Other Attachment disorders

[Deleted member 1860]

Should I go start my own thread? I am intruding here. Story of my life.

 

[shimmerz]

No, no I don't think so @Solara. It doesn't feel like you are intruding. You are speaking of attachment stuff. I kinda put out the story of my life here too! :)

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi all. Forgive me if the interest and discussion of attachment (disorders) on this thread has has passed.

From my previous Internet research regarding attachment, I have learned (some of this has been stated previously, so forgive any repetition):

• RAD is a diagnosis only given to young children. Specifically, the symptoms must be present under the age of 5 years.
• There is no actual diagnosis for an attachment disorder in adults.
• There are four attachment styles in adults, as identified by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in their Attachment Theory: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.

One could infer that if there are issues with "secure" attachment in adulthood, there were likely issues present in childhood - diagnosed at that time or not.

This whole idea of attachment is something that is still rather new to me and one I have been pondering recently. As such, I don't have a while lot to add in regards to myself personally, but I thought I would add some facts, as I've come to learn them.

 

[shimmerz]

This site seems to explain pretty well the Earned Secure Attachment. I looked at a few but this seemed like a posting that wasn't so academic in its slant. If you want to bypass all the different styles just scroll down to see the proper heading.

http://lightalive.blogspot.ca/2010/10/earned-secure-attachment.html

 

[Justmehere]

@Solara - for what it is worth, which isn't much, I hope you keep posting about it. I think you are right on topic. I don't exactly know what it is like for you, but can relate to some of what you describe and it helps somehow.

 

[shimmerz]

for what it is worth, which isn't much,

I beg to differ @Justmehere but from what I have seen of your posts your input is very valuable.
@Solara I have to say that yours is too.

 

[Justmehere]

@shimmerz - aw, thanks. I'm working in learning to accept compliments. You have great things to post too! I finally had a chance to read the links and they are exactly like some of what my therapist has explained to me.

I used to think I would never be able to have more of that earned secure attachment style, but my therapist says, "if you don't give up, I have no doubt you will get there."

We have also talked a lot about how those with preoccupied styles tend to be attracted to people who are disorganized or avoidant, and vice versa. It never fails that the people I'm most attracted to have a tendency to abandon relationships or be unavailable a lot, and yet people drawn to me tend to be overly preoccupied in the attachment to me and I struggle not to pull away and completely shut down.

Slowly I'm finding more comfort around more steady but responsive people like my therapist, but dang it's a lot of work! But has been worth it so far.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

FULLY edited, hit the "post" button instead of the delete button. OOPS.

I have been doing a bit of research on reactive attachment disorder and the more I read, the angrier I get. Maybe I should just stop while I'm ahead and go off on some tangential rant about how people need to think before they have kids and maybe the government shouldn't be so strict about their birth control policies when you end up with SO many unwanted kids who would have turned out a lot better if they just had parents who loved them!

But I'll stop.

I get frustrated because I don't know which direction is up yet get blamed when I don't know the basics of how to enter into a relationship or I don't know how to appropriately express affection and more often than not, guys just don't want anything to do with me from the very beginning, when I make some horrible mistake that I didn't even know I was making.

UGH.

 

[shimmerz]

@Solara, I have something going on right now but would like to address this while I am in a space where I can really attend to your post with concentration. I would love to post right now so please don't feel I am dismissing you.

 

[shimmerz]

@Solara, I felt so badly not being able to get to you right away. My apologies for being so late in my response. I got on this as soon as I was freed up and am being careful as to my wording as I know you are vulnerable right now. Please forgive me if I miss the mark altogether. If you can trust just one thing, please trust this. Your pain does matter to me. I am not here to make it any worse than it already feels.

and the more I read, the angrier I get

You are articulating really well, especially given how close this is to you right now as you mentioned in your post earlier on. You deserve a ton of credit for that. What I am worried about is that you are too close to that event to be able to take the information you were reading today without triggering yourself more than you already are. Guessing what others need is next to impossible. Feeling beat before you even begin is morale crushing. I so feel for you.

SO many unwanted kids who would have turned out a lot better if they just had parents who loved them!

