Attachment Issues

[safenow]

Okay. Let me see if I understand this correctly.

If you have an attachment disorder, that is a bad thing. But the only way you can be cured is by attachment to your therapist? Somehow that doesn't make any sense to me.

Can someone please explain to me how this works? I'm sorry. But I am retarded when it comes to human stuff.


You said that they said, "I needed long term therapy (a few years) twice a week."
Are you sure it is your interest they have in mind, and not money?

 

[Abstract]

I will get around to my original thoughts at some point hopefully :rolleyes: but in the mean time just a couple of things. I don't think we can force something such as attachment. I always believe in knowledge and information as I think it can help a lot. Unfortunately it can also increase pressure on us at times I think.

Attaching in an appropriate way (and that means being able to trust and depend but without over dependence, without fluctuations between desperate dependence and demonising; without consistence avoidance and no trust/need for contact) comes automatically as a result of a slow building of a relationship with a therapist. Its not something that can be rushed or even planned and can take years. In that time there will be misunderstandings and disappointments as well as moments of trust and belief. There will be acting out and there will be fear and projection. And all of that is "normal" in context of what you are dealing with.

The one thing I was going to say a while ago is that attachment issues are common even though they vary in intensity or presentation. I suspect an enormous amount of us on here have one. It is something that is basically usual for any trauma therapist to deal with. I know this feels overwhelming and impossible. But it isnt an all or nothing thing. Little steps are what life is often about. Success comes in being able to take little steps towards something that will bring you healing. It doesn't have to make you feel better even. It just has to be a positive step.


Just saw the last few posts. I saw one therapist for 5 years and I did not attach to her at all so I don't think seeing someone for a period of time results in it happening. I think it takes us working on the relationship and a good therapist. Sadly my therapist was hopeless when it came to trauma and I did not know I needed someone with that knowledge. Otherwise I am sure it could have been different.

 

[safenow]

It is something that is basically usual for any trauma therapist to deal with.

Thank you. You have answered most of my question. Bless your little pointed head. Giggle.

 

[Abstract]

an someone please explain to me how this works

Hi Safenow,
You are in no way retarded. :wideeyed: You are highly intelligent and intuitive in my opinion. Its just a psychology term so if you have not read that stuff you wouldnt know.

It means the ability to have a relationship with another human being in an appropriate way. To be able to trust and love whilst still being able to be our own person with our own sense of self and sense of autonomy. To not pull them closer then push them away. Or for some people they just never go near anyone and don't think they feel any need to. The idea of any close contact puts them off.

So different people can have different patterns in the way they handle relationships that cause their relationships to be unhealthy in some way or other. If someone is trapped in a pattern such as this then therapy gives the person a safe space to work out these patterns and improve them and finally trust and be able to have a suitable and healthy relationship with another person. I hope I managed to put it into words more or less.

 

[Abstract]

Pencil, I also wanted to say though that I do think just being in therapy and staying in it is especially hard for some people and I know it is for you. So I did not want to invalidate how difficult all this is for you. It is for me too believe me. But we are not the only ones. My thinking for myself is that therapy will not work for me with just any therapist. I need someone knowledgeable and with a good fit. And I need someone who does not push certain of my very vulnerable "buttons" too much. Thats my starting point. Then the biggest part of making it work is about discovering how I am reacting and why and to what. So that it gives the therapist and me a chance to resolve. That only comes with time. Believe I too wish it didnt!! :(

 

[Pencil]

If you have an attachment disorder, that is a bad thing. But the only way you can be cured is by attachment to your therapist?

Safenow, it is because attachment disorder denotes an inability to attach in a healthy way, and that is why one has to become attached to your therapist and go through all the tantrums, puking, freaking and running in circles that are inevitably part of such a process. In the process one sorts out the glitches and attach like a normal, sane, mature, rational human being :cool:

I recently discussed the attachment issue with a friend of mine who is shockingly together and has amazing interpersonal skills. I asked her if she was aware that humans needed to attach, and her response was almost one of 'Duh!'. She said she never consciously thought about it, and never used a term for it, but, yes, to her it was obvious.

You said that they said, "I needed long term therapy (a few years) twice a week."
Are you sure it is your interest they have in mind, and not money?

To me the 'proof' was the one who refused to work with me if I could not commit to twice a week. If she was interested in money, she would have grabbed me for once a week. No, I myself know that once a week stretches it out too much. I feel it in my psychic bones that I need to see a therapist at least twice a week. Rather not at all, like now, than only once a week. I know we have talked about the last one's issues with money, and that I could not trust her after that, but I think her issue with that still does not mean that I didn't need to see her twice a week.

