Beginning Again

[OceanSpray]

Watching some therapy content on YouTube always throws me off. Because anytime they mention child sexual abuse or anything similar, it’s always with this immense heaviness and they act like it’s so rare and different and difficult and unique and intense experience that very few kids go through.

But my brain immediately rebels every single time because it was normal. It was as normal as going to the grocery store. It wasn’t some one off huge thing, it was every day behavior that pretty much everyone knew about and participated in in some degree. I could list off so many friends who have had similar experiences.

So I don’t know where I’m going with this but it’s so uncomfortable. There was an episode of a therapist talking about Jenny’s experience as a child in the movie Forrest Gump. He made it out to be such an enormous thing. Which in some ways is validating because I’m not over it. I’m truly not even though it’s been the better part of two decades ago now. But on the flip side I’m like are you serious dude it’s not that big every little girl has had a father figure like that and we just get on with it.

Ugh

 

[OceanSpray]

I did a brave, courageous, scary thing. Now there is a hurricane of emotions in me. I want to take it back so badly.

The hotel I’m working at is undergoing a renovation which is to include changing out all the wall art. So I put my photography up for consideration.

What the absolute f*ck was I thinking? I’m not good enough for that!!! That’s my predominant thought. I know objectively I’m not completely terrible because I’ve done really well in competitions. I know there is a high likelihood that my bosses will say no just because it’s not what they are looking for which I am absolutely okay with.

Actually I think I want them to reject me. Like please say no. Because if they say yes it will be full panic worse than this. I have no clue how to price something like that. Maybe I shouldn’t, I can just do it for free right since they are taking on the burden of dealing with my stuff.

Then there’s printing. What if nothing looks right? What if I fail? If they say no right off the bat then I don’t have to fail. But if they say yes then I’ll forever be the employee who had the audacity to ask and then proceeded to fail hard and now I’m a disappointment to them and maybe even stuck them with shitty work that they feel obligated to display.

Cause if they say yes, that’s all it is right? Obligatory cause I work there and they don’t want to hurt my feelings.

f*ck why did I do this? Please god say no.

 

[OceanSpray]

My mother doesn’t understand why I have no confidence when she is a primary reason for that.

The irony.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I did a brave, courageous, scary thing. Now there is a hurricane of emotions in me. I want to take it back so badly.

You were right the first time here, no need to cross it out

So I put my photography up for consideration.

Wow, yes! The bits you've shared on the photography thread are stunningly beautiful, they so deserve to be seen (yep, sorry, no doubt that'll make you cringe but it's true)

Actually I think I want them to reject me.

Feels safer but no.

Cause if they say yes, that’s all it is right? Obligatory cause I work there and they don’t want to hurt my feelings.

I recognise this feeling so so much! Also not true....

I'm not convinced this is all about them saying yes or no (even though if they obviously said yes it would be fantastic). More about learning it's ok to put yourself out there, just that little bit, and, maybe one day, there will be some pride in you for the you of today who tried even though they were scared. A part of you has got a glimpse that the opportunity is there, your allowed too, and being seen can be safe, just waiting for the rest of you to catch up

 

[OceanSpray]

Thank you @Midnightmoon. I don’t know what to say but I appreciate it a lot.

 

[OceanSpray]

I voted yesterday too. I don’t know that there was any real point to me voting though because I can’t get behind any of the big candidates. So I voted for as many of the third parties as were available. For president I voted for Chase Oliver. He won’t win, he doesn’t have the massive backing that the others do. But he aligns more with my views (when I researched him *after* voting) and he isn’t either of the other two.

I know it won’t make him win. But I felt it necessary to vote anyway, not just take the stance of not voting at all, and I couldn’t bring myself to support either republicans or democrats on any of it. They’ve collectively done nothing but destroy this country and I can’t support it.

 

[OceanSpray]

This will probably come out a messy stream of consciousness so I apologize in advance.

Perception vs reality is such a weird thing. All my life I’ve gotten compliments for how quiet, polite, and thoughtful I am. This has increased lately to include being bubbly, happy, smiley, sunny.

