Attention Seeking vs. Genuine Needs

[ChelsBells]

Anyone care to chime in on this one? Attention seeking vs. genuine needs. What do you see as the difference?

I HATE letting my needs be known. So I keep it all to myself & then self implode. I don't want to rely on anyone else for anything, really.

So when I self implode (due to mental health) & it's either have my needs met or end up a broken mess (hospitalized, deep depression, suicidal ideation, etc), I hear the voice from my childhood..... "you just want attention."

I want to bring this up in therapy but how do you all gauge the difference? Say, someone who posts on social media (we all know varying degrees of this), interactions with your significant other, asking for help from friends...

Where is a) I need your help as my spouse/friend right now or b) attention seeking behaviors.

I'm just curious. Because that voice? That inner maternal voice is STRONG. So I hide.

 

[Teasel]

I dont know, maybe if you are pretending to need help but dont in fact need help but do want attention then that might be attention seeking? :)

I struggle with asking for needs to be met too.

 

[PreciousChild]

This is hard to articulate. I feel like there is fear of humiliation at the bottom of this. Needs are natural, and when they don't get met, according to Peter Walker, we at first get angry (protest emotion), and then if we still don't get them met, we conclude that they are wrong and bad, that we are wrong and bad. But since needs are natural, they continue to persist obviously. It seems to me that you might start to interpret those persistent needs as "attention-getting" because you know that your parents won't meet them, so all they are are nuisance behaviors that seem vain and worse, get in the way of your survival. But the reason I started out saying that I suspect it's a fear of humiliation is because I think those deeply felt needs for love, recognition, safety, etc. never go away. But if we fully embraced them as needs we would be setting ourselves up for more hurt and humiliation. So maybe instead of calling them "needs", we label them "attention-getting" to save ourselves from exposing ourselves to more rejection, which would hurt too damn much. But of course that can't work in the long run because we can't ignore our needs forever.

I don't know if that makes sense, but I too struggle with asking for what I need, and when I even think about it, I have a knee jerk reaction of some catastrophe about to rain down on me. I get triggered by having needs because that's what got in the way of surviving in my family.

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe I’m deep in denial, but in my mind, even when my behavior IS attention seeking, it is indeed there to serve a need.

I’m an introvert, hate being the center of attention......so if I’m seeking attention, you better believe it’s because I have an unmet need. Attention in and of itself, attention for them sake of attention, makes my anxiety skyrocket.


If you actually enjoy attention? If you get upset when you’re not the center of attention? Then it may be a different story.

 

[Esther2292]

Hi there,
I am so sorry that you are struggling! I can’t imagine what it might feel like to have your needs not being met and feeling that others might see your intentions incorrectly. That has got to feel just awful, frustrating, and confusing.

It is so good that you feel comfortable asking the questions. It is not easy to try and figure out our emotions. They are so unpredictable, right! My first reaction when I am trying to discover the answer to something is to look it up. I ask the question, “What does it mean?” Sometimes that alone provides all I need to work through my thought process.

Your counselor is a great resource. I am glad that you are trying to work through the tough questions, and I pray that you feel so much better.

 

[Kubash16]

As children, particularly in abusive households, but most homes in general, we are taught that we shouldn’t have needs. Or attention. Or let either of those things interrupt the adults.

What the adults fail to teach us is that it’s okay to not only ask for your needs to be met without feeling guilt, but that it’s okay to want attention. Wanting attention is not a bad thing. For some reason we’ve completely demonized the idea. But just like physical needs, love, affection, we (especially children) need attention. We need to know that we are cared about, important, noticed, and respected. Those are hugely important to our self esteem.

It’s okay to want attention.

 

[Ronin]

maybe if you are pretending to need help but dont in fact need

This.

I run the line at deception.

Nothing wrong, on itself, with attention, though. It is who it is hurting or not, appropriate or not, that makes the difference... and some things rate attention even if not the most suitable for the moment.

 

[EveHarrington]

Wanting attention is not a bad thing. For some reason we’ve completely demonized the idea.

Yes, it so seems...

In psychological circles you can’t even admit to wanting attention as you’ll immediately be slapped with a personality disorder!

 

[ChelsBells]

So much truth here. Thanks ladies! (guys?) We explored this in my therapy appt today. I think for me it's genuine needs but having someone else meet a need leaves me feeling GOOD. And I was conditioned that there's something wrong with that. It's selfish? Maybe? Ugh. I don't know. I can't quite put it into words. I mean it feels good to have someone hear you or see you or even do something for you, you know? Maybe I feel like I'm exploiting that. Even though logically I know I'm not b/c I don't ever ask for anything or expect anything from anyone.

Mind games, man.

 

[Teasel]

Great you could talk it out in T, that should help you begin to untangle all this for you.

Just wanted to say it seems to me that you are talking bout genuine needs yes (wasn't sure if you thought I was suggesting you aren't)

Understand how difficult this is. I struggle similarly.
Best :)