Attachment to/Transference with Therapist

[Kubash16]

Has anyone else on here dealt with this?

I have some really massive transference happening in that I’ve gotten really attached to my therapist and it’s got so many abandonment fears wrapped up in it.

The transference has gotten so bad that it’s starting to “transfer” onto some forum members. This isn’t fair to them obviously and I need to get a handle on it before I ruin everything on here. That’s something I’m spectacular at is ruining any kind of friendship.

I feel so alone in this. I feel like a creepy, stalker, freak and I feel like there isn’t anyone else who has experienced it with the intensity I am.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Maybe this is childhood stuff?

Really, children are incredibly, intensely clingly. Cos they *do* depend on their caretakers for physical and emotional survival.

If you didn't have people to attach to safely as a child, this need will still be inside you, dormant, and yeah, maybe causing a bit of messy-ness and havoc in your adult life :hug:

I think this is a normal, healthy part of trauma therapy tho.

I was very attached to my T's and pdoc too. And I think that's okay... It's not necessarily some kind of "transference" thing.

It's part of the therapy RELATIONSHIP.

There is MEANT TO BE a therapy relationship.

You are meant to CARE.

:hug:

 

[Kubash16]

I think you’re right. Honestly looking back whatever attachments I may have managed to form at all were very ambivalent at best and violent/neglectful at worst. Who would I have really formed a healthy attachment with? None of it was modeled, that’s for sure.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Yeah.

So this is what your T is there for :)

Allow him to teach you and to model it.

Allow him to help you figure out healthy boundaries.

He's got years of training and experience and natural talent at doing exactly this.

Be honest with him and allow him to help you work out healthy patterns. :hug:

 

[Kubash16]

The strongest bonds I had were with abusers.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I understand.

And that's terribly sad isn't it?

It's the absolute opposite of a healthy bond. Absolute opposite.

So there's sooooo much for your brain to un-learn and re-learn :hug:

 

[Kubash16]

It’s very terrible, and it’s not fair. The abusers should be the ones to have to fix everything, not leave us in pieces like this. I get it’s our cross to bear regardless though.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Yes, it's atrociously unfair.

I have cursed the universe countless times. Countless.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

However... there is one bit of justice...

At the end of this journey, we will be healed.

Our abusers will never be healed. Ever. They will always be broken. Always.

 

[Kubash16]

This is true.

 

[Kubash16]

So I still agree with my freak statement above. I most definitely feel like a freak.

However, I think I should challenge the "creepy" and "stalkerish" stuff that I said. I think I feel like that solely because of how my family perceives and speaks about things. If something is said nice about someone else it can be judged and construed in my family as creepy and like you are in love with someone.

For instance, "I really like that my T seems engaged when listening and I really like that he sometimes notices if I'm wearing holiday earrings or had a haircut. It makes me feel good, and so I have started dressing up a little (like making sure to wear cute earrings) when I come in."

That is a completely true statement and genuinely how I feel and have acted with my T. I feel deeply like I am wrong for doing that and have on a couple occasions made sure not to dress nice so that I don't come across creepy or stalkerish. I think I may have some really skewed ideas on here.

If I were to make that statement to someone in my family I would get a look of disgust and they would say something like you must be in love with him that's so gross, etc.

But I did in fact make that statement to a new T the other night alluding to those fears. She says, I see nothing wrong with that. If you feel good there is nothing wrong with dressing up. There is nothing wrong with feeling good about having a therapy session.

I want to believe her. But I don't. I feel in my core that I shouldn't ever feel good and definitely shouldn't outwardly show it like that. I think this has contributed to the confusion and intensity of my feelings surrounding T.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Awww :hug:

So, with a toxic FOO, you can basically turn all their statements around, into the opposite... and then you've got the truth :meh:

Your new T is right. That's normal and healthy behaviour... especially if you grew up in a FOO where you were starved for healthy, positive stuff, as a kid.