You know, I often feel like I am more my EP than ANP - no wonder my life is a mess. What's more, according to the literature, there are always more than one EP. I'm not really aware of another, for which I'm grateful because I only became fully aware of this in the last year. I always FELT it, but couldn't distinguish, and never realised that I switched when I did, to me it was always 'me' with different, annoying moods.
The funny thing is that it has now become a lot 'worse', perhaps just more intense: The one does not have the memories of the other. It's as if I'm becoming more 'split'. This ties in with the whole self-care issue as well. It's as if the idea of 'taking care of the EP has caused a distancing.
Without all of this background, that is shared, it is IMPOSSIBLE to talk about this. I've been trying to say exactly what I've been saying the last two days for nearly a year now, here and to the therapist, but it comes out as rubbish, gobbledegook fluff.
And now, the Climax of this tragi-comedy: Physical contact that is RIGHT makes me curl up and go inside and takes me back to a place and time where I am intact. And this is why I firmly believe, no, I KNOW that that is the route for me. (If I can just ward off the school counselors and their intrusive stupid hugs.) I KNOW that talking and self care will be artificial and damaging. But it seems to me I'll have to emigrate to Australia - there it is mainstream. Where I live it is still considered 'unethical' - which brings me back to my boundary hysteria. Sigh. I'll have to trawl this forum and collect all my bits to create a complete picture.