But I have never once felt any of those things. Except the quietness. But that and everything else didn’t come from any internal sunshine or happiness. I am by far one of the most depressed people I know of around me. Granted, that’s using my perception of how others present themselves.

It makes me wonder if my disposition contributed to not being listened to about the abuse. It was most definitely a survival mechanism. I had very difficult parents and the only way to really survive it was to unconsciously become “perfect”.

But I couldn’t be further from perfect. Almost every ounce of bubbly-ness that my coworkers comment on is literal habit. To the point I don’t really have control over it. It’s not this sweet and cute thing they seem to perceive it as.

Granted, quirky things are a part of my genuine personality. I enjoy eclectic music and singing it every chance, I am a slut for the cutsiest earrings, I do strive to be kind whenever I can.

But none of that is this happiness they seem to think I have. I feel like it makes people take me less seriously, especially when I do say that I’m hurt/upset over something. Because someone this “happy” couldn’t have possibly gone through as much trauma and difficulty as a person who appears grumpier.

But I’m the same person who was raped repeatedly by my stepfather from a very young age for many years. I’m the same person who learned how to navigate many very volatile personalities growing up. I’m the same person who has seen way more death close up than a regular person would. I’m the same person who goes home to a literal pile of trash on my desk because throwing things away timely is too hard. I’m the person who has health issues that are probably bordering serious but takes no steps to fix them. I’m the same person who has to have a sticky note on the mirror to remind myself to brush my teeth and still some days flip it off and go back to bed. I’m the same person who has pushed legal boundaries, milked individuals for money, spent my last penny on a soda, and had more unprotected sex than the local prostitute.

 

[OceanSpray]

The dichotomy of what they think I am versus what I really am really f*cks with my head.

 

[Charbella]

The dichotomy of what they think I am versus what I really am really f*cks with my head.

Makes sense to me. No one knew I was abused for a long time. They saw me as this strong person who didn’t take crap from anyone. The person who’d fiercely stand up for myself and others. Did they see the kid who couldn’t say no to an adult no matter what they asked me to do…nope. Did they see the kid who was having to protect all the adults in her life? No they saw the kid who took on responsibility like she wanted it.

I think being abused means forcing yourself to feel one way and look another. Everything is for show because being the chameleon meant you could make it through all the volatile personalities. You know how to blend in and be “normal” while feeling anything but normal. I’d wager most if not all of the island has this in common.

 

[OceanSpray]

Did they see the kid who couldn’t say no to an adult no matter what they asked me to do…nope.

The thing is, I think they do see this to some degree. But they don’t think *about* it. They just take it as this kid is easy and not being a troublemaker and then onto the next thought. Never thinking twice that the kid not being a troublemaker might be a signal that they are ignoring.

No they saw the kid who took on responsibility like she wanted it.

This too, I think they do see it. But they interpret as a kid who just happens to have a mature personality. They don’t bother to think twice that the kid *shouldn’t* be so mature yet.

Everything is for show

This is unbelievably true.

 

[OceanSpray]

My Dream Election

No parties, every candidate for themselves.

Amazing Race style with actual town halls in between.

Hit up every single state and have to do a down and dirty job or two that’s core to that state. Don’t care about racing for speed. Just want humility and understanding of what citizens need/want.

In each state a town hall or two should be held. Real citizens asking the hard questions with each candidate. Not debate style, that’s all showboating. No, the old fashioned city hall room where that candidate is the only one at the podium and press is only filming.

 

[Charbella]

My Dream Election

No parties, every candidate for themselves.

Amazing Race style with actual town halls in between.

Hit up every single state and have to do a down and dirty job or two that’s core to that state. Don’t care about racing for speed. Just want humility and understanding of what citizens need/want.

In each state a town hall or two should be held. Real citizens asking the hard questions with each candidate. Not debate style, that’s all showboating. No, the old fashioned city hall room where that candidate is the only one at the podium and press is only filming.

Dutton but I’d add they can’t spend more than a set amount, even the playing field.