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Attachment Issues
- Post starter Pencil
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- #50
Abstract, I would love to respond to your last post now, but it is 3:40 in the morning .... I'm too tired to take everything in properly. Some of the things you say are correct, some not - but I'll elaborate in the morning.
In the mean time, could you tell me you seem to object to twice a week - or am I misreading you?
Let me just quickly explain what happened when I therapy ended, as two things happened in tandem: 1) I found the needs issue difficult to deal with (for complex reasons - some valid, some stupid) and 2) I had a financial setback, which made therapy impossible anyway. BUT, unfortunately, the therapist reacted to my news regarding finances with exaggerated concern for how it impacted on her ONLY. Not ONCE did she ask me how I felt about the loss of a huge contract, how it impacted on me financially and/or emotionally and/or professionally, she expressed zero concern for how I, with no support from family, and with a child, was going to cope.
When she e-mailed me the account, she stated that she felt I had to return to therapy as soon as possible - but only once the account was paid in full, and only if I were in a financial position to afford therapy. That's fair enough, but in that e-mail she once again did not express any concern regarding what 'was to become of me' should I not be in a financial position to return.
I found it odd (and perhaps you'll think I am oversensitive again) that she stressed the importance of being in therapy, and preferably twice a week, but did not even ask me how I was coping, and while the message was clear that if I did not recover financially, it was tough shit for me. I know clients pay their therapists to 'care', but her attitude felt almost mercenary. I've been finding it very difficult to see her as 'caring' or 'concerned' after that. I discussed this with Safenow privately, and that is why she is more focused on the 'exploitation' aspect.
Moreover, in our second last session she actually interrupted our discussion about the needs issue (and at that stage she muddled the issue further, it was only a month later that she clarified what she had meant in an email) to make it clear (for a second time during that session) that I had to cut back to once a week due to the money issue. This happened during the first session after the break. During the break I felt very secure and 'connected' to her. During that first session she was 'absent', the needs issue was still not clarified, the money issue made me feel uncomfortable. So, many things happened, and all got mixed up with one another.
Is this any clearer now? I'm too tired to check if I make sense.
In the mean time, could you tell me you seem to object to twice a week - or am I misreading you?
Let me just quickly explain what happened when I therapy ended, as two things happened in tandem: 1) I found the needs issue difficult to deal with (for complex reasons - some valid, some stupid) and 2) I had a financial setback, which made therapy impossible anyway. BUT, unfortunately, the therapist reacted to my news regarding finances with exaggerated concern for how it impacted on her ONLY. Not ONCE did she ask me how I felt about the loss of a huge contract, how it impacted on me financially and/or emotionally and/or professionally, she expressed zero concern for how I, with no support from family, and with a child, was going to cope.
When she e-mailed me the account, she stated that she felt I had to return to therapy as soon as possible - but only once the account was paid in full, and only if I were in a financial position to afford therapy. That's fair enough, but in that e-mail she once again did not express any concern regarding what 'was to become of me' should I not be in a financial position to return.
I found it odd (and perhaps you'll think I am oversensitive again) that she stressed the importance of being in therapy, and preferably twice a week, but did not even ask me how I was coping, and while the message was clear that if I did not recover financially, it was tough shit for me. I know clients pay their therapists to 'care', but her attitude felt almost mercenary. I've been finding it very difficult to see her as 'caring' or 'concerned' after that. I discussed this with Safenow privately, and that is why she is more focused on the 'exploitation' aspect.
Moreover, in our second last session she actually interrupted our discussion about the needs issue (and at that stage she muddled the issue further, it was only a month later that she clarified what she had meant in an email) to make it clear (for a second time during that session) that I had to cut back to once a week due to the money issue. This happened during the first session after the break. During the break I felt very secure and 'connected' to her. During that first session she was 'absent', the needs issue was still not clarified, the money issue made me feel uncomfortable. So, many things happened, and all got mixed up with one another.
Is this any clearer now? I'm too tired to check if I make sense.
Hi Pencil,
I am glad you went to bed as that is late! I know the feeling as I tend to be up that time too! After I posted I was sorry :oops:that I had not added that I know there were many other issues that are really important that were impacting you in therapy with your T and that it wasn't what stopped stopped therapy in the end. That I was only taking one experience as an example of what can make up working on relationships.
No I certainly am not against twice a week therapy and I guess I was just looking at it as a separate issue for a couple of reasons. One in that I was just checking in on the other aspects of what can block progress. And the other as I did not want you to possibly be without any help as a result of only considering twice a week as possible. I hope that makes some sense. :O_o:
I also want to be sure that you know that I in no way think any of your responses to the needs issue were stupid! I think they are important and deserve consideration and respect and understanding. And I mean that genuinely by the way. And I certainly don't think you are oversensitive either! I think when we have vulnerable areas (I have masses and masses) it is not about being oversensitive at all and is about having wounds that sometimes get touched on.
