Beginning Again

Well dipped my toe in but backed away right away because frankly it’s triggering.

When someone doesn’t even bother to take the time to listen to someone else, it brings up allllll of those feelings of being consistently unheard and not believed. It sucks that it seems to still trigger me. I thought I’d built more inner confidence and I guess I have in some ways. But I wish the world was different and we could just hear each other out and respect each other.

I hate when groups attack each other with no thought to why a group is the way it is. I hate hate. I hate the perpetuating of hate. Isn’t there enough evil already in this world?
 
Well dipped my toe in but backed away right away because frankly it’s triggering.

When someone doesn’t even bother to take the time to listen to someone else, it brings up allllll of those feelings of being consistently unheard and not believed. It sucks that it seems to still trigger me. I thought I’d built more inner confidence and I guess I have in some ways. But I wish the world was different and we could just hear each other out and respect each other.

I hate when groups attack each other with no thought to why a group is the way it is. I hate hate. I hate the perpetuating of hate. Isn’t there enough evil already in this world?
I read your post there and wondered if you were affected. I’m with you, I hate hate.
 
Occasionally I like myself and the things that make me me.

Like right now I am listening to hard rock, Moth by HELLYEAH (fantastic song). I just had a dinner of terriyaki veggie and rice stir fry. I am wearing comfy clothes that are somewhat flattering with earrings that are vintage pumpkins, because October. My perfume is my favorite, brown sugar and vanilla. I have a book I’m reading on the beginnings of the mafia.

I feel pretty. I feel smart. I feel like I have good taste in the things I do and surround myself with,

But it’s a weird feeling. Because every time this thought comes up, another immediately follows. It says, in a mocking tone of course, “seriously? You feel pretty? Why? You’re nothing but a stupid fat ass with no ambition, no focus, nothing but a waste of space. A large waste of space. Only conceited assholes think these things about themselves, is that who you are? Some egotistical bitch who thinks she’s better than everyone else?”

Thanks, parents. Love the legacy you left me to fight.
 
Like right now I am listening to hard rock, Moth by HELLYEAH (fantastic song). I just had a dinner of terriyaki veggie and rice stir fry. I am wearing comfy clothes that are somewhat flattering with earrings that are vintage pumpkins, because October. My perfume is my favorite, brown sugar and vanilla. I have a book I’m reading on the beginnings of the mafia.

I feel pretty. I feel smart. I feel like I have good taste in the things I do and surround myself with,
I love this very very much 🤩 (especially vintage pumpkin earrings!)

I hope that little spark of fight for you can keep itself alive through the mess in your head fighting against it. Bit by bit that noise can quieten down, cause non of it's true
 
Reminder to Myself

I don’t have to rush.

I can take my time doing chores.
No one is coming to tell me that I’m a failure for not doing things at super speed.
It doesn’t have to be perfect.
No one is coming to tell me that I should die because it wasn’t exactly right.

I don’t have to rush.

I can take my time eating my food.
No one is coming to take it away.
There is always enough.
I don’t have to finish it all.
I can stop when I want to.
No one is coming to tell me I’m being wasteful.
I have my own money.
I can waste my money how I want.

I am allowed to rest.
I don’t have to have everything done for everyone else.
I can take joy and pride in chores I see value in. I can allow others to do the things they value.
I don’t have to do them for them.

I am allowed to take up space.
I am allowed to breathe.
I am allowed to just be.
 
Hypomanic bipolar phases are horrid.

I can’t live like this.

Also, being jealous of someone else being able to get medical care you can’t is a very real thing and it really sucks.
 
Challenge to Myself:




Eat the best part first.



I have a deeply ingrained habit of making sure that I always save the best parts for last. There’s this idea in my head that I *have* to suffer through the rest of the meal in order to earn the privilege of getting to have the parts I like. It’s dumb. It’s absolutely dumb. But it’s how you survive an environment where everything on your plate has to be eaten or you’ll get spanked and grounded.

I’m tired of overeating every time I eat. I want to try to just enjoy food.
 
Dumb question but how do you prioritize your wants financially? I’m getting into a position to be able to get things I’ve always wanted and be able to save up for the bigger things. But obviously can’t buy everything all at once and there’s this need to get like one thing each payday but it’s like this paralyzing thing. Of course I could easily just not get anything yet which would be fine. But I *want* to do *something* and have the ability to do a few different things.

I think this is a trap that I fall into sometimes. There’s a very long and deep history of being without. Not just without wants but without needs. There’s also a sense of control and rebellion. Like I finally have control of something I want. But again, it overwhelms and paralyzes. Do I get the sundress I’ve been dreaming about? Or do I get the awesome camera lens? Maybe I could get the zoo membership. Or I could save it for something even bigger. Or for a rainy day. I know the responsible answer but that sparks a feeling of intense disappointment and demoralization.

The phrase “burning a hole in your pocket” is super real.
 
Fed my soul a bit at the lake.

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