Yup. I was one of those. My twin paid the ultimate price by dying but at times I think she got the better end of the deal. I have paid a price every single day for the mistakes my parents (birth, 18 foster parents and finally adoptive) made with me. Seriously, I laugh when I talk about it - but what are the odds? That many parents and I couldn't get one set right? I am not trying to make this about me - just trying to get to something here so bear with me if you will.

You and each one of us have a million justifiable reasons to be seething angry, wall smashing, beat someone's brains in, punch until you can't anymore, seething anger. It is way beyond most's comprehension. I admire and have envy (not in a good way) for my friends that actually have parents who love them. My heart literally aches when I get to witness what I never had the opportunity to experience. And to know that I will never, ever have the opportunity to feel the love of a parent in my life to me is such a devastating feeling. Hopeless. *Deep breath*. My parents died 30+ years ago and I had to go this journey all alone. I can't ask them why they didn't tell me what I felt I had the right to know, they can't fess up to their lies to me. It is all up to me. Son of a b.....gun.

But I'll stop.

Nice self control. Great self regulation. But when you stop, where does the anger go? Do you push it down further or have you found a means of being able to release it? Not forget it. Not forgive it. But to get it out of you.

I get frustrated because I don't know which direction is up

Yup. Well, I think I know which direction is up but others tell me it is down and I just don't comprehend that. I am misunderstood often. I didn't even know it for 47 years! As much as I couldn't understand others, I finally realized that others didn't understand me. That was tough.

I don't know the basics

Oh, yes, you know the basics. You learned really really really well so many adaptive behaviours. Problem is those basics don't apply right now although they most likely kept you safe most of your younger life. So please, give yourself credit as you DID learn the basics, the intermediate, and the advanced courses ad nauseum in survival. And that p*sses me off for you AND for me AND for everyone on this board. Survival sucks. It just sucks the life out of us. It is thriving that feeds our souls.

when I make some horrible mistake that I didn't even know I was making.

Agreed. Where is the justice in that? Where is the justice in any of this freaking crap! I know, I heard it a million times from my parents. "Life isn't fair". Well why the hell does it have to be un-fairer for you and me and everyone here than anyone else? I finally got myself to a place that I realized it wasn't about fair. Fair had long since been stripped away from me. Lost forever. So instead of fair I aim for repair. That didn't seem fair either. Why should I have to repair what someone else did to me? That was wrong. That just seemed SO wrong. But the anger was killing me. I wasn't thriving and I was determined to stop just surviving.

I switched focus from anger to purpose. If it couldn't be fair there had to have been a purpose and it was up to me to find it so I could repair myself. Purpose acts as an excellent means of redirecting anger into something that is productive. I highly recommend Viktor Frankle's book "Man's Search for Meaning" to try to get to purpose. If you can't find the book please let me know and I will email it to you if you feel it calls to you.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/4069.Man_s_Search_for_Meaning

A launching pad towards healing from a place of anger will act like quicksand. You will sink farther into it with every movement. the best place to launch from is one of purpose. You may need to let this sink in a bit (or a lot) and you may even find it offensive to think there is a purpose, and that by finding a purpose you are letting your abusers off the hook. You aren't. You are getting yourself off the hook. That is purpose in and of itself.

If this doesn't call to you then I am not offended in any way. I am here lots if you need something. I can guarantee you I am far from always right, but I will always try to help the best way I know how.
Love and Light
Shimmerz

 

[Pencil]

Solara, my first reaction was to wait for your response to Shimmerz before commenting, but then thought it would actually be an illustration of how different people can respond to the same thing in different ways. And it would be interesting to see if you regard the individual responses as totally wrong, partially wrong or correct. When it comes to emotions there are no perfect fits.

Earlier in this thread you said that you trust the therapy process, but not the therapist. I've been reading that in your posts for over a year, and I wonder why you don't do 'the bonding thing' with a therapist. Would you mind giving me an idea?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@shimmerz,
I am starting a new thread as it's too much for here. Please follow me there. (And others, too)

@Pencil,
I have bonded with a few therapists in the past. But, more often than not, trying to bond created issues. Then I had a therapist suggest trusting in the process, not the therapist, and it worked! I was finally able to go through therapy without fighting my therapist at every step of the way. I know it's not for everyone, but if I hadn't done that I'd still be sitting in some random therapists office fighting about not opening up because I didn't trust her. (this happened with a LOT of therapists!)