Beginning Again

[OceanSpray]

There’s a lot of thoughts and feelings happening that I have to try and parse out. Most are stupid or selfish or just nonsensical. But I need to write it all out and dump it out of my head.

I don’t even know where to start.

I’ve been overwhelmed, a lot lately. A lot of that has to do with my mother breaking her ankle and I’ve been her caretaker for it. That’s been. . . a struggle. I don’t do well when I don’t have regular breaks from humans. For over a month, two months? There’s been no break. Not from her, not from work, not from a friend. Don’t get me wrong, I really like this friend and she helps me get away from mom by working out at the gym together.

But she doesn’t get what I mean when I say I need a break. Her version of a break is together at the gym. That’s fine sometimes, but I don’t want to live there. And I mean a break from absolutely everyone.

I feel like a shitty friend but I lied to her the last few days. I claimed to be really sick, fever and all, for multiple days and even called into work one of the days. All to get out of being around everyone. I still had to take care of mom so it wasn’t a full break. But it helped me feel like I could catch up. Except that now I have a lot of guilt.

There’s so much of me that’s jealous of her in a way. Her family is overbearing, she complains about them, they have a lot of flaws. But all I can ever think about is how lucky she is to have them. To the point I get tired of her complaints sometimes because I want to snap back at her how good she has it. I don’t. She’s valid in everything she feels and thinks and I know it’s my own projection and problems. She doesn’t have the slightest clue what my circumstances are. She knows I’m taking care of mom right now but doesn’t know history.

I’m also resentful because of how my boss handles her shifts versus my shifts. I know it’s not a favoritism thing and that it’s just the nature of how our shifts are. But there’s been multiple times that he has come in and told her she can leave hours early but when he’s coming in to relieve me- he’s always a good hour or two late and laughs about it.

She had one of those days today and I’ll be honest, I felt angry. I don’t even know who I’m angry at. I’m angry that I’m tired. That she got to leave early. That I was short on my check and that’s a discussion I have to have with him. That she took the opportunity to have dinner with our other boss and they both got drunk. It’s not jealousy exactly, I too would jump on the chance to go to dinner with her. But the drinking bothers me. The whole idea of getting drunk at all makes me rage. I don’t know why I feel so strongly about it but when she texted that she was plastered I felt so immensely angry.

Then there’s issues with the big boss. That stupid photography thing. Why did I put myself out there? Why do people assume that if you can do one type of photography that you can do all the other kinds? He gave me an opportunity to photograph the updated rooms in the hotel and the whole experience and resulting photos were so bad I never want to think about it again. The whole thing was insulting and shitty. Then he asks for ideas on building revenue so I put together a detailed thought out plan and he tells me that was okay for someone new and then laughs as he walks in his office.

I have to head into work now. I’m sure there’s more I’ll come back and dump.

 

[OceanSpray]

Let’s talk the gym. Or more specifically body changes.

I hate it.

It’s put me into the worst kind of funk.

According to the scale I haven’t lost any pounds. But according to compliments I’ve gotten and the way some clothes are, I’ve at least slimmed down more.

I hate the compliments though. Deeply. I had someone say “doesn’t it feel awesome?” And no, it doesn’t. Cause it means more male attention. It means that I wasn’t good enough before but somehow am now. Then of course videos online pop up of people losing significant weight and even though they’ve done so much work there’s always still people who chime in to tell them how ugly/fat/disgusting they are. It never goes away. Not truly. Everyone hates and it hurts. Nothing is ever good enough. No one is ever worthy enough.

I don’t want the male attention. I don’t trust it, it feels like a slap in the face to the real me, and it’s all just wrong.

Everything is just wrong lately.

