Beginning Again

[OceanSpray]

I’m regressing but I don’t know what the triggers are this time. I have some ideas but I don’t think they are the entire thing, I just don’t know what the rest is. But insomnia plus obsessively watching videos shaming fatness and setting up an old profile to meet men twice my age again. . . what the f*ck is wrong with my brain again?

 

[OceanSpray]

I don’t know what totally constitutes a nightmare versus bad dream but holy hell that was a horror show.

First I dreamt I started nannying for Cardi B’s kids which was random as hell but honestly not a bad part of the dream. I’m out with them when I start getting messages from my sister in law showing me the “cool” tricks she figured she can do with my niece. One of them being stapling her ear lobes and gluing sequins to the bar part. Another one was using nails (as in construction nails) to pierce her ears. The whole theme was horror show level of wildly inappropriate metal and ears and her being so proud to show it off.

 

[OceanSpray]

I remember one Thanksgiving long ago, a fight broke out over what was on the TV. I can still hear the way he would scream at everyone.

I remember another Thanksgiving where he would choose what I wore, how long my hair was, what I ate, how much I ate. I can still hear the comments made about my weight, despite being right on target for my age.

I remember a Thanksgiving not that terribly long ago where I misjudged how long it would take me to make a certain dish. I can still feel the terror I felt as he weaved in and out of traffic on the freeway while screaming at me for how dumb I am.

I can’t wait for this Thanksgiving to be different. There won’t be any yelling this year. There won’t be any terror or rage or hurt. Just a handful of us excited to get together for an evening.

 

[OceanSpray]

The weirdest things give me the greatest sense of peace. After a chaotic and rough few weeks I am finally finding a sense of calm.

The vibe: It’s pitch black 5:30 in the morning with a gentle rain hitting the windows of the truck I’m tucked warm and cozy into with Ben E. Kings’ Stand by Me playing in the speakers on my way to the laundromat.

 

[OceanSpray]

Being raised by my parents means being in my mid thirties and caught off guard and shocked when someone thinks I did a good job on anything.

 

[OceanSpray]

Feeling very weird. I work at a hotel now right and it’s common to have guests live there. Relatedly, religion is hard for me and I’m flailing a lot between thoughts and cravings and avoidance around it.

Well now there is a little old lady who has moved into one of the rooms. . . relatively near the office. . . who has seemed to gravitate to me. . . ? My manager is the only other person who has seen her, she stays in her room until my shift. That is when she comes out and starts asking for various help and makes sure to ask me if I believe in God and starts really needling in the questions.

I have so many confused and overwhelming feelings right now and I’m trying to decide if this is some weird coincidence my brain is glomming onto or if this is some kind of something bigger.

 

[OceanSpray]

Comforting someone who just went through something pretty traumatic but has a background of loving (though still difficult) parents and a mostly good upbringing is a surreal experience.

She said, “I’ll be better later, right now I just need the child in me to climb into my parents bed and remember monsters aren’t real.”

I responded something purely lame but my mind is in overdrive because that is something I don’t think I could ever relate to. Any part of it. My parents were the monsters.

 

[OceanSpray]

Pretty sure my empathy button is completely broken. I do. Not. Care. About literally anything. I’m pretty sure I could watch someone be murdered and I would just shrug. The emotions are just not available. I know I should feel concerned or scared about that because it’s obviously wrong. But I don’t care enough to even try.

 

[OceanSpray]

I’m browsing potential therapists and came across one that charges $750 a session guess we only like the uber rich folks.

 

[OceanSpray]

Don’t use the historic photos feature on Google Maps to look at places you used to live. It’s a dumb move.

 

[OceanSpray]

Another dumb move- looking through old photos in a bid to organize them. Just don’t look at all. f*ck the nostalgic tears.

 

[OceanSpray]

I feel too much.