I did not know about the way the financial issue was handled and I am sorry. If you want to say more about what happened then I would be interested to hear. It seems you lost a contact? And I am not sure of the order of events and what the situation with your relationship with her was before that event. If you had resolved the previous stuff. It seems too that you started off going twice a week and there was only talk at the end of changing to once and because of finances.
I hope you have a good rest.
I am glad you went to bed as that is late! I know the feeling as I tend to be up that time too! After I posted I was sorry :oops:that I had not added that I know there were many other issues that are really important that were impacting you in therapy with your T and that it wasn't what stopped stopped therapy in the end. That I was only taking one experience as an example of what can make up working on relationships.
No I certainly am not against twice a week therapy and I guess I was just looking at it as a separate issue for a couple of reasons. One in that I was just checking in on the other aspects of what can block progress. And the other as I did not want you to possibly be without any help as a result of only considering twice a week as possible. I hope that makes some sense. :O_o:
I also want to be sure that you know that I in no way think any of your responses to the needs issue were stupid! I think they are important and deserve consideration and respect and understanding. And I mean that genuinely by the way. And I certainly don't think you are oversensitive either! I think when we have vulnerable areas (I have masses and masses) it is not about being oversensitive at all and is about having wounds that sometimes get touched on.
I did not know about the way the financial issue was handled and I am sorry. If you want to say more about what happened then I would be interested to hear. It seems you lost a contact? And I am not sure of the order of events and what the situation with your relationship with her was before that event. If you had resolved the previous stuff. It seems too that you started off going twice a week and there was only talk at the end of changing to once and because of finances.
Just so I have a clearer idea I am just wandering if she at that point also felt your misunderstanding had been resolved? What state was the relationship from her perspective do you think?
I hope you have a good rest.
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- #52
Abstract
She e-mailed me a letter when the break started with things to remember (I tend to forget what is said in sessions) during the break. This was something for me to hold onto and to keep the connection. I loved her for that - I experienced her as caring, considerate, sensitive, sensible etc. The letter said that I had to be kind to myself - instead of wanting to punish myself - when I experienced unmet needs. She elaborated on this. For some reason, that I could not explain, this made me feel isolated - my whole life I had to deal with unmet needs in a variety of ways. Looking back I also realise that I tend to ignore any needs because I am a single mother and I have been running on empty for a long time, and as a result have no energy to take care of things that are not immediate and urgent. Anyway, I don't want to elaborate too much.
And so I went through the break feeling very connected. The first session after the break everything started going wrong., and the arrangement was that I would start seeing her once I started seeing her once a week. But it was during that first session that she said I had to 'befriend IT' - and which led to my freak out. I only saw her one more time, two weeks later, I think.
Clearer now?
She e-mailed me a letter when the break started with things to remember (I tend to forget what is said in sessions) during the break. This was something for me to hold onto and to keep the connection. I loved her for that - I experienced her as caring, considerate, sensitive, sensible etc. The letter said that I had to be kind to myself - instead of wanting to punish myself - when I experienced unmet needs. She elaborated on this. For some reason, that I could not explain, this made me feel isolated - my whole life I had to deal with unmet needs in a variety of ways. Looking back I also realise that I tend to ignore any needs because I am a single mother and I have been running on empty for a long time, and as a result have no energy to take care of things that are not immediate and urgent. Anyway, I don't want to elaborate too much.
And so I went through the break feeling very connected. The first session after the break everything started going wrong., and the arrangement was that I would start seeing her once I started seeing her once a week. But it was during that first session that she said I had to 'befriend IT' - and which led to my freak out. I only saw her one more time, two weeks later, I think.
Clearer now?
A
Anna
I have problems with attachment. I often get very scared that people will leave me and that they hate me. Main reason being I hate myself. I don't feel like I deserve to be loved.
Recently I have been plagued by terrible nightmares about my partner leaving me, sometimes they are so bad I wake up shaking and crying. The behaviour in the dreams from my partner does not make sense, as they would never say such wicked things to me or do such terrible things. Yet I am plagued by these dreams.
Also, I find it hard to feel any emotion lately. I mainly feel intense anger and shame. I sometimes wonder how my partner puts up with me.
Recently I have been plagued by terrible nightmares about my partner leaving me, sometimes they are so bad I wake up shaking and crying. The behaviour in the dreams from my partner does not make sense, as they would never say such wicked things to me or do such terrible things. Yet I am plagued by these dreams.
Also, I find it hard to feel any emotion lately. I mainly feel intense anger and shame. I sometimes wonder how my partner puts up with me.
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- #54
Anna, I relate and I'm sure there are many other people here who do. I think it is what pushes us into therapy in the first place, and what also makes it very difficult to stay in therapy.
Sorry, my posts are very fuzzy because I was overtired when I wrote them. Abstract, let me know if my previous posts make sense to you. If I didn't know the story, I would not be able to follow at all :oops:
What a messy sentence - I'm obviously tired. It should have read: and the arrangement was that I would start seeing her once a week.