 

[OceanSpray]

Today, or yesterday now I guess, was Holocaust Remembrance Day. I wish I could find more about my ancestry. I have a fair bit of knowledge from some strings but others are such a brick wall (thank you name changes). Both sides come from the Germany/Poland/further Eastern European area and came over here relatively recently. There’s strong possibilities of having Roma in at least one line. Another line has a strong military and policing background once coming here and I always wonder if there’s potential that this family had people on both sides of that horrible fence. I don’t like that feeling at all. And I know I shouldn’t take on what I don’t know for certain, but there always been a draw/feeling of familiarity that the mystery’s propel. I wish I knew if there was Jewish ancestry, that one has never been mentioned in stories the way the Roma is though so I’d assume not. But I have no idea how to tell for certain. Nothing came up about it in the DNA test I did so most likely not.

 

[OceanSpray]

Well I checked my DNA thing I did a while back cause as more people do it, the results change. And this is the newest addition, granted I know 1% means absolutely nothing but I found it ironic given what I was just lamenting about.

 

[OceanSpray]

I realize given his resurgence back in my life (though thankfully very minimal) that technically it makes sense that I’m having frequent dreams about my ex. Processing shit and all. But I’d like to stop now. We’ve processed enough. It’s been years.

The first dream sucked but in a weepy, grievey way of nostalgia and deeply knowing a person and feeling this closeness. It was even a little cute ish. I was participating in a bachelor style contest for him but I already knew everything there was to know about him. We got each other, relied on each other, knew and talked with each others parents like they were our own.


This dream today was such a flip. I do like that my brain was trying to soften the blow by making me live on an exotic wildlife rescue the way reach people live on golf courses and lots of animals, particularly one giraffe, made appearances. The rest was a terrible reflection of reality, just faster and more blatant.

In the beginning of the dream I was so happy, almost euphoric because it was just me and the animals and I’m chatting with friends about the latest quirky things the animals did.

And then he shows up, just pulls right up like he hasn’t been locked away for years and comes in the house like he owns it. Asking then yelling about money and why didn’t I make his money grow and where did it go, why wasn’t I investing, don’t I know anything?

I’m devastated that he’s there and trying to fight back that I had to pay bills and survive and that he wouldn’t get it because he doesn’t live in the real world.

Then he acts like he’s dropping the subject but storms into the bedroom and when I don’t immediately lay down with him he gets so angry again. All this screaming and backing away from him and trying to get away starts up again. He’s calling me names, calling me a whore and uptight in the same breath, screaming at me to get in the bed with him where I belong then switching and screaming that I’m disgusting and how could anyone want me. On and on and on and on it goes. Just like it did in real life.

 

[OceanSpray]

Fell back asleep and this time an undeniable nightmare. This one was . . . different and I have pain in my whole arm as a constant reminder. Real, physical pain, from the shoulder down.

The dream consisted of parents, a couple of children, and the father of the father. I and someone/thing else were observers.

The daughter wanted to cut up something (I don’t remember what exactly) and got a chain saw. Her father was helping her but it ended up with the daughter cutting her mother’s arm off. I can’t remember exactly how that part went. Except that the father and grandfather found this funny, the daughter petrified and guilt ridden, and the mother in obvious massive pain but also forgiving and just tries to move on and adjust in life.

A lot revolved around the mother experiencing phantom pain as if the arm was still attached.

Fast forward to a night where they are all gathered for like after dinner clean up. They are talking to each other but I can’t make out what they are saying. I can see the distress on the kids faces though and the parents getting angrier and angrier. At some point the kids are sent away and the mother storms out of the back door/kitchen door to the outside. While she’s gone, the kids sneak back around to see whats happening and the father steps out on the porch in the same direction as the mother. He’s screaming something, I can’t tell what though.

At some point the mother speeds back right onto the porch and into the father’s face and they collide. The force of it knocks the mother down. While she’s laying on the porch the father and grandfather work together to break her neck and carry her away to bury her. The kids all see this but they run and hide again.

Then I woke up. It’s rare to only be an observer for me and almost never am I unable to hear the conversations. This one makes me feel so rattled. And this pain really needs to go away.