Beginning Again

[OceanSpray]

Turns out my family and I just don’t know how to communicate. We visited again and got all the beautiful baby snuggles.



Why is hard for me to realize I am almost living the life I want? Yes, there’s a couple of things that need to be different to be truly ideal, but I’m working on them and they aren’t that bad.

I could write in several nearby cafes. But I don’t.

I could go hiking every week. But I don’t.

I could have regular dates with friends and nieces and nephews. But I don’t.

I could do a few certain projects for photography. But I don’t.

I could push my art out to all these different publications and places. But I don’t.

I could spend a weekend alone camping and hiking and taking photos and writing. But I don’t.

I could let my local libraries know I write. But I don’t.

I could attend a poetry reading. But I don’t.

I could turn one of my sheds into a studio. But I don’t.

I could attend art fairs, craft fairs, I could get OUT THERE. But I don’t.

I could be leaning into all the things I crave and have wanted for years. But I don’t.

I went to therapy for this and I’m still just stuck here, sitting, waiting for life to happen *to* me. When am I going to wake up and realize I could be doing so much that I’ve always wanted?

There’s literally nothing stopping me.
But I stop me anyway.

 

[Friday]

Which one sounds the most fun?
Which sounds the scariest?

 

[OceanSpray]

Which one sounds the most fun?

I think the dates with the kids would be.

Which sounds the scariest?

All of it. I guess talking to the libraries would be.

 

[OceanSpray]

I think I had my first instance of sleep paralysis and holy shit that was terrifying. I’ve always been very accustomed to nightmares, even multiple a night. But tonight I was awake but not? I felt like I was awake but it was a different house that dream me thought was mine. I heard the door open (which is never closed) and I couldn’t move. I was frozen.

And the whole time I’m dreaming that I’m lying there awake being watched by someone but it’s not my real room and I still can’t move. All my muscles feel like I’ve been running a marathon in molasses. I finally unstuck myself and woke up and what felt like hours was probably minutes but I’ve never experienced anything like that before.

 

[Ecdysis]

Yikes. I heard about sleep paralysis for the first time a few months ago and was like OMG that sounds so awful I am so glad I've never had that!!!

How long did it last for? I'm sorry you went through it. I hope I never experience it first hand, knock on wood!

 

[OceanSpray]

I’d heard stories too and wasn’t particularly interested in experiencing it either lol. I don’t know what brought it on. It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes but it felt like ages of trying to get even just my fingers to move.

 

[OceanSpray]

I did a thing today.

I deleted apps from my phone (Facebook, Reddit, threads, x, TikTok, all my doom scrolling, time wasting, anxiety producing apps). I still have the accounts and I’m “allowed” to access them on my laptop. But I’m hoping having them not accessible on my phone will help my brain.

Next deletes will be various games and possibly YouTube and Pinterest. The games, I’m worried I’ll get sucked in as a replacement for the social media. YouTube and Pinterest- I’m really not sure. On one hand, not problematic as far as anxiety or doom scrolling, they are both very positive for me. On the other hand, I can get sucked into them for hours as avoidance or boredom relief. I don’t know what I want to do or if it’s actually the problem I’m thinking it is.

The other thing I did- I’ve blocked all adult sites. I’m not excluding masturbation altogether, it’s asking too much at the moment and I don’t think it’s harmful on its own for most people. But porn- I’m not against it for others. But I need a break. I am never shocked by it, nothing phases me, and it’s become something I *need* in order to masturbate but again, nothing is ever quite enough. So I need to find a way to make myself sensitive again. I need to explore masturbation in a healthier way. I need to let my brain have a break from constant information and let my imagination take over again. I feel like I’ve killed all the imagination I used to have so vibrantly as a kid. And I need to rediscover my body and what works for me outside of hurried videos to get off fast only to feel disgusting and guilt ridden after. Again, not anti porn but for me, I’m not using it healthily or ethically and that’s a problem.

 

[OceanSpray]

I’m actually doing better about social media than I thought I would. I haven’t logged into any of them since Wednesday. Porn, unfortunately, I did unblock a site once that very same evening that I had blocked them. BUT, I haven’t been on any since that. So all in all, I’m counting things as a win. Have I noticed any changes with myself? No, not really, not yet at least. But it’s only been a couple of days. I will say, it’s been disturbing how many times I have reached for my phone with the intention of just checking socials without actually thinking about it. Why is it so hard to deliberately create habits but unconscious ones have no trouble becoming ingrained?

 

[Freddyt]

Why is it so hard to deliberately create habits but unconscious ones have no trouble becoming ingrained?

They are not unconscious. You were trained to want to "see whats going on" on socials.

 

[OceanSpray]

They are not unconscious. You were trained to want to "see whats going on" on socials.

That’s a good point. I ended up checking in today and literally nothing interesting was there and I ended up logging right back out not even five minutes later and I feel really good about that.



Another win- I just did 5 miles on the gym bike when I struggled with half a mile at the beginning.

 

[OceanSpray]

Holy shit I actually slept good last night.

 

[OceanSpray]

It’s disgusting how common cancer is.

It’s affected/ing at least half of the people around me if not more, on some level.