Beginning Again

[OceanSpray]

You know the saying “Don’t ever meet your heroes”? Or however it’s phrased- add (auto)biographies to that too. I don’t love the people I used to anymore.

 

[Ecdysis]

It’s disgusting how common cancer is.

It’s affected/ing at least half of the people around me if not more, on some level.

Yes... I believe with longer lifespans the statistic now really is that 1 in 2 ppl will get cancer in the course of their lifetime...

Which means that basically everyone is affected by it... Along the lines of, if you don't get it your partner or best friend probably will... If your Dad doesn't get it, your mum probably will...

I'm not sure my subconscious has caught up with these statistics yet...

In my childhood, cancer seemed like this rare, horrible, scary thing...

Now it seems it's "everywhere"...

Wishing those around you with cancer good outcomes...

 

[OceanSpray]

In my childhood, cancer seemed like this rare, horrible, scary thing...

I had a similar experience. I had a couple of grandparents that had had cancer but I had never met them and so it didn’t really click for me. Everyone else around me for the longest time were affected by heart disease, diabetes, strokes, etc, but rarely cancer.

But in the last like 4 ish years, I swear everyone has it. My mom, my brothers father in law, my brothers mother in law, 2 of my moms coworkers, now my nephews mother in law, on top of those other grandparents. My sister has had multiple scares. Now I’m feeling like I’m just waiting for the next one.

 

[Ecdysis]

Yup

 

[OceanSpray]

Got to love when my own school has a threat. Again.

 

[OceanSpray]

Dreaming about old therapists and being rejected by them all over again is a trip.

 

[OceanSpray]

This is why I can’t make friends.

Dude, a coworker I’ve met in passing ish twice, came in tonight with his girlfriend to see Chick (another coworker) cause he thought she was working. They brought Taco Bell and when he realized she wasn’t here, he asked if they could eat in the breakfast area. I said of course.

What I should have done: hung out with them. Got to know them. TALKED. Like at all.

What I did instead: panicked and busied myself with every chore and more keeping myself away from the breakfast area as much as possible.

They’ve left now and all I know is I am the most awkward person on this planet. Socialize like a human? What’s that? Chat to a customer about the weather? Absolutely! Chat with a potential friend about literally anything else? Nope. Just panic over here.

 

[Freddyt]

What I did instead: panicked and busied myself with every chore and more keeping myself away from the breakfast area as much as possible.

Yeah, you are a member of the PTSD club alright......awkward is what we are......

 

[OceanSpray]

Yeah, you are a member of the PTSD club alright......awkward is what we are......

Yuuup I’m the queen of awkward. I’d really like to hand in that title and just be normal for once.

 

[OceanSpray]

So this weird ass dream.

There’s this art gallery or similar that is starting up in this town. She has the town submit various things for consideration and everyone has to come watch a play at the end, the play is meant to be Beauty and the Beast.

I submitted photos, paintings, writings, a bunch of shit.

Then the night comes and the director chick rushes over and says she needs me to write a monologue for a maid in the play to recite at the end of the play. Even though that never happens in the story but whatever I do.

All through the showcase not a single bit of any of my work is shown or acknowledged. I’m disappointed but not surprised. It’s normal.

What’s not normal is I and the people I’m with are about to leave when the director rushes over and says she needs me to be the maid and recite the monologue and there’s only 6 minutes left so no time for hair or makeup. She wants me to change but I ask her if she even has anything in my size. She says yes and goes to go grab clothes that are clearly too small. I don’t put them on, and it’s time to line up to go out.

As I’m in line, the girl playing Belle sees me and comments that I am not wearing makeup and my hair isn’t done. I reply that I know but there isn’t time. I’m called out to go on stage and that’s when I wake up.

 

[OceanSpray]

Nostalgia is strong tonight.

There’s these moments where I just want to bundle up in sweatshirts and blankets and wake up to a time before. It wasn’t a perfect time, nowhere near it. But I would change so many of the choices I made. I would appreciate so much more of what I didn’t understand then. I would do it all over so much better.

 

[OceanSpray]

My self control is waning. I really, really, really want to reply to a certain thread that it was actually a Democrat (USA) that raped me. Just to see how it flusters them. I won’t, I’ll respect the bounds. But it’s very irritating to have someone go so hardcore with all that vitriol while boxing it all up into a neat little pile of types of people and blatantly refusing to acknowledge that there is both bad and good in every single ideology.