Beginning Again

[OceanSpray]

I finally managed to quit my job which I’m hoping will do wonders for my mental health.

But then my nephew is in the worst possible spot in the world he could be in right now.

There’s the constant flood of Epstein news.

I used to work for Lifetouch which has now been heavily tied to Epstein and that is screwing with me. On a logical level I know I am not at fault. On a human level, I feel sick that I took photos of school children and got paid for it and they went to this.

One of my nieces is not doing well at all and so I have her kid for a while and of course I love him to bits but there’s this worry that I am going to have him permanently. I would kill to be a mom, but not at the cost of her.

There’s more but it’s 3 am and I really should try to get back to sleep.

 

[OceanSpray]

Tonight was packed full of dreams and it’s not even 3 am yet. Only a few standout but I need to get them out.

1. I felt anger, immense anger. I was working in an office with some other people where clients would come visit us. There was a hole in the roof that was never repaired. That let snakes in. At first it was just annoying, a snake here and there. Then this day it was an overwhelming amount of snakes dropping in. One of the clients ran across the hall to find an axe in the supply closet. He took an axe to each of those snakes, having to do some of them a couple times because they would play dead and then rear back up angry at us.


2. I felt an intense loneliness and sadness. All people I recognize from my past. I was watching myself as a six year old and I knew it was me. But six year old me thought I was just some random stranger bothering her. We were coming out of this kids birthday party and since I’m staying at his house (both dream me and six year old me) I have to follow along as he’s riding a high and talking about all the fun and toys and stuff to everyone around us. It’s a whole group of us kids because he had several siblings. They collectively decide to have a movie night. But six year old me slips away to a different room by herself. I follow. She notices me and holds out a notebook from school and asks if I will sign it for her because she doesn’t have anyone else who will and then promptly bursts into tears. Her and I cry together for what felt like hours.

3. Dream me is aware that those two dreams have occurred and are just dreams. I’m sitting at my great aunts table and trying to tell my sister about the dreams but she keeps interrupting and not listening and I’m getting more and more frustrated. Finally I snap and I run out of the house. She and a guy she’s seeing (he’s not familiar to me) chase me. Eventually I run out of steam and they catch up. They crowd over me, angry at me for leaving like that and everything just melts into yelling at each other until I wake up.

 

[OceanSpray]

Tonight’s nightmares featured being at some kind of boarding school situation and getting paired up with this boy my age who every time we were alone would rape me. Either fully or digitally. I kept trying to get away from the school or any projects he was on but the other students seemed to think we wanted to be together or something because it would get orchestrated that I would get stuck with him all over again. One of those nightmares where you can physically in real life feel the memory of what was happening in the dream.