Attachment Styles/Relating to Therapist

[Skywatcher]

I have fearful attachment style. It is really making things with my therapy relationship difficult. My therapist used to give me reassurance between sessions and that was recently taken away. Everything I have read about fearful attachment says that giving reassurance is key to developing a secure attachment. I guess the reassurance is happening in session? I really am just dealing with a lot of fear, I don’t feel safe with trauma work, my trust is down. I’m angry at her, up and down. Then I feel shame and hurt. I want to work through it. I have been seeing her for 1.5 years. Parts of me do trust her.

What attachment pattern do you have with your therapist and how has it impacted your therapy? If you have had fearful attachment, what type of between session set up do you have? How can I feel safe again?

 

[EveHarrington]

I have professional attachment.

I prefer this (non) attachment “style” because this is a professional relationship, not a close, intimate, interpersonal relationship.

Honestly, it’s never occurred to me to attach to a therapist in any other way.

 

[Skywatcher]

@EveHarrington I wasn’t trying to. Believe me, it just happened. Transference, that snuck up on me, unexpectedly. Then we worked to understand it. Then I read up on this. It is actually quite normal and expected to become attached to your therapist and part of the healing process. I kind of now wonder if your attachment style causes you to choose professional attachment with your therapist? I don’t know.

 

[Maeve]

I have a really close relationship with my therapist, I know she considers me to be “closer” than the average client because we have worked for so long together and done really deep work. It’s took me a long time to really trust her but she was consistent. I was honest about how scary it feels for me, I was vulnerable about my feelings of attachment to her and she took it really well and said it’s 100% normal and actually beneficial to the counselling relationship as true healing can truly occur in a safe holding loving environment. She said to trust in the fact that it won’t always feel so intense. She’s right. It doesn’t right now, it feels secure. I trust her 100% as my therapist and I trust her to keep her word. Which is all I can really do. As well as express gratitude for this beautiful professional relationship that has truly changed my life

 

[Skywatcher]

I have a really close relationship with my therapist, I know she considers me to be “closer” than the average client because we have worked for so long together and done really deep work. It’s took me a long time to really trust her but she was consistent. I was honest about how scary it feels for me, I was vulnerable about my feelings of attachment to her and she took it really well and said it’s 100% normal and actually beneficial to the counselling relationship as true healing can truly occur in a safe holding loving environment. She said to trust in the fact that it won’t always feel so intense. She’s right. It doesn’t right now, it feels secure. I trust her 100% as my therapist and I trust her to keep her word. Which is all I can really do. As well as express gratitude for this beautiful professional relationship that has truly changed my life

So, do you define yourself as having a secure attachment in many relationships?

 

[Cypress]

Can someone explain what attachment style actually is? Does it mean not trusting people?

I read a lot about this and I don't really get it. My T says that our relationship will allow me to model healthy attachment, I guess my style is not healthy because I don't really trust anyone 100% - not even my husband who I have been married to for 21 years!

 

[Skywatcher]

@Cypress Attachment styles have their root in how we were cared for as an infant. If you have some sort of neglect or early trauma, it can change the developing brain. (Any trauma at any age can also have an effect.) For example, someone with fearful attachment literally sees the world and people in a different way. It affects basic trust and many other things. If you search it on the internet there is plenty of material. Much of it is geared toward romantic relationships, but you can learn a lot from reading those and the therapy articles that focus more on child development and how it pertains to adult clients. Also, It took me 12 years of marriage to trust my husband. I still have some issues with it, but it is now a secure attachment.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can someone explain what attachment style actually is? Does it mean not trusting people?

I read a lot about this and I don't really get it. My T says that our relationship will allow me to model healthy attachment, I guess my style is not healthy because I don't really trust anyone 100% - not even my husband who I have been married to for 21 years!

It’s too complex to explain in a post, so I recommend googling attachment styles and reading up on them that way. Yes we could explain the basics, but it really is a broad topic!

 

[Snowflake]

I have fearful attachment style. It is really making things with my therapy relationship difficult. My therapist used to give me reassurance between sessions and that was recently taken away. Everything I have read about fearful attachment says that giving reassurance is key to developing a secure attachment. I guess the reassurance is happening in session? I really am just dealing with a lot of fear, I don’t feel safe with trauma work, my trust is down. I’m angry at her, up and down. Then I feel shame and hurt. I want to work through it. I have been seeing her for 1.5 years. Parts of me do trust her.

What attachment pattern do you have with your therapist and how has it impacted your therapy? If you have had fearful attachment, what type of between session set up do you have? How can I feel safe again?

I think I’m losing my therapist slowly. I think she’s putting more boundaries up because I am attached. She’s my only safe person. She took away my mid week check in call-what’s next???? I know her boundaries are for my safety but my inner child is angry and hurt and sad. Why is attachment such a bad thing when healing early childhood trauma? She tells me that I need to connect with my inner child and her with me and she will be there to help us. Idk I just feel sad and hurt. So I understand how you feel.

 

[Anana]

If I understand your question right, you dont understand why she used to reassure you and now she doesn't do it. That makes you feel worse. Just yesterdsy i had this situation as well. My T explained it as when a person is making progress you should go forward and the next step is not to give him/ her reasuuruanse becsause thus you sustain your probem issue with attachment. And the aim of such therapy is to feel safe without reassurance . So, yes it looks hard but it is real, so hope you will cope with it soon
And yes, like @Snowflake " that I need to connect with my inner child and her with me and she will be there to help us. "

 

[Skywatcher]

My T and I are in the process of repairing a rupture that happened back in October. This is how attachment even became part of the discussion. I finally feel like I am glad I didn’t leave which crossed my mind more than a few times. My research on fearful/anxious attachment helped me decide to stay.

 

[Anarchy]

Oh hell
It took my T a long time to work it out

Apparently I've got the attachment and personality traits that are least receptive to therapy.

?