Sorry, my posts are very fuzzy because I was overtired when I wrote them. Abstract, let me know if my previous posts make sense to you. If I didn't know the story, I would not be able to follow at all :oops:
zaniara
Diamond Member
Oh.. You expressed it SO WELL there! It's just like that! I'm doing that! I know(my therapist have spoken to me about it too) that I have the worst kind of attachment-problem you can have. (Desorganized attachment) I do push-pull, but mostly I don't connect at all in that sense. Yet a lot of people have difficulties seeing that I'm "not there". I tend to avoid and think I have "no need". Then when I do feel the need CHAOS starts crashing in at times! For a few moments it have felt really good, and OK, to let my T. come close. But then it turns on me again and I "loose it". It's really rough! And sometimes it feels like I'm going crazy, and what you wrote up there made me consider that I'm actually doing the "right thing" and that it might be OK for me not do be able to trust my T. that deeply yet. ( I have been so ashamed of my behavior!)
Before I read what you wrote I didn't even understand what I should be "aiming" at! I simply don't understand what "safety" in a close connection to another person feels like. I have never felt it. SO THANK YOU for what you wrote! I'm just so scared my T. will get tired of me, since I'm not an "easy case" and there are so many "misunderstandings" I feel the need to sort out with him. I feel like I'm too much.. - But I don't know how to do this at all if I'm not honest to the best of my ability. And either it will work out, or it wont. (if doesn't work out, I don't know what to do.. But I try not to think about it.)
Pencil: Maybe you should write this last T. a letter and explain how you feel? (I hope so much that money-issue will sort it self out soon!) Just to get it of your chest?
I really appreciate this thread! It helps me to read what you are writing!
And I know this about me: that I do need to work on my traumas! But thats just ONE thing I need. Hand in hand with that I need to work on having a close and safe relationship with my therapist. And try to overcome my attachment-issues. If I don't I don't think I will ever be able to have more satisfying relationships with people. And I don't think I can cope living as I am living right now for ever, because then the depression will kick in and I will surely go under. (This feels like my last chance! I can't cope any more living like I have been living!)
Sorry, Pencil, if I hijacked your thread! :)
- Post starter
- #56
No, I think this is a misreading on your part. Remember that I saw T1 who was not up to the task, and we only had 8 sessions anyway as she only does short term therapy. I was so destabilized (I did not originally see her for any form of therapy, but for a practical matter, but somehow started having flashbacks) by the end of the 8 sessions that I couldn't cope and had one appointment with T2. She said she was reluctant to work with me as therapy would be destabilizing for me, especially as I have no support structures. I then had one appointment with T3 who referred me for inpatient treatment. I then started seeing T 4 who seemed to be made from sturdier stuff. And she was, but the misunderstanding about unmet needs coincided with my financial loss, so we did not have time in sessions to sort out the misunderstanding - we sorted it out via e-mail - kind of too late.
NO, you did NOT!
Ditto to the power of 1000!
I did, and her response was that I have to option to return to therapy at a later date if I wanted to. Ho hum.
zaniara
Diamond Member
No response at all to what you felt about her attitude? (Maybe that's too difficult to sort out in an email... Maybe that's her thought about that..)
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- #58
I think you really explain the dynamic very well here. The whole point is that attachment is mixed up with rational thoughts on the one hand, and a 'slow building of trust' based on being rational and adult, while on the other hand it is mixed up with traumatic transference and rationality flying out the window to migrate to the other hemisphere for a while. It can't be controlled, and it can especially not be contained intellectually. It is NOT a rational process. If it were, it would not be an issue!!
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- #59
Not directly, but I did say that I couldn't cope with the fallout of everything going on in therapy and remain together enough to earn enough to be able to afford therapy, and she replied saying she really heard my dilemma - that's it, short and sweet (or not so sweet). Anyway, that was the last communication, there is no point in any further communication. I still think she could make an excellent therapist, but I don't think I could let down my guard with her. I felt really 'abandoned', no matter how silly that may sound.
Another issue with attachment issues is that people who 'suffer' from this also usually have a history of staying in highly abusive relationships, first because they had no choice in their family set-ups, than later in other relationship for a variety of reasons psychologists are at pains to explain. So we don't always know whether the desire to run is irrational fear or a healthy assessment of an unhealthy situation, and so we run in circles.
The handling of the financial issue somehow made me feel uncomfortable. I keep telling myself that I would have been motivated to work my tail-end off in order to be able to afford therapy if she had shown any caring or concern or support. As it was, she simply cut off all of the 'nice' things. Perhaps that is good therapy. Perhaps it is standard. I don't know. I don't really know how to feel about it.
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- #60
Zaniara, I misread your question and gave a nonsensical answer. No, I never directly stated how I felt, I was too embarrassed about the money issue (my inability to settle the account) to comment on how I felt about being cut off so completely. One can't really bitch about not being in the fold if one can't pay the bill, can one, now? :O_o:
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