanks again.
D
Deleted member 12723
There was a season in my life when I wore sunglasses all of the time even indoors as I did better hiding my eyes. I eventually outgrew this. Interesting thread.
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