 

[Pencil]

attach like a normal, sane, mature, rational human being

And that's the part Abstract describes - I can only describe the un-okay way of attaching :D

 

[Abstract]

not mean that I didn't need to see her twice a week

If you think this through - lets take the situation with her saying that you need to befriend the pain as an example - then how do you think seeing her twice a week would have changed the situation? Its not a trick question by the way! Just a question.

 

[Pencil]

I will get around to my original thoughts at some point hopefully

I'll wait, patiently :sleep:

 

[Pencil]

If you think this through - lets take the situation with her saying that you need to befriend the pain as an example - then how do you think seeing her twice a week would have changed the situation?

Mmm, it is a trick question! :D

Okay, no seriously, it is a hard one to answer. It derailed the process. A few weeks later, after having had only e-mail contact, she corrected herself, and apologized, saying that she meant that I had to accept myself in spite of having needs that I didn't want, and not the needs per se. That changed it dramatically (but by which time it was too late). If I had stayed in therapy we would have worked through this sooner. I felt SO threatened - and consumed - by this issue that it was hard to carry it (as with other upsets) for a week before dealing with it. It is often difficult to explain that the central issue for me is the relationship/attachment, and not the trauma stuff. I think the relationship has to be sorted out and established before I could even deal with all the childhood stuff - to me that is secondary. And in a way I think that when I could get the attachment/relationship thing right, the trauma/childhood/abuse would no longer have such an impact anyway.

Do you think this is a reasonable answer?

My thinking for myself is that therapy will not work for me with just any therapist.

Oh hell yes!

I saw one therapist for 5 years and I did not attach to her at all so I don't think seeing someone for a period of time results in it happening. I think it takes us working on the relationship and a good therapist. Sadly my therapist was hopeless when it came to trauma and I did not know I needed someone with that knowledge.

I relate. I once saw a therapist for about 6 months and we both spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling hoping for inspiration. There was no 'emotional window' open from my side. I would only have attached to her if we spent at least a year together, just the two of us, as castaways on an island.

And the irony, of course, is that I was such a reasonable, rational adult that I think she must have wondered why I was in therapy. As soon as there is an emotional window open I go completely nuts, and never get anywhere near the 6 month mark. :eek:

 

[Ice_Fire]

I've not looked at how this thread has developed, simply because I've been having/am having great difficulty with the whole issue. Put blunt,.I've buried my head in the sand, 'knowing' it on an intellectual level and kidding myself that that means I 'get it' and I'm fine.

Erm...will respond more fully in the morning.

 

[Abstract]

There is no way that I would have any hope of knowing the nuances of what happens between you and your therapist or what happens in your mind but from the very little that I have gathered from your posts in general this is what seems to happen and quite often: that you like the therapist a lot and then next minute something sets you off and she becomes the devil himself. You certainly are not alone in that and many react like that at times it seems. At that point you want to be away from her and you believe she doesn't know what she is doing at all (this is all just guesswork off course!). It seems you maybe struggle to hold onto the idea that she may have meant things differently to the way you perceive them. Or that you have liked what she has done the rest of the time.

I am not sure if you changed your mind about your reaction partially being because you were triggered and partly because you misunderstood what she meant (about the need issue). Personally I don't really see how you going twice a week would have stopped any of that happening but I of course know only a smattering of what occurred.

I totally understand how big the interpersonal stuff can be. It feels as traumatic for me as the trauma too in a respect and almost more problematic as I can't seem to get anywhere near the place where I can actually deal with the trauma. Andl I think it is enormous for many. To start a good percentage of those with complex PTSD have borderline personality disorder and the T relationship itself is going to be excruciating at least for them, just as it is for most of us with complex trauma.

However, sadly, I don't think the trauma itself magically goes away without dealing directly with it. But I do think healing interpersonal issues and trust is part of dealing directly with the trauma. Its an aspect of that trauma in a sense. So I think dealing with it does make everything so much easier and better. And although I don't think having totally normalised ones attachment issues first is a wise aim I do think that being able to have a reasonable level of trust in the relationship is extremely important before working on trauma. And being stable enough. You had not started trauma work I assuming. ?

But I truly think you need to forget about "attaching" as such and rather look at the little things that make up a relationship. Like letting someone explain themself when we don't like what they say for example. It won't be easy at all but it can and it does change with time and hard work. And I think things such as these are the building blocks to building healthy attachment. We all have obstacles that we have erected to stop that happening. I wonder if you see attaching healthily as just being able to need and love someone when I think its more about looking at what is in the way and dealing with these things as they come up. And along the way the extra magic ingredient is placed in the mix.

I am assuming you never went back to therapy the session after the week she said "need" stuff? Do you really think you would have gone if your scheduled session was 4 days away rather than 7?

Some straight talking here ;). Please know I may be very wrong in all of this and it is only something put out there for you to consider. I have very little information about what happens for you.